Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

2 yr old family member behaving inappropriately around my 6 month old DS. What to do?

43 replies

Haleana · 18/08/2010 10:08

This is a bit complicated so I will try and be clear...

My MIL's sister's husband has grown up children from another marriage. One of his sons had three children with a girl but they both have serious drug/alcohol/anger problems. The children are one, two and a half and four years old and all seem to have serious issues due to witnessing God only knows at home. As a result of this, SS have allowed for the two older children to be looked after by my MIL's sister and her husband (their Grandad) pretty much every weekend. Because of this, we see them quite frequently with the two children. (Two year old boy and four year old girl).

A few weeks ago we were all visiting my husbands grandparents (MIL's mum) and the boy was there. In less than 30 mins we witness him kick my husbands Nana in the leg (she was asking him to drink his cocoa) and call her a c*t. Before telling her to fk off. His guardian (MIL's sister) just sat and laughed and said "that's nothing, you should hear what else he says". He then sat in the middle of the kitchen telling us to fk off and f*k you.

A few weeks after that we left our 6 month old DS with my MIL for a day for the first time. Naturally we were already nervous about this. It didn't help when we arrived as saw her sister and the boy were there. The kids have taken a fancy to my DS which is mostly quite sweet to watch when the boy is not being abusive. This day he gave my DS a kiss. It was sweet as he was gentle and was stroking his hair. Then things got weird. He started to stroke a little to familiarly then starting putting his tongue in my DS' mouth. I stopped him and said firmly that 'that is not the way you kiss people, a peck on the cheek is fine'. His guardian just rolled her eyes and said "Alright he gets the picture - you like him".

Now I am terrified of this boy being anywhere near my DS. I'm in a pickle because half of me wants to tell him off and teach him right from wrong (as nobody else does), and the other wants me to adopt him, give him a cuddle and provide him with a loving home. I know that my MIL's sister cares for him but after I asked her how she could let him get away with all of this, she said that she's tried disciplining him when he's with her, but then he goes back to his parents and comes back three times worse. Apparently Social Services have been useless at monitoring them as they are still abusing drugs and being arrested every other weekend for fighting each other in the streets and causing disturbances. Apparently only last week the father was feeding lager to the boy and telling him he wasn't a man!

I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place here. My main priority is the safety and well-being of my DS so I don't want them to have much contact, especially as they grow up and he becomes more influential. On the other hand I want to help the other boy too.

Sad situation.

OP posts:

SixtyFootDoll · 18/08/2010 10:13

I owuld find out the name of the childrens social worker and speak to them about your concerns

loopyloops · 18/08/2010 10:19

As SixtFottDoll says, the children (all 3 of them) need help.

mama2mooandbabymoo · 18/08/2010 10:24

So sad. Defo call social services.

Original poster

Haleana · 18/08/2010 10:45

I've considered call social services but the trouble is that I know if I do that, my MIL's sister will make my life hell. I know it's selfish of me but I can't do that if my son is affected (which he will be). The trouble is that although she dotes (mainly on the boy, which I find unfair), she was in her forties when she started caring for him when he was 6 months old. She can barely cope herself so can't physically have all three of them. Plus, when she was taking both the girl and the boy at the height of all the arrests and violence etc. The mother went and got pregnant AGAIN! And had the third boy! We heard after that she got pregnant AGAIN and had an abortion.

My MIL's sister just couldn't cope with a third child so he stays with his parents. Apparently social services gave them a 10 strikes rule. Trouble is, how many strikes does it take for one of them to get hurt or killed? And how many to scar the child emotionally for life. I think the damage there is already done. The trouble is, getting social services to see that it's now about damage limitation.

I would love to speak to the social services about this but I just know that if I get involved, my husband's family will never forgive me. Wouldn't matter so much if we didn't live in the same village as the lot of them! This is why I'm in such a conundrum. The kids NEED to be taken from their parents but if they are, my MIL's sister wouldn't cope with all of them. If that's the case, they'd probably be rehomed somewhere else all together and she would lose the boy who she's so attached to. If that happens and I instigated it. My life won't be worth living.

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/08/2010 10:51

It would all be easier in terms of family relations if it were your DH who called SS, rather than you. Does he agree with you that something needs to happen?

mama2mooandbabymoo · 18/08/2010 11:04

10 strikes? God, thats awful. 1 strike is too many.

Could you phone them without giving your details or details of what happened? You could just say that you are worried about the children and leave it at that?

walesblackbird · 18/08/2010 11:21

My first post here but I'm speaking as an adoptive mother of three whose children were removed (thankfully) at birth.

The damage being done to these children is immense and something the older children, particularly, will likely never recover from and, indeed, they are highly likely to go on and repeat the behaviour that they've experienced and are now used to.

SS need to act now to remove these children from parents who are quite obviously unable to care for them even adequately. If a 2 year old knows what french kissing is then I would be very concerned at what he's witnessed. 2 year olds do not know about sexual behaviour unless they've seen it and if he is demonstrated sexualised behaviour then SS need to act now - and someone needs to make sure they do act.

If you feel that you can't speak to SS then you could talk to NSPCC instead.

I can understand that you are concerned about how this will affect you - but just imagine how traumatised these young people are going to be. They will live with the effects of this abuse for the rest of their lives. It's not something that ever goes away.

There, off my soapbox now.

Please act - don't allow it to continue. You know that it's wrong and SS have to do something about it.

SixtyFootDoll · 18/08/2010 11:21

MAke your life hell how?

These poor children should come first, sounds like their life is being made hell every day.
Surely the children are more imporatant than maybe your in laws not speaking to you?

BeerTricksPotter · 18/08/2010 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scurryfunge · 18/08/2010 11:27

You have to make a referral to social services. These children are at risk.

They are being abused, neglected and the two year old is displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour for a child.

kayah · 18/08/2010 11:31

From what you are describing they are likely to be sexually abused.

zozzle · 18/08/2010 11:48

You must, must, must tell Social Services!! You and your hubbie will need to work as a team on this and support each other through it.

babyjane67 · 19/08/2010 21:45

tell ss!you dont have to give yr name though they do ask for yr christian name.its your choice to give ot ir not

Eglu · 19/08/2010 21:52

Please tell SS. These poor children are in a terrible situation. As others have said there is no reason that your DH's Aunt need know it was you.

You can not let these children continue to let to suffer.

MissWormwood · 19/08/2010 21:59

If these people are being arrested frequently for fighting and so forth then anyone could have reported to SS, why should they assume it was you?

The priority is to these children and their safety. Don't they deserve a chance to have a normal life? If they stay with these people they will be destined for worse misery as time goes on.

Think how much worse you will feel if you do nothing and any of these unfortunate children are permanently damaged or even killed.

Please do something! As babyjane says, you don't have to give your name (and even if you do, they will not disclose it to the family concerned)

colditz · 19/08/2010 22:02

Your life won't be worth living?

What about three little lives that aren't worth living right now?

Rindercella · 19/08/2010 22:07

As everyone else has said, you need to contact SS, or have your DH do it. These children are at risk. Although of course your first responsibility is to your own DS, I believe that you also have a responsibility - as a caring adult - to do whatever you can to ensure these children are safe. There have been way too many high profile cases where it has ended in utter tragedy. Please don't let this be one of them.

missedith01 · 19/08/2010 22:07

I'm sorry OP, but I'm thinking you must step up to the plate here, no matter the consequences to you personally. Will your life be more worth living if you do nothing and it turns out that these children are being terribly abused rather than "merely" neglected? Is this not precisely how such abuse carries on, because the easiest thing to do is look away?

DirtyMartini · 19/08/2010 22:10

I don't know how you can even think of not doing something significant about this.

I think actually, deep down you already know you have to, and you just need a push, right? We're telling you what you already know. This is three tiny kids we're talking about. Please take action. It's not fair that it has ended up your responsibility to get involved, but somehow it has and you could be the lifeline for these children.

Good luck; it won't be easy. But it'll be worse to live with the feeling of having bottled it and left them to twist in the wind.

tethersend · 19/08/2010 22:19

You need to contact SS urgently.

As far as worrying about MIL's sister's reaction goes- you have signs that they are being abused; you cannot be certain who the abuser might be. It may be their grandad who comes into contact with your children. It may not.

You know what you need to do.

atswimtwolengths · 19/08/2010 22:41

Yes, I agree, you need to do something now. I don't think your DH's aunt is doing a great job with him anyway - if she were really trying her best then I could see your concern, but it sounds as though she's too accepting of disturbing behaviour.

bigstripeytiger · 19/08/2010 22:48

I agree, you should contact social services.

tethersend · 19/08/2010 22:52

"it sounds as though she's too accepting of disturbing behaviour."

Exactly- this in itself I would find worrying, TBH.

TerritorialMosquito · 19/08/2010 22:54

make. the. call.

it's not your decision whether this is a child protection issue and what should be done, but it is your responsibility to inform the relevant authorities so that they can make decisions.

don't be the one that looks the other way.

SE13Mummy · 20/08/2010 00:41

Others have aready said it but you need to call Social Services and raise your concerns. If it helps you to make the move then consider it as a step in the right direction towards your DH's aunt being given more support and the children being better monitored and catered for. Just because you contact SS doesn't mean you are 'reporting' the carer in a negative sense, you could be anyone who has seen her out and about with a child and who is worried that the pair need some help.

If you can't bring yourself to contact Social Services directly then please use this form to report your concerns. The NSPCC will assess your concerns and make a referral if they believe it is appropriate.

Let the professional make a decision about these children and their carers - it's their job but they can't do it if information is being witheld from them which is what is happening if you choose not to pass this on. The children are young at the moment and need the sensible adults in their lives to fight their corner but if you aren't willing to do that then who will?

Flip

1 2