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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

If your not married do you mind having a different surname...

63 replies

mama2moo · 15/05/2010 15:22

to your children?

Im not married to dp and I am starting to hate the fact that I have a different surname to my 2 girls.

A lot of people tell me to just change my surname. Isnt that a bit weird though?

We have no plans to marry.

OP posts:

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Maleeka · 15/05/2010 17:41

My kids have my OH's surname and they ask me sometimes why my name is different, but it doesnt bother me in the slightest

prettybird · 15/05/2010 18:00

mama2moo - 'cos it's my name and I am proud of it. I have also spent many years building a career and because it is so distincitive, it is easy for people to "find" me - even old school friends from NZ from over 30 years ago!

It is also too strange to double-barrel, which would have been the only other option we wold have considered - combined with dh's name, we would have sounded like we were suffering from some sort of disease!

jellybeans · 15/05/2010 18:53

My DD had my surname until we married when we both changed. I wanted the same name as my baby.

twopeople · 15/05/2010 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

loobylu3 · 15/05/2010 20:31

I'm married but have chosen to keep my maiden name. The children have DH's surname. It doesn't bother me at all having a different name from my children. I am proud of my own name.
Why does it bother you to have a different surname? Have you had problems with school or other organisations?
I am just interested as I don't feel the same way.

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 16/05/2010 07:52

My DS has a different surname to me because I'm divorced from his father and re-married. I intended to keep my maiden name on re-marriage but my husband pointed out that especially when we had children we'd have 3 surnames in the house, which would be messy. He absolutely wasn't going to change his surname, although he would have supported me keeping my maiden name but any children we had he would have been very upset for them not to have had his surname.

I dislike it. I hate people assuming I'm Mrs "first married name", when they know my DS's surname, as my ex was abusive and it would be nice not to have to have a connection to him. I also strongly object (although I understand it) to the fact that I may have difficulties in taking my own child abroad because we have different surnames (I've not yet travelled on a passport in my new name with my son, so we will see).

It makes me feel in a way that my DS is separate from our family even though he's being raised by my "new" husband and I know he feels the same.

This is a different situation to where an unmarried couple have different surnames as there's a lot of unhappy history around it. If it was the case that I'd had a child to a man I wasn't married to, my main concern would be the travelling abroad difficulty.

crumpette · 16/05/2010 10:10

DD had my surname and DS has DP's- I felt more comfortable when DD had mine, than now.The only reason for this is that I'm not entirely convinced I'll stay with DP so frankly I envisage problems in the future. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I were sure we'd stay together. But I also wouldn't change my surname to DP's unless we actually got married because again I'm not sure we'll be together and that would be just weird to split up but still have his name.

I am a bit of a globe-trotter in nature and I mostly worry that I will have serious problems travelling with DS in certain countries if I am on my own as we have different surnames.

twosofar · 16/05/2010 10:13

I am not married to DP and my DS's both have his name. I have travelled abroad frequently and never once encountered a problem.

It doesn't bother me or them in the slightest that we have a different name. They are fully aware that t last name is different but I think they probably think that is what's normal!

More often than not when I have to phone DS's pre-school or similar I tnd to say "It's X's mum here" and find that when you deal with school/health professionals etc they just refer to you as 'Mum' anyway.

Is just not an issue these days...

Earthstar · 16/05/2010 10:20

I am not married and gave my child has my surname not dp's - he is her father and we have been together forever but never had any plans to marry. I am amazed that mothers who are unmarried so often give the child the father's name!

seeker · 16/05/2010 10:24

Don't understand why anywone would mind - sorry.

But also don't understand why it is assumed by so many that the children will take their father's name.

Why not just hyphenate?

seeker · 16/05/2010 10:24

In our family, I am Myname, he is Hisname and the children are Myname-Hisname. Problem solved.

saslou · 16/05/2010 10:24

When I had DS1 I was not married to my now DH. I insisted that ds had my last name and put dhs last name as a middle name. When we got married I had my sons birth certificate altered so we all had the same last name (DHs). If we hadn't ever married then I would have wanted my children to have my name. PIL were not happy (esp as I didn't give ds ancestral middle name either) but I take the view that they named their own child, they don't get to name mine.
I think a sensible approach is to decide which last name you like best and go with that for dc. If I had married my dh and not liked his name, then I would have kept mine AND given my name to the dc. Do not think dc should automatically get mans name - it is very sexist. Dhs mum comes from Denmark and there it is quite common for dc with same parents to have different last names or to just have mums name. They seem to pick what they like best.

cher31 · 16/05/2010 11:01

I am in the diff situation of being divorced but i kept the name as ai wanted to have the same name as my daughter and it would be too difficult at work. Im now in a new relationship and pregnant. Can't give the new baby my name/ex's family name so will have to be DP name. This means i will have a diff name. Also plan to marry DP next year or there abouts but dont want my DD to be the only one with a diff name. She is very close to her dad so changing is not an option. Just need to accept as a name is just a label not a determinator.

PuppyMonkey · 16/05/2010 11:10

It's only names, why the heck does it matter at all?

I'm not married, DDs both have DP's name purely because it is more interesting than my really common one. It has never ever been an issue that they have different names to me.

On the other hand, if we ever did get married, I would keep my own surname as I have an "odd" Christian name (Irish parents) and it goes better with my very boring surname iyswim.

As I said, it's not important to me. It's just names.

Hedwig3 · 16/05/2010 17:24

I am married and we have children...

One person in a marriage changing their mame to the other's is SO WRONG!

Jumping down off soap box now

cktwo · 16/05/2010 17:39

I know someone whose dp won't get married so she has changed her surname by deed poll. I can't help feeling it's a little, um well....needy.
I don't really understand why a woman in 2010 would so easily shed her name.

TooManyChislers · 16/05/2010 17:43

I think men get everything these days. Their children get their sur names, they get the same rights as men who married their children's mothers...

none of this would matter if women didn't still routinely earn 75% of what men earned. Bringing up children is a team effort and sahm women who don't work leave themselves wide open.

I know.

I think the law should be that the child's sur name is the mother's sur name if the couple isn't married. That should be the default.

seeker · 16/05/2010 18:51

"I think men get everything these days. Their children get their sur names, they get the same rights as men who married their children's mothers..."

Why are you assuming that women want to be married, or that being married is preferable?

And children only get their father's last name if their mother gives it to them!

And with the rights come the responsibilities.

YellowDaffodil · 16/05/2010 19:06

Married but kept my maiden name. DD has DH surname.
Its never been an issue.

Seriously TooMany you think the law should decide a child's surname if the parents are unmarried. Yet a married couple can decide to use Dad's, Mum's or double barrel their name?

DH and I thought long and hard when we made this decision and I'm sure many others do to, married or not.

yama · 16/05/2010 19:20

Dd has my surname. Dh and I married last year and I am pregnant with dc2. Dc2 will probably have dh's surname.

In the future I may change dd's and my surname to dh's but we are quite happy bumbling along as we are for now.

tribpot · 16/05/2010 19:43

Another one who is married but never changed her name. Ds has dh's surname. Never bothered me - my mum remarried when I was 7 so I grew up having a different surname from her anyway. Dh gets called Mr Mysurname as often as I get called Mrs Hissurname I think - neither of us mind.

We were going to do what friends of my mum did, with male children having one surname and female the other (in their case it was male children take the female surname and female the male for complicated family reasons) but if there ever is another mini-trib I think it would be too complicated and I'd just give it dh's surname. Unless it is fathered by, for example, Brad Pitt

ninah · 16/05/2010 19:44

no I gave my dc my surname

RubysReturn · 16/05/2010 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChislersMummy · 16/05/2010 19:54

Seeker, obviously I'm not suggesting that marriage is the one true state. Hell no, I walked away in the end.

But high earning middle class women who argue this point forget about the majority of women who are badly paid. Marriage is a kind of contract, of course it is. It protects women. It used to protect men too but now they don't need to get married. They have all the fathers' rights and their children get their name anyway!

Hedwig3 · 16/05/2010 20:36

Why is a man's name more important than a woman's in 2010 married or not?

Why are women, therefore, still changing their surnames with no compromise?

Why is this discussion still necessary?

I would scream but my children are sleeping!

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