Did you keep your name choice secret til birth?

[JuniperGem]

Currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first, and thought we had settled on a name choice for our DS. My plan was to keep our name choice a secret until he was born to avoid any reactions or opinions but my husband accidentally let it slip to our friends last night. (“when xxx is older…”) He didn’t even realise until I gave him a look and our friend said “So, xxx?”

He felt (feels) really bad about it and immediately moved on saying “Uhh… pretend I didn’t say that” while I tried to cover by saying we were trying out names and this was the current one but might not be the final one… but… it is. Or at least it was. I feel really upset about it this morning and almost feel like changing it, especially because our friends didn’t react or say anything complimentary about the name. Maybe they just tried to follow his wishes and ignore it as if he didn’t say a name but I just feel like our choice has been spoiled now by the way it happened… It doesn’t feel special any more, it feels tainted.

I’m probably overreacting due to hormones and it’s still a good name. I guess I’m just looking for emotional support as I don’t want to further make my husband feel bad or guiltier than he already does by telling him how upset I am that it’s no longer our secret to announce in the way I had wanted.

Did anyone else plan to keep their name a secret but it didn’t work out that way? Xx

Slightly different, but my husband shared our thoughts on/shortlist of names to other family members when we were expecting our first. I was quite cross as I regarded it as private information! He didn’t do it again!

I would say ultimately try not to let it bother you. If you love the name, I wouldn’t change it for this. I think what you said was reasonable that you were just trying out the name, even if you are in fact fairly sure, it’s not set in stone yet.

I understand your feelings! But these things happen.
I think you should still keep the name.
About the friends not giving compliments, I agree with your thinking that your friends probably just tried to follow your wishes, since your husband said "pretend I didn't say that" and you said that your are trying out names.

Keep the name! It's a good name, that you both like.
The people you happened to tell are your friends! The name is not tainted because they have heard your husband say it once. Just don't say it to anyone else. It will be fine. Keep the name.

For me, the reason I don't tell so many people is more about keeping unsolicited opinions at bay, not about it being less special or not being able to do some grand announcement.

Our first name list is strictly private, but we told people our middle name options mostly as the middle names are family names. 30 weeks with number 2, I’ve given middle names but first names are off limit. I often reply with they are the same type of name as number 1. But we also keep them guessing as we the gender is a surprise.

WE didn't even know the name until birth. We didn't know the sex, so had a small shortlist for both sexes.

I don't understand the NEED some people have to have a name locked in before baby is born.

We told people our shortlist of names but in reality had picked one of the names.

bizarrely my mum said you can’t name a boy that name, however it was the name we had chosen and we loved it . We named our son that name. Years later my mum said she can’t imagine any other name suiting him.

Our experience was that we thought DC would be a boy. I had an amniocentesis. The results call came through on the office landline in the middle of the office. They asked if I wanted to know the gender, I said yes and they asked whether I thought it was a boy or a girl. So I said boy, the whole office picked up on this and knew before DH 🤣

After that I couldn’t see any point in keeping the name secret

You sound quite mad. Are you usually this melodramatic? Your baby’s name is not a magic, secret mantra that is ‘tainted’ by being spoken aloud before his birth. And surely, given that your DH immediately backtracked and told his friends to forget he’d said the name, they would have been unreasonable and a bit rude to start exclaiming ‘Bernard! What a gorgeous name! So underused!’

Did you also think whether the baby was a girl or a boy was some big secret you got to ‘announce’?

Gently, OP, your baby’s name, like his birth weight, merit a passing ‘That’s nice’ from pretty much everyone else. Name responses probably run a very small gamut from ‘That’s nice’ to ‘I went to school with a boy who had nits called Bernard’ to ‘My ex had a Pomeranian called Bernard’ to ‘Ugh’ or ‘You should have called him after Great-Uncle Nigel’.

Yes. Didn't want unsolicited opinions on them. People very unlikely to criticise name choice once it's already announced as baby's name. I did actually ask for some specific limited opinions on our proposed name choice for DC3 though but even that was after the birth and we settled on the name formally about a week after.

Your DH slipped up, he's only human. Your friends were respectful. You're being very dramatic.

Honestly no one really cares. We’ve shared the name we like, but it may change! People only ask as they think they’re meant to. It doesn’t matter to them one bit!!

honestly no one will really care as much as you and your husband.

I’d just relax about it….

I dont understand the need not to have a name locked in before the baby is born...

We are all different and have different wants and needs.

OP: you're hormonal and overreacting. But its ok, you're allowed to be - you are pregnant. Try and ignore it, the name hasnt changed its still the same

We kept both our kids' names, and their sex, quiet, mainly so as to not solicit unwanted opinion on them (both families quite vocal about such things...) but also in case we changed our mind on the name once they were born.

Particularly with names, it's a very subjective thing, and you just can't please everyone, and so it should be your choice. My mother in law made her opinion known with our daughter, ("it's a very plain name"🙄🤨) and my poor brother had my mum telling him she'd had sleepless nights over his choice for his son. (Ever the drama queen, but that's another story.)

They're now all much older and, guess what, it's all fine...

Nope, wasn't bothered about it being a secret. Didn't know the sex either time but was happy to let people know what boy and girl names we were pretty set on if they asked.

It's not that exciting to other people. If you've chosen something outlandish they might react negatively, if you've chosen a nice normal name then there's no particular reaction to expect.

I don't get all the secretness around baby names. It just seems daft and precious to me.

Sure people can have a downer on some baby names but so what? Actually someone pointed out something in a potential baby name that we had that would have had rude initials that we didn't spot , so thankfully that was avoided!

I didn't and people told me that I couldn't call a child that - I was talked down from that name and 20 years later still wish I had called him it.

After that I did keep it quiet, and then my niece who was pregnant at the same time announced she was calling her boy the name I had chosen, so I was then stuck for a name.

A few weeks before I was due I watched a Matthew Perry romcom, and that was where I got my name.

With DS2, I was keen on a name and discussed it with my mum,,,,,who then told everyone what the baby was going to be called, which was fine but I changed my mind - he now has that name as a middle name as I felt I had to keep it in there somewhere.

It's a tricky one

I don’t think it matters that much.

I find the birth announcement a lot more interesting when a friend/relative hasn’t shared the sex or name during pregnancy. I’ve known people who announce the sex and full name at 16 weeks pregnant so there’s not much to announce at birth other than the weight.

But really… I don’t think it’s a huge deal 🤷‍♀️

I did chat a bit to my parents about our name ideas, partly because they had a slight connection to something else and I wanted to sound them out about whether it was weird or not. But mostly because I absolutely trust them to be supportive of us and our choices and not have weird reactions etc.

Didn’t tell any wider circles name ideas but mostly because it’s generally a good idea to be confident in your own choice and not have a load of people saying “hmm that’s ok but actually I prefer Ethan” or “eugh I knew a weird David, don’t use that”.

But there’s no sense for yours that it’s tainted or not a good surprise any more - I agree that people were respecting the “pretend you didn’t hear that” part. If you are really worried ask someone you trust who is supportive of you what they think. Or dive into the vipers on here 😆. But I wouldn’t worry.

Yeah my DH did similar and it pissed me off too.

But I wouldn’t not name your child that as a result

We shared with immediate family as I wanted to take the risk and gauge their reaction. My in laws loved it. My family were not massive fans (apart from my lovely Dad who was very sweet and said he wished he had that name). The rest politely responded but didn't shower it with praise.

I was okay with that. Neutral to positive responses felt like a normal reaction to a name. You are never going to find a name that everyone loves.

It also doesn't matter when they arrive. They become the name and nobody will be able to think of them with a different name.

Don't let that neutral reaction put you off.

I remember talking to a colleague and she pursed her lips when I asked had she thought of a name (I had just shared ours) and said ‘oh I wouldn’t tell anyone that’. With the greatest of respect baby names only matter really to the parents and child, I think it’s lovely your dh already has it coming so naturally to say the baby’s name!

I think you’re overthinking it, but I also get why you feel a little disappointed that you haven’t had the Big Reveal when the baby is born.

But look on the positives. For the name to be disclosed (accidently), dh is subconsciously calling your child this name so it’s a name he must love.

Had happily settled on names for both sexes. DD arrived and we both looked at her and agreed nope, she's just not an XXXXXXX

So that was us back to the drawing board. The same may happen to you!

No it wasn't a secret.
But we didn't settle 100% before they were born.