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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is this a bit mean as a punishment/threat?

26 replies

BigAngryRedThing · 14/08/2010 19:49

Ok...so I'll set the scene...

DC (aged 4) refusing to get ready for bed. Lying on floor, won't get up, just shaking head.

Parent: "If you don't get ready now you will not be taking [comfort teddy] to bed with you"

(Comfort teddy since birth, sleeps with it every night)

It was the first thing that popped into my head to just get him into bed ASAP, had a nightmare day and DC2 playing up also. Immediately he changed his tune, and was ready and in bed quicker than ever.

I feel mean now though...is threating to confiscate a comforter OTT?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tortoise · 14/08/2010 19:52

Probably is a bit mean to threaten to take away a comforter but it worked! Have a think now of what you can use next time in case this situation comes up again.

TheUnmentioned · 14/08/2010 19:55

Way too mean because if he hadnt done as he was told you'd have had a night of screaming and crying and / or gone back on your word and had to give him it.

scurryfunge · 14/08/2010 19:56

Would it be an empty threat? Would you really have taken it away for the night knowing the distress it would cause.

Try not to make a threat you won't carry out. (I am particularly guilty of this though with my teen....."I am going to cancel our family holiday if you don't....)

Original poster

BigAngryRedThing · 14/08/2010 19:56

I know... I don't think I could actually go through with taking it away, so also a bit stupid!

I suppose in most instances I have more time to talk to him, but I was at the end of my tether, with DC2 playing up too... I don't know what I could say to make him react quickly!

OP posts:

ragged · 14/08/2010 19:57

Yeah, the sort of punishment you'd very much hate to implement! Don't sweat the past, but think about what to say instead next time.

Original poster

BigAngryRedThing · 14/08/2010 20:01

What would you have done/said in that situation?

OP posts:

EccentricaGallumbits · 14/08/2010 20:03

never threaten anything you can't/won't be able to do.

or anything that will make your life more difficult.

scurryfunge · 14/08/2010 20:04

What treats do you have around bedtime? Maybe not getting to choose their story or bath toy or similar.

Original poster

BigAngryRedThing · 14/08/2010 20:07

In this instance, he'd had all his treats, Saturday we all watch You've Been Framed with milk and toast whilst in pjamas, then it's up for quick teeth brush, loo and bed. It was the request fro teeth brushing that set it off.

OP posts:

Othersideofthechannel · 14/08/2010 20:11

Yes, too mean.

With my two, refusal to get ready for bed is usually down to being too tired. I have always found it helpful to 'baby' them and help them as much as possible. IME if they are really tired, they go with it and if they are just mucking around they don't want to be babied and get on with it.

If they have already done teeth and pjs and won't get into bed, I offer them the option of sleepng on the floor. DD once happily slept all night on her (hard wood) floor with her pillow and duvet.

UniS · 14/08/2010 20:33

I threaten ( and carry through) my 4 yr old DS with breaking up of lego models.

Used to be removal of toy cars to high shelf, till he stopped caring about them and fell in love with lego.

13lucky · 14/08/2010 20:34

I must be a bit harsh because I don't think it is too mean - it had the desired effect after all. I've threatened the same thing with my dd who is the same age and also had to follow it through. She was ok and accepted it and understood why I had taken it away. She got it back the next morning. Oh dear, I am going to get slated for being mean!

knickers0nmyhead · 14/08/2010 20:35

I threatened to cancel dd's party tomorrow if she didn't stop being an arse...worked for an hour

Othersideofthechannel · 14/08/2010 20:36

I suppose it also depends on how attached they are to their comforter.

montmartre · 14/08/2010 20:39

I find with my 4yo, threatening to take her bike away is the only thing that works... but I feel awful doing it, and I am just at a loss as to how to make her do the things she has to do when she doesn't want to

Ragwort · 14/08/2010 20:40

It worked - so it doesn't matter if it was mean or not.

13lucky · 14/08/2010 20:42

Oh thank goodness UniS and montmartre...I am not the only mean mummy!

I feel like I am constantly making threats...you can't have this unless...we won't do x, y, z unless...etc etc. Or else I'm bribing her...you can have a treat if you're a good girl/play nicely/are kind to your brother.

Is this just me? Or is it all threats and bribes with 4 year olds?? I feel like I'm doing it all a bit wrong...?!

(sorry, not trying to highjack thread)

shimmerysilverglitter · 14/08/2010 20:46

Its mean.

However I have threatened to take back money earned by ds (7) for little jobs when stressful bedtime comes around . I know that is very wrong, ds earned the money and it should not be used to punish him. I apologised within five minutes and said that I was very wrong to do it.

We are not perfect though are we?

AT1137 · 14/08/2010 20:47

Sorry, not too mean, I have threatened mine with the same. It soon gets results.

raybeth · 14/08/2010 20:50

I find with bedtime what usually works with my 2yr old at the moment is, if i say you have to go to sleep now or you wont have any energy to go to park, zoo, etc, tomorrow, this has worked past few weeks whilst her older sister off school and we going out for days. It seems bribery in any form seems to be the only answer!

Gay40 · 14/08/2010 20:56

My teacher training lecturer said to me: "It's not the severity, it's the certainty." So I started using this with DD, and any other situation, and my god it works. You only have to carry out the threat once.

I never threaten withdrawing holidays and days out because realistically it would never happen. But yes, we have got up and left the cinema in the middle of the film. Once was all it took.

ChilledChick2 · 15/08/2010 18:13

If my 2 DC's are playing up and won't do what they've been asked, I go for the '3 strikes and your out' routine. It goes like this:
Ask them to do something
1st refusal = strike 1
Ask them again, give a count to five to start and issue threat
2nd refusal = strike 2
Ask 3rd time, start count and issue final threat
3rd refusal = 3rd strike and carry out threat.

My former HV always told me, no matter how tired/stressed/frazzled you are, NEVER threaten a punishment and NOT carry it out otherwise, the DC will quickly realise they are just empty threats and take no notice.

BTW I don't think you are being mean, just trying to make your DC realise there are certain things they need to do themselves.

DetectivePotato · 15/08/2010 19:39

Its not too mean.

We are currently having a difficult time with DS at bedtime, He is 2.6. Last night DH put hi back to bed 46 times and he was still getting up thinking it was a great game.

I went up and got really firm with him. I threatened to take a particular toy out of his cot. Not had since birth or anything but something he likes in his bed. He got up and I took the toy away and left the room. Cue DS up and screaming. I then told him if he stayed in bed he could have it. He went back to bed and he got his toy back.

Did the same thing this evening as he was showing signs of repeating the ridculousness of the last 2 nights where he was up and down for 2 hours. He hasn't got up tonight.

As long as it is something you will follow through, do it. They will learn.

Its better than what my friend does which is threatening her DD with something that she is terrified of. Like a man named George, cats or a big dinosaur (man dressed up as at our local play area). That is too mean and traumatising.

pointydog · 15/08/2010 19:54

I'd've tried a gentler approach with the teddy. Like, 'teddy's tired and if you don't take him up to bed with you now, he'll be sleeping with mum'. Maybe.

I used to say no supper then. But maybe you don't do supper or he's already had it.

moondog · 15/08/2010 19:56

It's pointless really if he won't sleep well without it as that presumably is hat you want him to do-get into bed and go to sleep.

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