Opinions needed

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

FuzzyPuffling · 02/11/2025 13:36

Don't give this baby his surname, please.

Floam6 · 02/11/2025 13:36

Personally I think you are being very fair and he is in the wrong. Good luck!

GetToHeaven · 02/11/2025 13:39

I don’t think the baby should have his surname. If he would disown her over the name then I wouldn’t be at all confident in him sticking around.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 02/11/2025 13:40

You are off your rocker if YOUR dc gets a name that isn't yours.....

surprisebaby12 · 02/11/2025 13:41

The unreasonable thing here is not giving your baby your surname. You will be the primary carer so you need to double barrel at least, otherwise you’re at his mercy for the next 18 years for all kind of things.

If he threatens to disown the baby, honestly that’s probably for the best. A father who can walk away that easily will walk away. Don’t give away a huge part of the child’s identity to someone who is already threatening to walk away. Realistically he wants the name for his ego, not for the child’s benefit. Put yourself and your baby first, because he certainly won’t prioritise either of you ultimately.

All the best for your pregnancy and baby!

Traytors · 02/11/2025 13:44

His behaviour is awful and anyone who would disconnect their own child so easily does not get any further say.

I would be very wary of giving a child the last name of someone who may have v little to do with them in the future.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/11/2025 13:44

Sounds like the co-parenting journey is going to go well… I think you are being fair but it doesn’t sound like he’s the listening type. I would not be giving her his surname in any case, no way. He can ‘disown her’ all he likes, she’s still half his responsibility. Do make sure you go the CMS and ensure he at least pays something.

FrodoBiggins · 02/11/2025 13:44

He sounds like a cunt.

Would you disown your baby if you didn't like her name? Would you even threaten to? Even conceive of doing so?

He doesn't care about the baby as much as you do. His relationship with her is conditional on his bullshit idea of passing his name on, which even when you agreed to (why?) wasn't enough.

Read the story of the Judgement of Solomon.

Don't give your lovely daughter this waste of space's last name. You'll be raising her. She deserves to be named by the parent who loves her.

Silverbirchleaf · 02/11/2025 13:45

Is there a form of the middle name that is more acceptable?

Rosemary Rosalind Rosa Rose Rosie Rosalie

Emily Emma Emilia

Kate Catherine Kathryn Kathleen

etc

I think you should also use your surname as he has no commitment to your child already if he’s willing to flounce off at the first hurdle.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/11/2025 13:50

Unfortunately he sounds like a bit of an arrogant arse.
Either just your surname or double barrel. You are the one carrying this child. And it sounds like you will be parenting solo so your name in there will be easier for school, Dr appointments, travelling etc.
Both agree on a first name.
Middle name is important to you so use it. Could he have a choice of a second middle name?

GoldenRosebee · 02/11/2025 14:02

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 13:34

OPINIONS NEEDED PLEASE - I am expecting a baby girl, the father and I are no longer together but we have been trying to remain civil so we can co-parent. We are currently having the name debate. The women in my family have the same middle name (something that has been passed down through the years) so it is extremely important to me that the middle name tradition continues. The baby will not share the same surname as me as she will take her dads surname. He is refusing to allow the middle name because he doesnt like the name. My argument is, if he gets the surname as thats important to him then I should be allowed the middle name and we can agree on a first name together? I made the comment that if she cant have the middle name then why should she have his surname. He has said that if she does not have his surname he will disown her and never have anything to do with her. He told me he has asked everyone he knows and they have all said I am disgusting for what I said about her not having his surname if I cant have the middle name. Just wondering who thinks im in the wrong or if he is in the wrong for not compromising?

you're not unreasonable to push for certain middle name and you're not unreasonable to point he gets to choose surname.

but I would choose to be single parent, legally, because if he's behaving like this right now, he might go worse later. I would not give him parental rights, unless you're certain he isn't bad person. Whether or not baby got his surname, if he's named as parent, he can keep your child from traveling outside UK (assuming you're in UK) or demand child to be returned to his country of residence if it's not same as his child under international law.
I would seek legal advice, tho.

Original poster

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 14:04

Silverbirchleaf · 02/11/2025 13:45

Is there a form of the middle name that is more acceptable?

Rosemary Rosalind Rosa Rose Rosie Rosalie

Emily Emma Emilia

Kate Catherine Kathryn Kathleen

etc

I think you should also use your surname as he has no commitment to your child already if he’s willing to flounce off at the first hurdle.

The middle name i want is Rose. According to him its a non-travellers name and he doesnt want anyone to know she is not a full traveller as I am non-traveller. I have been told he is going to do everything he can to cover up the fact she is only half traveller

OP posts:

TheBlueHotel · 02/11/2025 14:11

What the actual fuck??
Why are you giving her his surname to start with? And Rose is a perfectly common traveller name as well as with non travellers. Gypsy Rose Lee anyone?? This whole argument is ridiculous and you're giving him way too much power. You hold all the cards here. He can't even register the baby with you if you don't want him to. Give her your surname with Rose plus his surname as a middle name if you want to be generous.

TheBlueHotel · 02/11/2025 14:12

He has said that if she does not have his surname he will disown her and never have anything to do with her

Good. Let him. He sounds dreadful and he's not going to be a decent dad so let him fuck off early - far better than doing it at a later date.

LetItGoHome · 02/11/2025 14:14

I would only ever give a baby the fathers surname if it were my surname too. Definitely not in a co parenting relationship.

To be honest he sounds pretty awful. I think you are right to encourage a relationship. But would register the baby on my own and give the name I want. I would take his opinion into consideration, but ultimately if we aren't in a relationship it would be my choice. Doesn't sound like he needs much of an excuse to dump his responsibility. I wouldn't count on him being around long.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/11/2025 14:15

Give the baby your surname as well as the middle name you like.

LolaBumble · 02/11/2025 14:15

Oh gosh. I think you are being very reasonable!!

Don’t let him use his involvement as emotional blackmail or to control you.

If he is threatening to disown her for not having his name then let him. He should not be speaking to you that way, you’re the mother of his child. You can’t depend on someone like that. If he wants to be involved then great, if not then you’re both better off without. You need to put yourself and your baby first.

BlueIndigoScarlet · 02/11/2025 14:15

My general view is that both parents get an absolute veto on names, if one parent doesn't like it, it’s off the table.

However I absolutely wouldnt be giving the baby the surname of someone who threatened to disown her in order to control me.

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 14:41

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 14:04

The middle name i want is Rose. According to him its a non-travellers name and he doesnt want anyone to know she is not a full traveller as I am non-traveller. I have been told he is going to do everything he can to cover up the fact she is only half traveller

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Well, as Traveller culture is oppressive to women, depriving them of education and financial independence, and with some deeply weird gendered beliefs, I think that the further you keep yku and your daughter away from it the better. Call your baby what yiu like. Give her your surname. A misogynist who is prepared to disown his unborn child unless he can brand her either his name like a dog pissing on a lamp post is almost certain no loss.

And, while I’m assuming it was an accidental pregnancy, I would be looking very closely at the mindset that meant you entered into a relationship with this man.

Original poster

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 14:47

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 14:41

Well, as Traveller culture is oppressive to women, depriving them of education and financial independence, and with some deeply weird gendered beliefs, I think that the further you keep yku and your daughter away from it the better. Call your baby what yiu like. Give her your surname. A misogynist who is prepared to disown his unborn child unless he can brand her either his name like a dog pissing on a lamp post is almost certain no loss.

And, while I’m assuming it was an accidental pregnancy, I would be looking very closely at the mindset that meant you entered into a relationship with this man.

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Yes this was not a planned birth. We were together for 10 years, a friend of mine said I was trauma bonded to him.

OP posts:

PeytonAP · 02/11/2025 14:47

What a throwback to the 20th century in his behavior

TheBlueHotel · 02/11/2025 14:54

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 14:47

Yes this was not a planned birth. We were together for 10 years, a friend of mine said I was trauma bonded to him.

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Has he been abusive to you throughout the relationship? Physically or emotionally? I really recommend you don't take him with you to register the birth so he doesn't get automatic PR and you get to choose her name in peace.

mathanxiety · 02/11/2025 15:02

Stop being nice to this jerk. It will only benefit him, not your baby, and it will lead to years of misery for you.

Give your baby your surname and the middle name you want.
Do not name him on the birth cert.

Your baby will be far better off without a man in her life who left her before she was born and is causing her mother grief during her pregnancy - and if your friend is correct (I suspect she is) he's been abusing you for a long time.

Do the Freedom Programme.
Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for details.

Do not give in to the threats of this man, and start believing YOU ARE ENOUGH for your baby.

This entire fight he's started is about testing how much control he can exert over you. Stand firm.

Original poster

ForTealHiker · 02/11/2025 15:11

TheBlueHotel · 02/11/2025 14:54

Has he been abusive to you throughout the relationship? Physically or emotionally? I really recommend you don't take him with you to register the birth so he doesn't get automatic PR and you get to choose her name in peace.

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He has never been physically abusive but has been very emotionally abusive over the years

OP posts:

FrodoBiggins · 02/11/2025 15:13

His being a traveller is basically irrelevant other than he's using it as an excuse to be a dick about the name.
The problem is he's been "very emotionally abusive" and yet you are bending over backwards to keep him in your daughter's life. Why? He'd drop her without a thought, and will.
Give her your last name and the lovely middle name Rose.