The rule book of how to eat for babies.

[giraffesCanDanceInTheSun]

1. If you have something in your mouth and decide that you would like something else instead dont bother wasting precious time chewing and swallowing - simply use the tongue to eject the current mouthful to make room for the prefered food.

1. If something tastes really really good, don't bother to swallow the first bite, just shove more in there until you choke. Its okay, mummy will sweep her finger in your mouth to help.

1. Whatever is on your plate tastes like utter shit - even if it looks the exact same as everyone elses. Food must only be eaten from anyone elses plate.

The best babies always share nicely: remember to take a piece of half-chewed food out of your mouth and offer it to mummy. If she doesn't notice, gently push it into her mouth - she will definitely notice it then.

4.Shampoo is over rated - simpy use left over soup/pasta sauce/weetabix in your hair for a glossy shine.

1. Whatever is on the floor must be food and needs to be tasted straightaway.

1. The stuff in the shiny bowls on the floor is not only for furry creatures, it's a special treat for you too.

1. Colours of food can tell you a lot about what you are eating and the proper treatment for it.

Orange = needs to be smeared everywhere if possible.Try and aim for a good even coverage especially in the nooks and crannies of your chair.

Dark Brown = yummy

Green = the divvil's work. Throw it at a parent if possible.

1. Give fruit a good squeeze to see if it's ripe. And then throw it in the floor.

Orange =

1. If you time a mouthful of weetabix with a really good sneeze you can achieve an attractive pebble-dash effect of anything within a 3' radius.

1. Cheese makes the best shampoo for the lovely lingering cheesy smell we love to sniff on babies so rub it into your head really well, and egg yolk makes the best pretend earwax, so shove large quantities into your ear to be noticed when out in public later.

10. Spoons are not from eating from. They are to be grabbed off anyone who has this misapprehension and chewed. Food is to be shoved in your mouth with your fist, no matter how squidgy.

for eating from

11. Carpet is a major food group and should always be licked.

Mummy's sleeves are made of napkins. don't forget this when you are particularly sticky.

Pram wheels are particularly nutritious, even better than the soles of shoes.

Wet sand is delicious going in. Creates a somewhat scratchy and impossible to clean pebble dash coming out. Win win.

Blueberries. Crush those foolish fruits to oblivion then sweep to floor in manner of Emporer Nero being cross with grapes.

15. All paper tastes good, but for best flavour, shred into small pieces first. The coming week's tv guide is particularly delicious (but not the week before as it will taste stale).

17. Don't forget, eating should be an aural, as well as oral, experience: blow raspberries while eating to enjoy the many and varied noises made by different foods.

If you really like something stuff of much of it as you can into your mouth, all at once. Don't worry, if you realise you have too much in your mouth to be able to chew, you can hold it there to go all squidgy then spit it into the table.

The dog does like oranges, don't listen to mummy. If you just keep following him around the house throwing segments at him, he will eventually eat one. The rest can be stood on or your sister will slip over them, whichever happens first.

this is no ordinary paper.....this is tissue paper.

so light, it melts in your mouth. Enjoy!

Remeber, the longer mummy spends making a tasty, healthy and nutricious meal, the stronger your expression of disgust and fury should be on rejecting it. Batting it away is a start, as is shuddering with revulsion. Reject the next offering in the same manner.

Only when you see mummy put away the Annabel Karmel book and reach for the ready-made jar should you graciously accept a spoonful.

Just because something was yummy yesterday is no reason to like it today - mummy should be kept on her toes by rejecting previously adored foods

everyone knows electrical items need feeding too - pay special attention to daddy's laptop, it is rather hungry...

Most food tastes best after it has matured a little, but toast and fruit segments are especially good if stuffed down the side of the sofa cushions or for premium ageing, an adult sized shoe.

so true!

Yoghurt may be consumed however it is best used for finger painting masterpieces all over tables, chairs, faces and hair.

Ensure you eat with relish anything you managed to get hold of containing too much sugar or salt

Remember to practice your newly found skill of clapping your hands, just as mummy brings a spoonful of yoghurt towards your mouth - you can get just as much coverage as with the sneeze mentioned earlier!