Conflicted on baby’s surname

[ForBrickZebra]

So I am having my first child due in June 2025, I have recently separated from my child’s father and he is refusing to be involved if we aren’t a family. However I’m conflicted I am white my baby will be half English half Nigerian. I want to give them their dad’s name as well as mine because I think it’s important they feel close to their African roots and hertitage. I will be double barrelling the name so they have my last name too. I am however second guessing my decisions because their dad is completely absent, not attending appointments, not wanting to be involved, changed numbers, not asked about the pregnancy at all, probably won’t be at the labour or involved in his or her life. I feel this is a privilege to have your baby have your name and one he is currently undeserving of. If he isn’t involved I don’t want my baby to dislike there name because their dad wasn’t around and it’s a reminder of that but as I previously stated I also think it’s important they have connections to both sides of their families and cultures. Please give advice on what you would do and please be kind I never wanted this situation!

I would give my baby my surname.

Use dad’s name as a middle name if you really want to.

Don't give surname. Find a name from Nigerian culture which you like and use it as a middle.

do this.

Baby has Mum’s name. If the dad wants the baby to have his name he can marry the mum and they can all share the same name. I’d just give the fathers surname as a middle name and then in future the baby can choose whether or not to use it.

I don't think using the dad's name is going to be any kind of substitute for him actually being part of your child's life, sadly.

Use your name; he's opting out.

I would definitely not give his last name. I would pick a Nigerian middle name as some have said.

Yes this

Give the baby your surname.

I agree with previous posters. Use his surname as a middle name or even better choose another Nigerian name that you like as a middle.

This. Give your name as surname and his name as a middle name. This leaves the child free to use both if he or she wants. Mine grew up with both but dropped his.

Don't give your baby a surname of someone they're unlikely to have a consistent relationship with. Give them your name, as you will be a family. He won't even be on the BC unless you invite him to register and he agrees. I don't think you should do that either tbh.

You can tell them about their dad and find out about his heritage together later on.

100% give them your name. You can still tell them about their roots to make them fully aware and informed, but I absolutely would not be saddling them with the surname of a man who wants nothing to do with them. What a sorry excuse for a man. I am fairly sure your child will not want to share their surname when they are old enough to realise what a waste of space he is.

It can be quite complicated having a different surname to your child if the parent they share a surname with is absent in their life (for example, when taking them out of the country). Especially as you are a different race to your child, it could pose some awkward questions as you go through security if you are travelling alone with them and you don't share a surname.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your situation, it must be very difficult for you. You are clearly thinking about your child first and I'm sure you will be a wonderful mum. I agree definitely give them your name and if you want to give them a Nigerian middle name as others have suggested I think that would be a lovely first step to honour and connect them to their heritage.

This is a really good idea

I would do this, too!

Definitely don’t give the baby his surname.

For the baby to have the fathers surname, then the father has to be present when you register the baby. But I wouldn't do it if he's like that now. Definitely agree with pp about a name you like from Nigerian culture.

Actually you can use the father's surname if you wish - you can use any old surname. What you can't do is name the father if he is not present.

I agree with others - use just your surname, with either his / other Nigerian name as a middle name. Don't bother with double barrelling.

Pls don't feel you have to have this man in the delivery room with you, just because he is the father. The only people who should be there are those who will support you - Mum, sibling, friend. If the father has been distant, uninvolved he doesn't get an invite. In fact don't let him know you're in labour.

If he is staying in the UK - get that CMS claim ready to send the moment you give birth

That’s not true, in the UK you can give a baby any surname you like as long as it’s not deemed offensive.

You can name your baby whatever you like, including surname - but unless your baby's father is with you when you register the birth, as a non married woman you cannot record him as the father.
I would use his family name as a middle name. It may be important to your child to have a connection with their Nigerian heritage, even if their father isn't bothered.

Thank you for all the suggestions I definitely need to think on what to do but I think I’ll probably use his name as a middle as suggested and mine as legal surname!

I like the idea of using your surname and a meaningful Nigerian connection to the second name..
For the second name:
Father's surname
baby's Nigerian grandparent's name
Nigerian flower name

As someone who has my dad’s surname and he’s never been around fully - I hate my surname as I don’t feel associated to it at all. I have no idea why my mum decided on giving me his surname! I’m currently going through deedpoll to change my surname to my mums family name as that who I feel I am and have grown up around and been close to.
i wouldn’t give your baby the dads surname if he is not involved. I would use a Nigerian first name or middle name but I wouldn’t have it associated with a man who doesn’t want to be involved in your child’s life

Your surname

Pick a Nigerian name you like as a middle name

It would be bonkers to use his surname as he's not around, and as your child is not likely to feel kindly towards him, it's not really fair to saddle them with his name even as a middle name

Good luck. If he does turn up again, keep him very firmly at arms length - it probably won't be for long ans he will never be reliable

Baby has Mum’s name. If the dad wants the baby to have his name he can marry the mum and they can all share the same name.

Why should his name be the “family name”? fuck that.

My DC has a Nigerian (my tribe and language) first name, a Celtic middle name and our surnames double barrelled. I think it works well, but DH and I are happily married.

In your situation, I’d give the baby your last name and a Nigerian (from his specific tribe and language) first name.

I didn't change my name when I got married in the UK, and omg the outrage it caused among some people. 'Don't you want to be all the same name as a family?' Bizarre to me. Our daughter has DH name and I regret not adding mine as a middle. Interestingly, we now live in Belgium, and women do not change their surnames here when they get married. For my other expat friends, the fact that they did change their name has caused all sorts of issues for them when registering for an ID, and now, applying for citizenship.