DD is driving me insane - what am i doing wrong?

[Heebychick]

I know it's me, it must be. My DD is 3 and she is a clever, beautiful wee soul but .... really I find it so very hard to like her some of the time. She (like all young children I am told) never listens, shouts, cries at every opportunity, screams at me, demands ALL the time, plays up at any given opportunity and never, ever, ever does anything she is asked to do first, second or third time.

We use 'i'm going to count to 3 ... ' etc then if i reach 3 she goes in time out. But i'm counting to 3 nearly every minute of the day, she goes into time out lots lately and comes out of it better, i praise her but then within seconds she's back doing it, so back in time out and so the cycle continues.

Clearly i'm not doing it right or it's not effective enough.

I am tried and I see red mist so very much, I love my girls but when one is spiteful, spoilt and generally has no respect (when do they learn this??) then i find it hard to enjoy being with her.

She gets out lots, we have lots of friends and activities and i am home with them every day.

I am a rubbish mum and i get angry (hence why i can't sleep at midnight because she just woke up, wanted to tell me something so Daddy said to tell him as i was asleep but she just shouted until it woke everyone in the house and then demanded i watch (i didn't) so i counted to 3 which resulted in time out and then finally she went to bed without screaming.

I'm exhausted and fed up with being a mummy.

starberries you're right, it's totally worth a go, maybe i do give out praise so much she doesn't feel she has to do much to get it and after all attention is attention whether it's good or bad. I will try that and report back!

Thanks so much everyone, I'm booking my mum for Wednesday eve to go out to the flicks and I will try to do the Christmas thing too, love that idea.

xx

puffylovett would you mind posting a link to that book you are reading, there are a few on Amazon with similar titles and I got confused, sounds like a great book I would love to read it!

hello girls, heeby 'Buddhism for mothers' was a real milestone for me too, I was so delighted to see it mentioned! The two follow-on books are excellent too. Just to say that my DD is now 9, and things are much much better, but my GOD the 2-5 stage nearly killed me. She was incredibly demanding, tantrum-prone, negative, and generally...unhappy, with a LOT of rage. we were at our wits' end. she was ten weeks' prem, so i am not sure whether that was a contributory factor but i feel your pain, all of you on here with tricky pre-schoolers! Once my DD went to school all went SO much better. she thrived on the structure and stimulation (like so many of these spirited children, she is bright) and she gradually 'grew into herself.'
As well as Buddhism for mothers, I highly recommend 'Raising your Spirited Child'. no one method of behavioural modification worked for us, I am afraid - but I firmly believe that over-praising can lead to problems, as someone else mentioned on here, and I also believe that our modern habit of providing constant choices to toddlers can be problematic for those who need boundaries and clear-cut-ness. my DD was confused by the choices I confronted her with for a long time, and I regret that I was not firmer and clearer with her from the beginning. I was like a headless chicken for a good couple of years, never having encountered such a headstrong child and being myself fairly non-confrontational by nature!!
GOOD LUCK. It gets SO much better! XX

PS Heeby - it is most emphatically not you. it is the stage you're at, that's all. the stage you are at was without a doubt the most challenging of my entire life to date. It matters so much to us all to be Good Mothers, to 'get it right'. Of course we feel it's all our fault if mothering isn't living up to our high expectations! I tell you, I used to cry myself to sleep when things were at their worst, wondering what the next day would hold. But little by little things just got better. Some kids are simply more challenging that others. That doesn't mean all the reading, the agonising, the parenting courses and the advice-seeking is a waste of time - far from it - but remember that this is a phase which will pass, and that IMHO not many stages can be quite as exhausting as the pre-school one. Though I am well aware that the teenage years LOOM EEK!!
two things that have helped me:
1/ letting go of my dream child(!) (see 'raising your spirited child'!) - this sounds hippy-dippy, but simply means letting go of the mythical child-you-thougt-you'd-have. i used to think 'why the hell is this so hard? where is the daughter i was expecting to have, with such and such a character trait/personality trait/temperament' and now i accept that this is the deal, this is my situation, and this daughter, with all her amazing qualities, her fierce intelligence, her introversion, her dry wit and her volatile moods, this is my child, and i need to get on with managing her - and enjoying her! - to the best of my abilities
2/ living in the present (see 'Buddhism for Mothers', of course!!) and trying not to let past situations colour my reaction to THIS situation, in the present moment, right NOW
Hope this helps, even a tiny bit!

My DD is also three and she is fab,but she can also be pretty beastly.I think three is the hardest tbh,two gets the terrible moniker but three is harder.My elder Dd who was better behaved than my current three year old was still hard work at three.Roll on 4! it gets much easier.

HI I'd like to pop in too if I can
My 3and a half year old DD1 is driving me crazy, lots of similar behaviour to that already mentioned,

Specifically, not listening and following instructions, tantrums and running away when we are out and about are bad one for me.

What makes it worse is that I'm a teacher and see it that I have to be seen parenting the 'right way'.

I have the 'how to talk' book and I'm about to read it again and this week I have introduced a sticker chart for tidying up - a particular problem after the other week when I asked her to pick up some crayons she shouted at me 'no you do it'

I think I've also made a connection with how much we do in one day. She gets very tired and this can be a factor in her behaviour.

I have a 10 month old too and this can be difficult as DD1 will not leave her alone. taking toys off her picking her up, waggling her head etc. She was very small at birth ad has had some health problems which also doesn't help, plus, they have to share a room.

we go to a couple of groups and while we are there I try to to make it a special time with DD1 as DD2 is happy to sit in the car seat or is sleeping bu toften she doesn't want to be with me and wants to hold one of the other mothers hand or sit on their kneee leaving me on my own. It feels like a slap in the face.

To add into things DH is in the best of health and this can have a major impact on our time as a family.

I am sort of hoping that this is a phase and she will come out of it.

meerkate what a wonderful post, you make so much sense. It's reassuring to hear that it will be over soon(ish) and I really want to just simply be a mum to her and help her through each stage, it must be so hard for us all at that age - so much you want to do and nowhere near the skills you need to do them! I do give her too many choices and she does in fact, when i think about it, cope better if i just tell her what we're eating, wearing etc (even though she might throw a wobbly for a bit!)

She is also a little obsessed about lots of things (like putting her shoes neat and in pairs under her bed and making her bed exactly the way she likes it) and when she asks me for something and i say no she'll say 'can i have it next week?' if i say yes (because it's likely on that occasion etc) then she says 'please write it down mummy and remind me' she can get quite upset, like she doesn't want to forget anything bless her heart.

Sometimes i feel sad she can't just be a 3 year old and i expect too much.

Gosh when you write it down it seems easy to see your mistakes!

I'm joining this thread! I have very similar issues with dd (4.3). Last night I was sobbing in bed to dp about what a rubbish mummy I've been to her . I love her to bits but she is very hard work with difficulties in listening and following instructions. Sometimes I think that things are getting better.....

peachy hello, sorry you are having a tough time too, horrid huh. Sometimes you feel like it's every flippin day and it won't ever end.

My 2 DD's share a room (1 and 3 years) and bedtime used to be hell with them both 'chatting' and keeping each other awake, but now we work it that DD2 goes to bed first and DD1 gets to stay up for half an hour, she enjoys the 'big girl' time with us and she then gets to go to bed in a quiet room and DD2 gets to go off in peace. It works much better and we are less frazzled!

Oh thank goodness! This thread was such a relief to read as we've just had a real slog of a 2 months with our nearly three year old.

The tiredness, crossness and feelings of going insane is one thing but it is the guilt that is killing me!!!! I have to admit I have reolved that this is normal after being out and about and seeing mums being cross/correcting little ones all the time and realising that this is the job.

Something that is working with us is similar to what I use when teaching ad is going well (er.... for now!!!!)

• Remind of instruction (using word REMINDER and me saying "patient and positive" in my head like a deented mantra,...

• Giving a warning and using word warning and stating the consequence (we've been sitting her on her own for 2 minutes or ignoring her if in the car)

• Sanction if needed....

She now hears the words warning and reminder and knows we mean buisines without too many sanctions but I know what you mean *eebychick about feeling like you're just ounting to 3 all the time and correcting and ...so frustrating!!!

Read Toddler Taming - Green. Stop buying her stuff.

Have read Toddler Taming, and as for buying her stuff, i hear you but it's not that simple is it.

It's actually really helping talking to you all about it.

It's really helpful to read it too so thanks for starting the thread.

I've found 'How To Talk' really helful too but still have days when I long for it to be bedtime at 9 am

How many of you have opened the fridge for breakfast milk and paused over the opened white wine bottle briefly ???

Or is that just me.

Actually they are not that bad, but it is hard work for little reward some days.

Don't engage with her at all when she's shouting in the middle of the night - just put her straight back to bed - the end.

Sorry nothing more useful to add.

Heeby. Yep. So cold and refreshing looking, mmm.

In fact, my friend texted 'is is too early for wine?' at 8am one morning shortly after her 2nd was born. I think we've all been there.

Tee hee!

colditz if only it were that simple, my girls share a room so we have to intervene or she wakes the other one who will then also scream for being woken up. fun fun! Thankfully it's not often at night.

am trying this today - not rewarding or praising for 'normal' behaviour ir what is expected, not giving in to little things that have become the norm.

Will report back!

I think you need to ignore her a bit more.

Buy yourself a good stock of decent DVDs (good quality films that have plenty of educational value) and stick her in front of them. Stop playing with her all the time and let her play by herself.

If only! Believe me I would love to leave her to 'play alone' more and this has always been activily encouraged - i assure you i'm not one of those over indulgent clingy mums! Far from it! I run a business from home so any spare time is grabbed when I can.

Sadly she will constantly ask for my attention/shout for me/come out to find me/get cross with herself and give up etc etc when alone.

Plus not sure I want her to sit in front of the TV all the time

Not TV - films. Good quality films are fabulous for developing children's vocabulary and imagination. And then, once her imagination gets going, she will leave you alone to play.

Ok, she has a huge library of Disney and these serve a purpose so I think we have a good mix, if we've had a busy morning for example she'll settle down and watch a Disney film etc. I'm not worried about the mix this front, it's more so the constant need for me when she's not glued to the TV.

TBH, Disney does not generally meet my definition of quality film that broadens the vocabulary and stimulates the imagination. I think of Disney as passive entertainment to be avoided at all costs as it will make children dependent on constant entertainment...

Ok, what would you suggest?

Annie is a great one, my girls make me be Miss Hannigan (a role I slip into with no trouble at all) after watching it, then I give them all a JCloth and make them clean the house. Tis bloody marvelous Ps. I don't have the gin though

Hi lolalota the book is Connection Parenting by Pam Lee - www.amazon.co.uk/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instead-Coercion/dp/1932279768/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=bo oks&qid=1280303646&sr=1-1

hth