Opinions needed

[ForTealHiker]

OPINIONS NEEDED PLEASE - I am expecting a baby girl, the father and I are no longer together but we have been trying to remain civil so we can co-parent. We are currently having the name debate. The women in my family have the same middle name (something that has been passed down through the years) so it is extremely important to me that the middle name tradition continues. The baby will not share the same surname as me as she will take her dads surname. He is refusing to allow the middle name because he doesnt like the name. My argument is, if he gets the surname as thats important to him then I should be allowed the middle name and we can agree on a first name together? I made the comment that if she cant have the middle name then why should she have his surname. He has said that if she does not have his surname he will disown her and never have anything to do with her. He told me he has asked everyone he knows and they have all said I am disgusting for what I said about her not having his surname if I cant have the middle name. Just wondering who thinks im in the wrong or if he is in the wrong for not compromising?

Oh, OP. This isn’t about a name. I’d seek a good therapist as a matter of urgency and start to work on whatever aspects of yourself led to you spending a decade being abused, to ensure yku don’t go back to him. Imagine your daughter in a similar position, and what you would want for her.

Why on earth would you give your daughter the surname of an emotionally abusive man! Your daughter is your priority now. Her needs come first. You need to step up for her sake.

The baby will not share the same surname as me as she will take her dads surname.
Give the baby YOUR surname.

He is refusing to allow the middle name because he doesnt like the name.
Tough shit to him. It's your baby. Register the baby without him.

This.
I would also be tempted to text him about the middle name issue so you have it in writing that he would abandon his baby over her middle name. Might come in helpful one day if you need to explain to anyone why you didn't give her his name.

So the baby is going to have his Surname (although you've split up) and now he's barking out orders on her middle name. Why are you letting this man dictate to you. If you or any family member want to take her away on holidays abroad he'll have to give permission (if she's registered in his name, please think long and hard about it.

@ForTealHiker , Register a birth: Overview - GOV.UK.
Do not have him present at the registration.
Do not give him Parental Responsibility.Parental rights and responsibilities: What is parental responsibility? - GOV.UK

The father will probably not be around much.
Do you want to go through life as Ms Hiker and Babygirl Travler, or possibly Ms Hiker, Babygirl Travler and Babytwo Jones and Babythree Jones?

He can disown the child if he wants, but DNA will still provide the truth.
Call the baby the name you want and FGS give it your surname.

Don’t give the baby his surname-why are you doing that?

I hope you have some good support around you OP. If you are trauma bonded to your former partner then this will be hugely impacting on the decisions you are making about the baby. I don't want to give advice on the name as I have no idea what I would do in this situation, but you should look into the legal implications and how you honestly see the future panning out, and make the decision that is best for you and the baby.

Fuck him. You're not together so he has no say at all. Name your baby as you see fit and no way would I be using his surname either

Is moving Far Far Away an option?

Listen to the advice on here.
Give your child your surname.
One day you might meet a decent man, get married and have children. What surname will those children have? Then you have the real problem of your first child questioning why they have some random man’s name. One who they are most likely non contact with.
Give your child the family name of Rose too.
Tell your abusive ex that your child will be called Rose as a middle name and your surname. Book an appointment at the register office and tell him if he wants to come to be there. If he doesn't come just register her by yourself.
In all honesty he doesn't think enough of you to marry you.
He can claim to be as traditional as he wants, but seriously, if he was that traditional then he would not be fathering a child out of wedlock.
By what you have written, you and your child will be better off without him. Why would you choose to let your dd be around such a misogynist piece of dirt?

Do not give the child his surname. And use the family middle name. If he chooses to not see his daughter because of her name then that seems like a bonus to me.

Having read your updates I am alterng my response.

He sounds an abusive bully. He won't fight you for custody. That would mean actually making an effort. And you will probably not get any child maintenance out of him.

Give baby your surname only. Rose is a beautiful classic name. You want it, use it.
Massively reduce contact with him now.
Do not tell him when you are in labour or have just given birth. Give yourself some breathing space.

Register the baby on your own and then let him know she has been born. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like the name you have chosen. It will be you bringing up this child.

Protect yourself & your baby. He can demand all he wants. It doesn't mean you have to give in to him.

Take care @ForTealHiker . I hope you have some real life support to back you up.

I agree with those saying he’s abusive. I also recommend getting the baby registered without his name or his details on the BC.

Why did your DF say you were trauma bonded to him? Has he been abusive throughout the relationship?

Have you requested a disclosure under Clare’s Law? If you haven’t, I would recommend adking for one, now, before the baby is here.

And have you told your MW what you’re going through?

I agree with most previous posters here. Do not give the child his surname. And you are not being unreasonable about the family middle name - please use it.

You do not have to compromise for the father, no matter what has been previously said. You are also perfectly within your rights to change your mind and give the baby your surname. Please do not let him intimidate you about changing your mind or making your own choices. I hope you have/get some support.

How are you now @ForTealHiker?

Why on earth would you consider giving your baby the surname of your abuser?

Sounds like a controlling narcissistic moron. Give the baby your last name or double barrel it at the very least. If you can get away with it, don’t name him on the bc either. From the sounds of it, you’re dealing with someone who wants control, not a caring father. And yes honour your family name that’s been passed down, you’ll regret it if you don’t. It’ll be the start of you rebuilding yourself by the sounds of it. Stay strong.

I would just take him at his word and allow the 'disowning', if that's what he chooses. He doesn't sound like he would be positive influence on a girl growing up, as his viewpoint seems sexist/patriarchal. Just give her your name if he's digging his heels in.

DO NOT give your baby his surname, especially as he sounds like a complete arse.

To be blunt wake up and smell the coffee.
Do not give your child a surname other than your own.
Think about it. One day you might meet someone else and have a child with them. That child will not have your ex’s name will they?
How will you feel then? You might get married and both you and your dh share a babe and so will your other children but this child will always be left out.
Give the child your surname and the middle name you want.
If he doesn’t like it then register her without him.
Any parent who would disown a child over this is showing you their true colours.

"He has said that if she does not have his surname he will disown her and never have anything to do with her."

This is exactly why I would not give her his surname.

I know a traveller called Rose. This isn’t about the name, it’s about control.