DD is driving me insane - what am i doing wrong?

[Heebychick]

I know it's me, it must be. My DD is 3 and she is a clever, beautiful wee soul but .... really I find it so very hard to like her some of the time. She (like all young children I am told) never listens, shouts, cries at every opportunity, screams at me, demands ALL the time, plays up at any given opportunity and never, ever, ever does anything she is asked to do first, second or third time.

We use 'i'm going to count to 3 ... ' etc then if i reach 3 she goes in time out. But i'm counting to 3 nearly every minute of the day, she goes into time out lots lately and comes out of it better, i praise her but then within seconds she's back doing it, so back in time out and so the cycle continues.

Clearly i'm not doing it right or it's not effective enough.

I am tried and I see red mist so very much, I love my girls but when one is spiteful, spoilt and generally has no respect (when do they learn this??) then i find it hard to enjoy being with her.

She gets out lots, we have lots of friends and activities and i am home with them every day.

I am a rubbish mum and i get angry (hence why i can't sleep at midnight because she just woke up, wanted to tell me something so Daddy said to tell him as i was asleep but she just shouted until it woke everyone in the house and then demanded i watch (i didn't) so i counted to 3 which resulted in time out and then finally she went to bed without screaming.

I'm exhausted and fed up with being a mummy.

ps i have always worked very hard to praise her efforts, for anything remotely positive and make a point of commenting on her 'excellent behaviour, brilliant drawing, excellent sharing' etc etc

I don't really have any advice for you because I have a very similar problem with DD1 and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

In my case I know it is because I have spoilt her so much, with my undivided attention as well as with things. When DD2 was born I felt sorry for her not getting all the attention so I overcompensated and gave her more attention and now have a stroppy over-opinionated madam who cannot understand the word no and has no respect for anyone or anything and I also get v angry and frustrated with trying to make her do anything that she doesn't want to do.

I suppose til someone has some real advice you could try and remember that she will grow up and it can only get easier.

Hey that is such a help thank you so much, and gosh it sounds like me totally! DD1 is spoilt and I give in and buy her so much for the same reasons. She is the same, a little madam who cannot understand why she isn't in charge and hates it when we challenge that.

Some days she can be an angel and i am calm, i know it's worse when i am cross or if i let it get me angry but despite my best efforts i find it hard not to be affected.

Sigh - for us both.

Yes big sigh

I have tried every type of punishment, rewarding good behaviour, star charts, taking away her toys, time-outs and nothing seems to work.

She is an angel when she is with anyone else and everyone says how well behaved she is but when she is with me she is a nightmare!!

I've tried ignoring her bad behaviour and only giving her attention when she is behaving but she will hit DD2 or do something dangerous like trying to jump off a wall and then I'm cross with her again. I think I will try this again and maybe listen to calming music on my ipod in one ear!!

I hope you have a better day today

No advice - but I hear you. Mine is, atm, refusing to get out of the bath. She will get in to trouble in a minute and it will end up with her going to bed without stories and me feeling crap and like a failure. As it always does. I just don't feel like being her mother a lot of the time. And then I feel so guilty and overcompensate.

eghhh,

im with you guys...i have a feeling im just not cut out to be a sahm.

sooo nice to hear im not the only one,
my dd isnt even particualy badly behaved,always says sorry after time out etc...
but shes non stop always talking asking questions and she never sleeps...
and shes only 2,we do loads together,hardly ever indoors doing nothing,but she seems to have boundless energy...
and the tantrums,oh the tantrums...

god im an awful mother,shes only a kid!

eghhh...

I dont have any advice but I am thinking of getting this book ive heard about that talks about how we praise too much... does anyone know what its called?

Im supernanny type mum so I punish bad behavior and praise good behaviour. But my DD is pretty willful and often doesnt do as shes told.

I heard about this book and it says that because we praise good behaviour so much our children think it is above what is expected. Where as if you just treat good behaviour like the norm they realise it is just what is expected of them... dont know if I agree but id like to give it a go. Might help you OP.

Hang on in there.

My DS is nearly 4 and this year has been hellish at times. However, in the last few weeks I have seen in marked improvement in his behaviour. I use the counting to 5 thing, and these days I get to 3 and he usually stops doing whatever it is he is doing.

I was warned that being 3 was worse than being 2 but I feel I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

What has worked for us is making sure that we find time for 1 to 1 time with each child. My DS really responds to being alone with me, even if it is just a shopping trip with a cake.

its funny they say 'terrible twos' isnt it. The twos pale in commparrison to the terrible 3s, 4s and 5s...!

OH GOD dont say that! foureleven
i cant cope with that information...OH GOD...

Yes, the person who told me about said that 3 was just 2 with a years practice.

I think time out is a very ineffective tool for many children and parents. I am not claiming I have all the answers, (just do a search for my own questions about behavior ), but time out only seems to work for some children. It also seems to be that if it doesn't work parents think they are not doing it properly/enough rather than that it is a poor tool to use.

Have you read How to talk so Kids will Listen? I have found that the techniques in there work quickly if they are going to. I just find that I need to read it most days to keep it in my head.

haha sorry skyeplusbump! It does get easier.. each stage seems to have had its own 'special' little challenges so its not really comparible to 2s and 3s..

llareggub I would agree with that although sometimes I feel like 3 is 2 with an extra years tiredness!!! I'm at 5 yrs now so 3 years tiredness on top!

• I had a tricky weekend with mine so not feeling particularly positive today

humphrey that sounds like a good book,do you know the author?!

foureleven the damage is done...

AND im about to get another one! what an eejit!

Pick one method and stick with it, chopping and changing between reward and punishments is half the trouble, it may seriously take years to sink in but if she knows everytime she screams at you then you will take away a toy or tv time whatever then the message will sink in.
It's not going to happen overnight and there will be loads of set backs but stick with the same method.

My lo is only 7 months old so I have this yet to come but I just wanted to say that my sister who has two little girls a 5 and a 3 year old swears by a book called "kid cooperation- how to stop yelling, nagging, pleading and get kids to cooperate", here's the link:
www.amazon.co.uk/Kid-Cooperation-Yelling-Pleading-Cooperate/dp/1572240407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books &qid=1280142863&sr=8-1
She said it was so good I have already bought my own copy in preperation,lol! Have a read of the reviews you will find more here as it is an american author:
www.amazon.com/Kid-Cooperation-Yelling-Pleading-Cooperate/dp/1572240407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&q id=1280143121&sr=8-1
Good Luck!

Heeby,
A second here for 'How to talk so kids listen' - it's one of those books I refer to again and again, and has really changed the way I (try) to talk to my kids.

Also, another thought - one of the most useful things I heard about parenting 2/3/4 year olds is 'choose your battles' - you say you're doing time out all day - well maybe you should let some things go. I'm not advocating lax parenting; I'm all for discipline, but I do think that if kids hear do this/do that all day, then they're bound to tune out - I would!

good luck

Hi all,

I am so relieved to hear it's not just me, ok i knew it wasn't but good to actually hear from some others!

I will look at both those books, i really want to be a calm and confident mummy but like you say it's hard not to get angry.

I have always picked my battles, i give her choices and if it's no big deal i don't pick her up on it, but she is in tears and tantrums about 20 times a day, usually because i've done something she doesn't agree with (like just now i undid her seatbelt when we got back home and she wanted to try so threw a hissy fit because i had done it first. I told her that it wasn't nice behaviour and shut the door leaving her there for a minute. She finally stopped screaming, said sorry etc then when i praised her for saying sorry etc and helped her out of the car she then threw a hissy fit about the same thing! I give up.

She cries every time she doesn't like an instruction too. Which is quite a lot of the time.

Another thing, she says 'watch me mummy' around hundred times a day (11 since i started typing things - all for different things, most of which she makes something up on the spot for me to 'watch') Now she craves attention i hear you cry ... we have had a full day of 121 time today and she has my full attention a lot - more than the other one by far so why crave it constantly.

Ok stupid questions i know, she's a kid and i'm the grown up and hey i'll be berated by all those earth mothers, but you know i really am rubbish at this and don't like it very much.

that meant to read '11 since i started typing this!'

Heeby you are not rubbish and can I tell you a secret...no-one enjoys it all the time

What is this myth that our children should be saintly darlings who we enjoy every minute with? If there are people who say this they are LYING .

It is a phase, it will pass. Keep being consistent, keep calm and she will learn that her behaviour doesn't get any reward.

Oh, and on the respect thing (ie where does she learn having no respect) IME they are born with no respect and then they have to learn it...no help at all I appreciate but as the mother of a nearly 4yo I can say it does get better!

I'm loving the book 'Connected parenting' at the mo. It talks about modelling behaviours, ie if you want your child to learn respect, start modelling it, stop nagging etcetcetc.

I'm finding my LO much easier since I started reading it and following its outlines. Love it, can't recommend it highly enough. Its really made me alter how I think about parenting.

I have recently read Buddhism for Mothers and loved it, although i'm far from being a Buddhist although that is my goal. I want to enjoy my girls and see them for the little people they are and help them to grow - rather than wish they were in bed

Don't give yourself a hard time.You're doing great-make sure you get "me time" too.We've all wished they were in bed.

We all wish they were in bed, don't feel bad! By 7 pm I wish dd 13mths was in bed and she doesn't talk back yet, and she is my only one!

You're doing a difficult job and doing it well. My dd's godmother has boys 4 and 2 as well as a tiny dd. She said when it gets difficult she shuts her eyes and tries to imagine Christmas 25 years hence - two handsome lads and a pretty young woman - and remind herself that this stage won't go on forever!

You've had loads of good advice on here, all of which I concur with. I'll give you my particular take on the incident with her in the car though:

She throws a tantrum, gets ignored and stops crying. You then praise her for stopping. Then you help her out of the car, she throws a tantrum, presumably gets ignored and stops crying - you then praise her again.

From what I see, the thing she responds to the most is being ignored for the bad behaviour. It's almost like she throws a wobbly knowing that when she stops you are going to praise/reward her for stopping, and she knows EXACTLY how to get it again.

My advice would be along the lines of another poster who said don't praise for every tiny little thing. Just ignore the bad. Try it out even just for 2 days or so, see if it works. It will be hard not to praise your little darling if she's doing so much better, but that's the point you see . Then after it's been working for awhile (IF!) you can start to praise again.

Just an idea