Should I run the name past them?

[Kingofthetyrantlizards]

I lost my dad a few years ago, and have always thought since that I'd like to use his name as a boys middle name if I ever had a son. I'm now expecting a DS, and when talking to DH he said he really liked a shortened version of my dad's name as a first name, so suggested using my dad's name as a first name but calling him the shortened version. My dad also shortened his name but a different way, so they'd be known differently day to day iyswim. As an example think first name Albert, Dad was Bertie, baby will be Albie.

My dilemma is this - I have two sisters neither have kids, one's hinted that she doesn't want children and one does. Should I tell them I'm going to use dad's name? I genuinely wouldn't mind if either had boys and used it too - either as a first or middle name. But they might feel I'm stealing it from them? DH is also very keen on the idea of using it so would hate to have to say 'my sisters said no'. For what it's worth I think they'd be ok with it - as I'm pretty sure the sister who wants kids would use more modern names but it still feels like I'm taking the option away...

Wwyd?

I would just tell them you think you have decided on a baby name, then tell them the name. Usually if people are planning on using a relatives name it’s for a middle name anyway (like you were originally) so your sister could definitely still use the name.

Don’t tell anyone baby’s name until they are born. No one owns a name, you can call baby whatever you want.

You don't need to tell anyone.

I don’t think you need to run it by them. You’re the one who’s pregnant and they can’t reserve a name for children that don’t yet exist. They’re not having children yet and who’s to say they’ll have any boys if/when they do. Use whatever name you like.

So you tell them and one says I am going to call my future non-existent and may never happen child Albert so you cannot. What do you do?

Just use the name and announce it after he is born. Indeed say he is here he is Albert but we are using Albie.

Imagine if they said no and then used the name? Or if they say no does that veto it for everyone?

it’s your baby and only you and dh get to name them.

why would your sister have more of a say that the baby’s father?

and for context I lost my dad, i would use his name and I wouldn’t run it past my siblings.

Unless either one has told you they are pregnant then no you just tell them when baby is here and announce the name

The reality is that it depends on the feelings of the people involved.

We used a name that a family member felt we shouldn't have used and it has caused no end of problems, even though everyone else agrees that they are being unreasonable and not us.

My instinct is that you should use the name, because there's no guarantee that either of your sisters will have a son, or even that they would want to use the name if they do.

How would you feel if you ran it past them and they said, "No, please don't use it?"

Would you use it anyway and risk a family fallout? If so, don't run it past them. It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission if you are going to do it anyway.

If you didn't use the name, how would you feel if one of your sisters then used it for a future son? How would you feel if they didn't? Probably sad and a bit resentful in either case.

I think I'd only run it past your sisters if you think the likelihood is that they'll appreciate the courtesy but give you the thumbs up to use it anyway.

So what do you do if one of them does moms - change your name? No don't start that conversation

If you do give them a heads up (personally I don't think you need to prior to the birth, given that neither of them are currently pregnant) you tell them you're using it. Definitely don't ask permission. They don't get the chance to say no.

Nobody owns a name and tribute family names can be used multiple times in the same family. Your sister who apparently wants children can still use it as a middle name if she's blessed with a boy herself one day. She doesn't get to say no to you using it now, when she may never actually have a son of her own. She might just have girls or she might change her mind about having children completely. She may sadly struggle to conceive. There are too many ifs buts and maybes, she doesn't have the right to say no to you using it now. Bless you for being so considerate but, unless she's specifically expressed a desire to use your Dad's name for a potential future son who may not even ever exist, I don't think a heads up before the birth is necessary.

I think you should tell them.

Thanks all - seems pretty unanimous... I really don't think they'd have a problem with us using it so I might just go ahead, and only tell them if they ask directly.

Cross posted when I said unanimous. Can I ask why you think I should tell them?

I think the best way forward is to tell them in advance but make sure you word it so that you’re not asking them. So it’s not ‘would you mind’ it’s ’we’ve decided to’.

What you could do is start a casual conversation about how you're thinking a lot about names at the moment and see if they express any strong opinions. If your sister says she wants to name a future son after your dad you could say, "Oh, that's what we've decided to go with if our baby is a boy." (Especially if you haven't told them you're having a boy because it's a slightly softer blow than, "Well we're having a boy and that's the name we're using." It gives them a few months to get used to the idea that you might use that name.)

My sister was the first of the two of us to have our sons. She didn't announce his name until he was born but she gave him my dad's name as a middle name and honestly I thought it was just a lovely thing to do. I was delighted she had chosen to do that. I fell pregnant just after he was born and it was also a boy. It didn't cross my mind that we couldn't do the same and we even discussed doing that (my husband actually really liked his name when he doesn't like many names at all so would have given it as a first), however, we decided against it because it's a special name to me and I strangely felt like I'd need to find a name just as special to me for future children, which I didn't want.

I wouldn't ask their permission but I think it would be kind to tell them so they have time to get used to the idea before the baby is born, given it's likely to be an emotive subject for them.
I do think given the nature of the issue it would be nice if your DH approached it with sensitivity towards your sisters. If this were my family, I know my DH would very much be wanting myself and my dad's other children to be OK with the name before he would be considering his own preference. If you would like to ask your sisters for their blessing, your DH's reaction to being told no shouldn't be a barrier to that.

Don't tell anybody a baby's name until they are born and named.

Unless you actually want to give someone else the honour of naming your child, their name is your choice and your responsibility.

There is no such thing as 'stealing' someone's name. Cousins can have the same name, as can friends' children.

In case it’s sensitive for them. I’m sure they will think it’s a lovely idea, but just announcing the name when baby is born might provoke an unexpected reaction in them.

I think you should especially when using as a first name and not middle name. I was going to use Freddie (not real name) but shortly before a close relative called Frederick died. Two relatives told me that they didn’t know how they would feel and also that little Freddie might remind them of the loss of Frederick and make them feel sad. So I didn’t use it.

Agree especially when DF is no longer around

You don't have to tell them. You can't worry about someone else's potential future children that might not happen. My sister had the 1st baby and used my Dad's name as a middle name. No one cared she didn't ask.

This. Or everyone will have an opinion.

Nothing good comes from telling a name in advance. Everyone has an opinion and they don't often agree!

I think I’d probably give my sister the heads up, but quite soon before the baby was born, and more in a “wanted to tell you beforehand as it’s a special name to the family” way, rather than asking permission.