Should I run the name past them?

[Kingofthetyrantlizards]

I lost my dad a few years ago, and have always thought since that I'd like to use his name as a boys middle name if I ever had a son. I'm now expecting a DS, and when talking to DH he said he really liked a shortened version of my dad's name as a first name, so suggested using my dad's name as a first name but calling him the shortened version. My dad also shortened his name but a different way, so they'd be known differently day to day iyswim. As an example think first name Albert, Dad was Bertie, baby will be Albie.

My dilemma is this - I have two sisters neither have kids, one's hinted that she doesn't want children and one does. Should I tell them I'm going to use dad's name? I genuinely wouldn't mind if either had boys and used it too - either as a first or middle name. But they might feel I'm stealing it from them? DH is also very keen on the idea of using it so would hate to have to say 'my sisters said no'. For what it's worth I think they'd be ok with it - as I'm pretty sure the sister who wants kids would use more modern names but it still feels like I'm taking the option away...

Wwyd?

I don't think you need to tell your sisters because they may want to use it - first come first served.

You haven't mentioned your mum - if your parents were married when your dad died I'd give your mum a heads up. I know my mum would hate it if we used our dad's name and he was no longer the "Bob" in the family.

My sibling used my deceased parents name for my DN, didn’t find out until the birth announcement although I had wondered if they may use the name as either a first or middle name. I wasn’t upset and didn’t feel like the name was being ‘stolen,’ I felt happened my parent is being honoured in that way.

The only situation I would probably feel the need to discuss in advance is if one of your sisters was pregnant at the same time as you, if neither of them are likely to have kids soon then it’s fine.

Usually I advocate ‘don’t discuss names, tell them the baby’s name once born’, but in this case I would quietly give your sisters a heads up. Because they might feel quite emotional about it and you wouldn’t want that to be a negative thing for them on the birth of your baby.

Something like “We’re not discussing names with people in general but I wanted to let you two know that DH and I both love xxx as a name. We love it as a name, and it’s extra special that it was Dad’s name too. Just wanted to share that with you two and let you know in advance xxxx”

Thanks, I had thought about my mum (they were still married), but I'm pretty sure she'll be ok as to her my dad was always 'Bertie', so 'Albie' isn't him iyswim. But my Nan is still around - but again, I think she'll be emotional but also happy with it - the emotion will be that it's another thing her DS is missing.

I'd tell them tbh. If they find out in all the emotion of a new baby their reaction may be a bit muddled. Tell them a few weeks before you're due and they can separate out their feelings about the name and their feelings about the baby. It'll all be very highly charged otherwise.

I agree with this. From what you’ve said, OP, it sounds like your family will be happy. But I would probably give them the heads up in case using the name brings up some emotion for them.

Cousins can have the same name anyway.

But my Nan is still around - but again, I think she'll be emotional but also happy with it - the emotion will be that it's another thing her DS is missing.

That emotion will always be there, no matter what you name her son's grandchild.

The trouble with giving people a heads-up in this sort of situation, is that you imply that it might have some problematic aspects that they need to be prepared for. This does not. This is a joyous honouring of a beloved person. It does not detract from that person in any way. And it does not reserve that person's name, either.

Tell people that there's a negative and they'll believe you. Tell them that there's a positive and they'll believe you.

Use the name you want. The only reason you’d have to discuss it would be if a sibling were also currently pregnant with a boy. Reassure them after baby is born that you’d be fine if they also used the name of you feel the need to, but no need to bring up the conversation beforehand.

And say what? ‘I’m asking you for permission to call my baby after dad in case you might want to call your potential future babies after him’?

Don't tell them until you have named the baby.
If you tell them, and they say they want to use it, but in the end they don't, you'll feel cheated.

I am going to go against the grain and say I would 100% tell them and check out that it is ok with them. This is the sort of thing that can really hit a nerve and it's really not worth falling out with your sisters over a name IMO.

I personally would run it by them. Not in case they want to use it, but with a lost parent there is going to be a lot of emotions involved, and it could be very painful to hear the name day to day. However you're saying you're using a different diminutive so maybe that would not feel as jarring. I'd probably also talk to your mum if she's still here.

The other thing to think about is an honour name as a first name can be a lot to live up to for a child, rather than a middle name where it's a lovely tribute but they still have their own first name.

No, you don’t need to tell them - generally it’s first come first served, but with the expectation that as course they can use the name too if wanted.

Imo it’s lovely that you want to honour your Dad that way, and luckily if it’s a name with lots of diminutive choices, your sibling might still more easily be able to do the same if they want to (Dad is Bertie, your DS is Albie, your sister’s DS is Al etc).

The fact that you are planning to call him a different shortened version of your DFs name changes everything. I wouldn't mention it beforehand.

DH was in a similar position and we did tell his DM and DSis that we were thinking of using the name. Firstly, because I was worried that his DM might find it very painful to repeatedly hear the name and I wanted to be sure she was OK with it, and secondly to make sure his DSis didn't feel like she could never use the name. If she ever has a child (although now unlikely), we told her we were happy for her to use it as well if she wanted. They were both fine with it but in the end, we had two DDs so the name remains unused.

I would talk to them all now and tell your sisters you'd be happy for them to use it too if they wanted. Better to give everyone time now to get used to it. Not worth falling out with your sisters when you have a newborn.

Thanks all - some useful food for thought on both sides, I've still got a couple of months to go, so will continue to mull over all the good points made and see how I feel nearer the time. I'm meeting them and my mum for lunch in a few weeks before baby arrives so I wonder if it will come up naturally anyway.

I'd mention it and gauge reactions. Not so much to seek permission but to manage reactions.

Bro and SIL used my mum's name for their DD, no warning and it was a bit of an emotional shock for us all. We're all thrilled to have a wee one with mum's name now but wish we'd had a little heads up.

Do you want to use the name, OP? It seems like you were thinking of using it as a tribute name in the middle spot until your DH suggested it as a first name.

Trust me, never tell anyone your baby name plans. It invites trouble.