Would you tell the other parent the truth about their Dc's behaviour on a playdate??

[claire70]

This is following from another thread where the Mum is appalled by the behaviour of a six year old boy who came to her house for a playdate. She told the boy's mother who didn't believe her.

No one else thought it odd that she had told the mother how ill-behaved her son had been, and I didn't like to hijack her thread, but is it normal? I wouldn't do it unless something very extreme happened, but for all the normal stuff - jumping on beds etc - I just deal with it and tell the mother that it was a pleasure to have her son over (and then avoid inviting him back if the experience was too awful).

I've never put it to the test, but I'd imagine that other mothers don't take too kindly to being told that their darling child is a little terror when not seen through loving eyes.

Would you tell the truth when someone else's child has behaved in a way that you would never accept from your own DC?

And I can't imagine ever calling the child's parents and asking them to take him home either. Gritting my teeth and counting the minutes to pick up - yes. Folding - no!

wel we're all different arent we?

whats unimaginable to you,may be normal to someone else

So would you tell IloveTiffany? or do you mean that what i think is bad behaviour, is normal elsewhere?

LOL... I just returned from a Cub camping weekend with 20 children, some of whom were a right pain in the derriere. When they jump down from the minibus and run into the arms of their delighted parents who say 'How was he/she?'... we always say 'they had a great time!!' 'no trouble at all!!!'. (Oh the hypocrisy) We'd only spill the beans if there had been something really serious/dangerous happen.

no,i'd tell!! but i have been doing paydates for many,many years now. wouldnt you want to know if your own child had misbehaved? isnt this a part of teaching our children social skills?

I'd say "they were a bit rowdy for a bit" or something to indicate that her DS wasn't on best behaviour (even if mine was, I'd lump them together). I want to know if DS1 has been well behaved or not so that I can judge what I can allow him to do...

No, I wouldn't.

One of my sons had a friend to play when DD was about 18 months old. The friend pushed her down the stairs. Of course I was very angry, and I told him off and explained to him that he had hurt her (she was OK, but obviously cried). But I knew that if I told his mum (who is a good friend) she would have been really upset about it, and it wasn't as though it was her fault. She was having a lot of trouble with him at the time as he wasn't getting on with his younger sister (who is a similar age to DD) and she was worried because she couldn't leave the two of them alone for fear of him hurting her. If she had known that he had done this to my DD she would have been really, really upset and I didn't think she needed that on top of everything else.

The boys are now nearly 8 and the younger sisters are 4. We are all still very good friends, the little boy grew out of hating his sister (and now gets bossed around by my DD!), and the mum doesn't know what happened. Hence the name change

I wouldn't mention anything, unless I hadn't been able to control the bad behaviour.

Yes, I would want to know if my Dc had behaved badly, but I wouldn't enjoy hearing about it. Some people stone the bearer of bad news, so i avoid being the bearer! Anyway everyone has different standards and it is not appropriate for me to tell them what they should teach their children.

I took one boy home because he spent an hour goading my son, who eventually couldn't take it any more and angrily burst into tears and went to sit by himself. I considered it beyond saving.

On taking him home I simply said "I think they are both tired and have had enough" at which point the delightful little boy said "xxx shouted and cried." and I just said "anyway got to be getting back." and drove off.

And then never ever phoned again.

I think you should tell.

There are parents to whom it is a complete mystery why their child never seems to get invited somewhere more than once, or (as word spreads of wee Beelzebub's house-destroying prowess spreads about the class) playdates get cancelled and invitations are never reciprocated.

However, there are ways of phrasing it.

Last night I had a child on a playdate here. He's got a short attention span - needed approx 15 different activities to keep him occupied for 2 1/2 hours. He was hard work!
He's also cheeky and he made a bid to be in charge "at home I get to decide what happens". Did I tell him Mum that he possibly has a problem - no!

Bacofoil - you are right, but the question is "is the mum ready to hear it?

I can see i am not alone in thinking this when I read the various threads where teachers are discussing how much of the truth they can get away with in school reports without bringing the wrath of the parents onto them?

Depends on the friend - if it's one of my closer friend's DCs then I'd tell her if she asked but I wouldn't volunteer the information unless it had been something spectacularly bad like biting or something.

If I didn't know the parent well, I probably wouldn't come right out and say their DC was awful, but might say something like "they played really nicely most of the time". tbh it's never one sided in my experience !

I used to dread one of DD's friends coming over to play. She would argue things with me, tell me anything I dished to eat was disgusting, that anything I had arranged to do with them was boring, and oh and she screamed the whole time - not just a screechy voice, but actual screaming for attention I guess.

Anyway I never told her mum. I just couldn't.

But I did discuss about her behaviour with my children and said what I thought about it and how she was rude. And how they are to NEVER, EVER behave like that in someone else's home.

The things is, most children (especially boys IME) on playdates are very excited and therefore a little more "spirited" than they might normally be.

I treat a child on a play date the same as one of my own, if they play up they will be told off. I would expect mine to be treated the same at other people's houses. But as long as the behaviour/incident was sorted out at the time I don't think there is necessarily any need to mention it to the child's parents.

But that is just me

No, and I have very diorect experience of this.

We recently ahd a kid voer that has been an issue ebfore but we thought no- give him anoother chance (playdate before he had snuck to teh freezer, taken out all choc ices, opened them then left them to melt down the back of a sofa).

But he's ahd a rought ime.

And I like kids; i've never yet experienced a playdate I didn't enjoy.

Until this one! By 4.30 I was ready tot ake him home depsite a planned 6.30 drop off! Mum wasn't home so I basically sat by teh door ticking off the minutes!

Started with him telling me on repeat in great detail about a child exactly ds4's age who died in a fall screaming Mummy help me (have found no mention on net ) until I had to ask him to stop it as I was getting quite upset; then DH caught him trying to sneal ds4 up to a top bunk....

Never Again

But we didn't tell aprents

Which is silly as if it were me I'd want to know so i could address it

I had a situation last year at DD's birthday party where one girl in particular (9yrs) was being particularly bossy over the other girls which was causing friction. We had an arts party so they were all sitting down creating their items but then it got into a disagreement with DD and several times I had to chime in to tell the girls to stop bickering and focus on what they were doing.

The thing that irritated me was that they were all invited to our home to celebrate DD's birthday and this one particular girl was looking down her nose at everyone and it really upset me because it was causing an atmosphere with some of the girls and I did not want DD's birthday party spoiled with bickering.

When her dad picked her up he said "Was she well behaved?" I responded with "There was a bit of bickering going on but it seem to have sorted it now.."

I told him because I felt her behaviour was unacceptable for a special occasion and that a higher standard of behaviour is required at certain times. I know she was only 9 but if my daughter had gone to somebody's birthday party and ended up putting the birthday boy/girl into tears I would have been mortified.

I think if the behaviour is within the "normal" range for the child's age, I would keep quiet.

However, if it went beyond that, I would say something. Ds has some behavioural issues and whilst they were easily controlled at home, I really had no idea what happened at other people's houses as they never told me (even though I asked). I needed to know as I could have given the parents some fairly straight forward strategies to deal with ds and then everyone would have been much happier. I may not enjoy hearing that my child is a monster, but I most certainly do not enjoy the pain of him never being invited anywhere because of it.

I had my friends dd for a sleepover & she was awful. I told her Mum an edited version as I knew she would be furious at her dds behaviour and also that this wasn't the norm for her.

I wouldn't say anything. I've had one playdate from hell where the child was a 'handful' (to put it mildly). Longest and most stressful 3 hours I'd had for I don't know how long. But I took some (slight) comfort from the fact that I could hand him back at the end of it and his mother had had a much needed break.

I would say something if it was a family member (niece, nephew). One of my nieces, in particular, can be an absolute terror.

I wouldn't normally tell if I had managed to cope, but if things got really bad would march them home early.

I would not, unless said behaviour had affected one of my dcs or if child had been delibearately rude to me (happened once and I just could not ignore it. Funnily enough I would definitely want to be told if mine had behaved badly.

If there was an issue like jumping on fourniture, opening the cupboards, jumping on my bed,being very noisy,... I would say it to the echild there and then and would not feel the need to report to the parent.

Twice. When DS1's best friend in Reception was kicking my doors for no reason and DS1 was joining in too (they were both 4 and in my defence, I was 7 months pregnant and so had a short fuse anyway). Mum was not too pleased at first but we both got over it and we happily tell each others sons off. Boys are now 9 and the mum is one of my closest friends.

Yr 1 - Ds1 had a friend over and he and the boy created a mini flood in the bathroom. Only told the mum as the boy came down crying saying that it was DS1's fault and I told her it was both of them.
She was cuddling him as he was saying it was DS1's fault and saying 'I know' . Needless to say, they did not have a playdate again for a long time.

and the flipside of the question is... what would you say to a parent who tells you that your DC behaved badly at their house?

• if you agreed that the behaviour described is unacceptable?

• if you thought their expectations were too high given age etc?

Would you even automatically believe them, even if your child denied it or told a different story "yes I did push him, but he tried to kick me first"???

It is opening up this can of worms that keeps me quiet!