What DO you do when your child will not do what they are told?

[trainsetter]

I can't physically make her. She isn't bothered about anything we say.

how old?

how old?

With mine - who are 9,6&4, I ask nicely but firmly rather than 'tell' iyswim, but if they don't comply then I start to ignore all requests from them with the response "you haven't done xx that I asked you to do so I'm ignoring what you ask me as well" It doesn't take long in our house
[wicked mother emoticon]

pmsl tiff - same q!

7

Good idea gigglewitch, will try that.

Do you say if you won't do that I won't do this?

mine is 14 (one of my 5) and stubborn as a mule......removing internet/pnone/ipod/pocket money/outings with mates works well i've found!

Just went in to ask them and she is crying as ds has thrown something in her eye.

At the risk of this backfiring, I just redirect to "I've asked you to do bla and I'm still waiting. When you've done that I've asked you to do, then I will do what you are asking me to do." Usually in a reasonably pleasant but firm tone, saying I've not fallen out with you, but nor am I going to budge, mate

p.s it only works here because mine are demanding buggers usually in need of help with something, heheee

it is hard. have the same with ds1. responds to no rewards or punishments. cares about nothing. or seems to. a good actor ?

just keep on going. what else is there ? try to keep calm and not let them get to you. definitely not let tehm KNOW that they are getting to you.
this is the hardest thing, i think.

there are no answers to this. none at all.

so true, oblomov.

There are usually ways round it.

Often I will tell him that until he's done whatever it is we can't actually go to so and so - so really he has no option if he wants to go out etc.

If he still won't I will just say 'Okay, we won't go, that's fine'. Sometimes this works.

Also you can turn it round and be relentlessly positive - 'okay! Well, what do you think you feel like doing at this moment? Would you like a game of such and such?' usually transforms their mood instantly. It depends if the 'thing' can wait or not.

flight what happens if you have no bargaining power. what happens if thye say thta they are not that botherd if they :
can't go to so-and-so's party
not play their ds
not ride their bike to school

what do you do if they care about nothing ?

Watching with interest as Ds (8) is being a right little bugger so & so at the mo.

Having the same with DS2 who is 5. Going to bed early doesn't work really, spend more time dealing with the tantrum he's having because he's in bed early (or cleaning up the pen on the carpet)

DS1 who's 8 is getting easier now he has more stuff to conviscate and needs money for things.

Ob, I think in that case you call their bluff and let them see for themselves.

Is this constant or only when in obstinate mode?

I mean consequences iyswim

ie 'Well ds if you don't put on your proper clothes and your shoes, we won't be at school on time'

'I don't care'

'No, but when we are late I will need to tell them why'

This still operates on leverage presuming he will care what his teacher says, even if he is blustering with you.

He may still need a way to save face though. I haven't thought that one through properly - it does sound very difficult.

Wait.
One thing I can do is out-wait them.
So it often comes down to me just waiting for them to come around to feeling more cooperative.
Like Giggle said, eventually they'll need something from me and I NEVER FORGET (evil ) that they still haven't done XYZ I asked them to do 3 hours ago.

Mine is not so much a wait it out situation. although sometimes he does get on my nerves , faffing around whoslt i'm trying to get him out the door on the school run.

mine is general stroppy, answering back, being rude, defiant, saying no i won't. so then i say well if you don't then ....
and then wehn he really pushes me , many many times, then i make a threat, right then .... if you're not careful,... no party/ds/bike riding.

but he is not that bbothered. i acn not find anything he is bothered about. if he loses ds he doesn't care. when he gets it back its o.k. but he doesn't seem that bothered either way. rewards and punishments do not create general, day-to-day, good behaviour. we swing from very good to very bad ( not that his behaviour is THAT bad, its just irritating. all his friends do it too, according to their mums, its just that they respond to threats/punishments. he does not)

this vicious circle is painful. draining. and i do NOT beleive there is a way out of it. i just have to continue, telling myself to remain calm for the next 12 years. he has been like this, for maybe 2 years or so.

i do occassionally threaten him with telling his teacher and his headmistress, who he adores. he begged and begged me not to tell them. made me decide to tell them even more.and i did tell them. they were truely shocked. becasue he is such an angel at school. but i can't keep using them as a threat.

and dh told him he wasn't going to the fathers day breakfast . and i told the teacher why not. then she rang me and dh and begged him to go, because 59 out of the 60 dads were. dh always wanted to go, so it didn't take much persuading.
so i tell, you, i have no bargaining power. its easy to bargain and discipline a child that responds. what do you do if they SEEM to genuinely not really care about nayhting.
he likes ds's. he loves going to parties. but if you say no, and beleive me, I ACTION IT, I don't threaten and then not carry it through. he's not that bothered.

Okay well perhaps you might need to look further up the river as it were.

Mine is rarely defiant and horrible, but when he is it is generally proper tiredness - he was worse at the end of term for example.

just totally worn out - or worried about something silly, which he might then tell me if I sit down with him and ask.

He tends to be great when he is feeling well and has not been pushed to his physical limit by school or lack of sleep etc.

I wonder if this is something you could consider.

Otherwise I don't think I can really help much.

Maybe he just doesn't want to go to the parties? Maybe he is tired? I don't know - forgive me if I sound pious or anything, I do know the feeling of having a very beastly 7yo staring at you with their best evil look, and trying to hurt you.

It's awful but it is often a symptom of something like exhaustion or frustration. I do remember mine was particularly bad when his friend at school was bullying him.

there may be part of it that it tiredness fligh. but it can't be just that. becasue this is not a recent thing, not like at the end of term, when they were all obviously tired. this has been going on, on and off, for more thna 2 years now.
up the river ? please enlighten me. i am ears. truely. i am open to any suggestions. i think i have considred everything. butrealistically, i can't of.
parenting is quite simple. the woman on my parenitng course admitted she could teach me nothing i hadn't always done. we are waiting to see child pyschologist. but realistically what are they going to tell me that any google search or MN'er couldn't ?

I hate Alfie Kohn's school of parenting, but he's got me by the short & curlies in that threats/bribes work so badly with DS2; DS also decides to simply not care whatever punishment I might suggest (and ALWAYS eventually impose, he has missed all sorts of events as a result). Meanwhile, DS makes threats whenever he wants to get his own way, talk about a strategy backfiring!

So I am resorting to trying to understand his moods, better (blech, I am not a naturally empathetic person). A lot of his reluctance to cooperate comes down to boredom, attention-seeking, anxieties, stuff like that, it seems.