Exclusion

[ThisCandidGoose]

There are so many thread of "It's up to the parents" regarding names and so it is, but this is a plea for consideration. We have a son in law from a different culture and our newly born grandchild has been given three names, two from his Indian culture and a name which is Greek in origin. We are a Celtic family and that tradition is present in all our names.
When my daughter told us the proposed name I pointed out that nothing represented our heritage. This was greeted with hysterics about spoiling her happiness in the name she had chosen. She did not offer to include another name and has gone ahead with her choice.
We are privately beyond upset. The feelings of being rejected run deep when we thought we had such a close loving family relationship. Of course we are getting on with it, but deep down we are devastated with sadness.

Wow, what assumptions. SIL “managed to wangle” 2 Indian names?! What if OP’s DD chose these?!

Not your child not your choice. I really urge you to become aware of appropriate boundaries or you won't see the child least name them!

I do get where you’re coming from re the cultural thing - so often on here it seems that the husband or partner’s culture (or even his parents or grandparents) is the one that determines the name, even though the child’s culture and the woman’s culture is 100% UK. That being said, hysteria and tears sounds a bit over the top and your correct reaction should have been ‘oh that’s lovely!’.

This is about more than a name. Perhaps reflect on why you feel this way.

Hopefully she did 🤞I was reading between the lines and trying to give OP the benefit of doubt that she wouldn’t be as upset if she really thought her DD was happy with having more names from her husband’s heritage than her “own” for baby.

It’s just I’ve been on mumsnet too long! 🤣and over the years there have been many threads on here about the husbands/partners wanting to have final say on both first/middle name - as well as baby having their surname too (which isn’t always Mum’s as well). Mum is expected to capitulate/compromise. Hopefully I’ve been too influenced by those and it isn’t the case here and the Grandmother is upset for little reason.

I'm in a mixed marriage and my DH comes from a culture where names are always after someone the parents admire so naturally grandparents names' tend to be the first choice.

We were criticised as our first DC was not given a first name after my in-law - although we did use grandparents' names on each side as their two middle names. This was our compromise as it was important to me they had their own first name while also honouring family - crucially on both sides, not just my DH's.

Maybe it's a similar situation where the name really is especially important in your SIL's culture and your DD doesn't really care either way.

And this is exactly why when we had our son we didn’t start/follow any family traditions as inevitably someone is upset at the choice and take offence.

Would it have been acceptable if they had just chosen names they liked not associated with any culture?

OP I think the parents of your grandchild might not have thought of it that way.

i mean Phoebe, Alexander etc are pretty common names of Greek origin. I didn’t think very much about matching the origin of my kids names with their heritage - we just chose stuff we liked. Your grandbaby is a little miracle and I’m sure that in no time their name will bring you happiness.

At least the baby's not going to be called Exclusion.

@ThisCandidGoose , you would have been better off not mentioning the cultures involved in your OP.

I tend to feel a bit when I read threads on here where the mum-to-be asks for suggested names from a different culture for her baby. It's usually the father's culture that gets priority.

It's not your baby, but I can see where you're coming from.

Oh grow up. My kids have Hebrew, Welsh and Greek names. We and all the grandparents are totally English. One grandparent was given a nod in one middle name but none of the others. So what.

Unless it's a racial slur or something, there is no appropriate response to being told a babies name other than how lovely.
You made it all about you and your heritage, while ignoring that the baby has different, mixed heritage. You had a choice to continue a tradition and chose to, your daughter had the same choice and chose not to. Both are equally valid choices but you don't get a vote in her parenting decisions.

It's a bit sad for you if you had your heart set on a Celtic name for your dgch but the parents didn't follow that tradition. But it's their choice, and you had no right to make a fuss. Maybe you were shocked at their choice, hence all the shouting? But anyway, you need to accept their decision.

My goodness, please grow up and stop being silly about this. Your judgment is not appropriate or required.

Your reaction does sound a bit bizarre. My husband is not English and our kids have names from his culture plus middle names from mine. Nobody has (outwardly, anyway) batted an eyelid.

That’s lovely @shoopshoopdedoo - and it’s exactly what the members of my family with mixed heritage did too (pick a name from each heritage for the first or middle name).

It's your daughters choice. It's nothing to do with you

I get how you feel. My nephew also has two Indian names. His first name had to be Indian according to my SIL's culture (totally fine, it's a lovely name) but mum and I were a bit sad they didn't choose to give him my dad's name as a middle name and instead picked another Indian one 🤷🏻‍♀️

The difference here is that we didn't say anything about it to them.

Both are reasonable and unreasonable.
you are reasonable to feel a bit left out when the other side of the family is represented (your feelings, you own them), daughter is reasonable to call her child as she wishes (her right).
you are unreasonable to expect anything. She is in getting ‘hysterical’ over it. She is a grown adult - why is she not capable of just saying calmly and maturely ‘sorry mum and dad, that’s what we’ve chosen’ and on. Hysterical? Seriously. Got form for being highly strung and immature?

Absolutely this.

Way to go to ruining any relationship you think you might have had with your dd.

She, and her dh, have chosen the names they want for their new baby. It is nothing to do with you and you, presumably had your turn to name your own dc. Now it is her turn.
Your role as a Grandparent is to be supportive, not to upset her.

Mind At least the baby's not going to be called Exclusion which was my first concern.

I know this isn't AIBU?, but you really are, and have made a very, very poor start to being a grandparent.

Not even sure if this post is genuine or not but, if it is, then i agree with others that this is a massive over reaction.

It's a name - and if your daughter and her husband love it then that's really all that matters. It's got nothing to do with you.

I understand a little flurry of disappointment since you are obviously proud of your heritage but this is way over the top and you should never have mentioned it to your daughter.

There are people leaving hospital without their babies and you are 'devastated' over a name.

Devastated with sadness???I'm sorry OP but you need to knock it off before you don't get to be a grandmother.

You seriously need to get a grip. Honestly!

Absolutely none of your business at all and you had zero right to make such silly and judgemental comments.

Apologise profusely to your daughter and respec her choice of name for HER baby.

Butt right out now.

What the fuck.

I think I understand the problem. Everyone has assumed you're a Celtic family, but you mean Celtic Football Club, and the rest of you are called Larsson, Lennon, Van Hooijdonk and Nakamura.

I expect your daughter just isn't that into football.

Or, you could stop making it about you, and have a proportionate reaction. For the avoidance of doubt, that's
"Such a lovely name. I can't wait to cuddle them"