Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Is it normal for a child to talk about oral sex?

58 replies

Marbles2 · 01/08/2010 18:37

Just asking, because I informed the mum about it and she has gone mental against... me.

I know she leaves her child, frequently overnight, under the care of single men. So I thought it was a good idea to let her know about what her child mentioned to mine, just in case something was going on.

She has gone ballistic, accused me of trying to ruin her happiness with lies. Family thinks this kind of talk is normal between children but is it? Do 8 year olds talk about oral sex?

I think I did the right thing by telling her, but did I?

OP posts:
dcgc · 01/08/2010 19:49

A child of 8 years old displaying sexualised behaviour (which is what this IS) is not normal. Please speak to SS.

MathsMadMummy · 01/08/2010 19:52

lord no, how horrible.

the very least thing that could've happened is seeing it on a movie but even that is nasty if the boy is able to see it IYSWIM.

awful

hefferlump · 01/08/2010 20:41

I would like to confess here and now that I knew about oral sex, sex, and lots more at this age and younger ............ I found my Dads porn mags one day and once I knew where they were I used to go and take a peek quite regularly.

I then passed the info on to my friends.

Whilst the child in this case is concern, I just want you all to realise that its not just a potential abuse/grooming situation - it may well be a curious child who's found something they shouldnt have.

Even with my background I would still call SS or nspcc for advice.

PixieOnaLeaf · 01/08/2010 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hefferlump · 01/08/2010 21:13

Dont go there Pixie ........ thanks for the concern but I was born over 44 years ago and my Dad at the time was very young. It was ignorance not abuse.

Original poster
Marbles2 · 01/08/2010 21:14

Ok. How do I contact social services?

The woman is so convinced that I want ex back that she has sent a letter saying that this is a "desperate attempt" damage their relationship. I would rather die than having him back... honest.

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 01/08/2010 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gigantaur · 01/08/2010 21:18

Social services can be contacted via your local council.

They will not be concerned about your possible desire to rekindle a relationship, only whether the children concerned are being harmed.

Hefferlump - you are right,. in your case it was less abuse and more ignorance. either way, you were subjected to harmful images and if someone had alerted your father he could have made sure that you were kept safe from that in future.

I am glad you realise this is still a case for SS

hefferlump · 01/08/2010 21:21

thats okay pixie

Issues like this really do tug at everyones deepest fears.

Marbles2 - you're doing the right thing by contacting SS.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 01/08/2010 21:30

Google them, there is someone there at the weekends (crisis social worker), they will take notes and get back to you.

It's a good thing that you are doing. Child protection should be everyone's business, it's sweeping it under the carpet and pretending it doesn't happen that also causes damage to a child.

Original poster
Marbles2 · 01/08/2010 21:31

Thank you all, I have found the number. Will need to ring tomorrow when they are open.

Gosh, I wonder if I am not putting DS and myself at risk by doing this... it is not that ex has been a reasonable person over the last year... I'm scared.

OP posts:
Lynli · 01/08/2010 21:40

Ds 9 came home last term and another boy had told him about oral sex, I felt as you do that it was strange. It later became apparent that they are now teaching this in sex education classes to the older children. This boy's older brother had enlightened him.

donttellbounty · 01/08/2010 21:50

have namechanged to protact family ID.

A few weeks ago my nephew (4) was playinjg with his friend. a little girl of 6.
My other nephew (7) was also there.

The little girl began giving him oral sex.

My elder nephew walked out and my younger nephew giggled.

He came into his mother and told her that the girl had kissed his willy.
When my SIL told my brother he went ballistic and contacted me for advice. I told him to go to SS.
My sil wasn't happy to report her friend so she spoke to the school instead. they told her instantly that it would be referred to SS.

SS investigated and after only 2 visits they discovered that the young girls aunt, only 15 herself, had images of child porn on her computer. She had been getting her younger brother (9) and her neice (the 6 year old) to perform sexual acts on each other whilst she watched.

Now the reason i am telling you this is that whilst yes, there are 1001 possible innocent explanations it is also possible that this child is being subject to abuse.

It is possible your Ex may turn nasty and for that all you can do is contact the police. you must think of the child.

DollyTwat · 01/08/2010 22:17

on the other hand, I inadvertantly told DS1 about oral sex the other day and there is no sexual abuse going on in our house (just me and the 2 boys live here).

He was giving examples of the most awful thing he could think of and oral sex (or sucking someone's bits) was one of them, and without thinking really I said that it was actually a very normal thing for loving adults to do. I did regret telling him, and changed the subject as soon as I could, but I didn't want him thinking that sex is something dirty.

However, I would be horrified to think that someone suspected he was being abused on the basis of him knowing something like that at aged 8.

He knows about periods too, only because I had to unexplain some misinformation he'd been given.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 01/08/2010 22:21

Ds learned about all of this at his last school, it's the only thing he did learn whilst he was there, he didn't return in September

Gigantaur · 01/08/2010 22:22

Dolly - don't panic.
A child knowing about things doesnt mean anything. As i have said, there are a million reasons why it could be perfectly innocent but its posbile it isn't.

ragged · 01/08/2010 22:24

Oh, that's gut-wrenching, DTB .
Not so bad about your nephew, I could deal with his experience if he were mine, but to think what the little girl has been put thru .

Mind, my mother was a social worker and she had heaps of stories like that (which is why I get so peeved at MNers nitpicking over minor parenting shortcomings).

DorotheaPlenticlew · 01/08/2010 22:49

Marbles -- what are you afraid will happen? People on here will gladly give you informed support or advice about keeping yourself and your dc safe. Do keep posting.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 01/08/2010 22:51

ragged, not just the little girl but the 9 year old boy -- will both be lucky not to be hugely messed up after that.

Orangerie · 01/08/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Orangerie · 01/08/2010 23:00

Have asked for last post to be deleted, please don't comment on that. [please]

Original poster
Marbles2 · 02/08/2010 00:50

DTB. That's terrible. How does a family survive that? I guess I wouldn't want the "aunt" near to my children ever again. I know, I know, she is a child herself and more likely a victim too, but definitely she is in a different league.

Gigantaur, that last post has left me wondering again whether I should call social services or not ... it may all be innocent, but the retaliation that would follow may be too much for DS and I to bear: Ex already doesn't want to see DS anymore, my son has been miserable about having the holiday canceled just one day before he was going to go (he doesn't know yet his dad cancelled contact indefinitely). Ex is openly saying that I'm damaging my son even when DS told him that he didn't like to be kissed by the other child. He thinks I'm paranoid, over reacting, and dangerous to my own child just because I let them know of the situation and for them to keep an eye on the children during the holiday.

We are currently negotiating the separation of assets, if ex is annoyed, and he certainly is, he can force me to sell the house. I'm not being greedy here, if things go wrong I wouldn't be able to re house ourselves in a safe area for DS unless we move away.

I have told the mum about the problem, it is her responsibility to check if the friends she leaves her son with are safe. I'm not risking DS and I anymore. My main concern should be the stability of DS. In any other situation, no problem, I would ring, but I cannot risk the stability of DS to protect a child who is very likely not to need protection.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 02/08/2010 12:06

Your ex is already annoyed, as you say. So the issue with the house-sale is very likely to happen anyway. You're not paranoid or over-reacting and there is a child in the middle of all this that is clearly at risk. Your own son is now safe in your care. He's not going back to that house and - if his father wants to laugh off the potential of sexual abuse - his father is not much of a Dad in any case. Sometimes, we have to do things that, even though there may be repercussions for ourselves, are for the greater good.

mummytime · 02/08/2010 12:20

You need to go to SS, they need to investigate. You Ex's attitude stinks, and this will come out to SS too. I would have thought that if anything it will help you and your DS in future.

Would you really want your son on holiday with your ex, his new partner and her son, given their attitude to what you have told them?

LIZS · 02/08/2010 13:12

Agree with Chil, I think you've already crossed the line by raising it and won't lose much more now by reporting. I don't fully get why this child is so often left with other than exp or his mum anyway - dot hey both work shifts or something or will she not leave him with exp ? It may be something over nothing but chances are eventually your ds will resume contact so can you take that risk ?