Regret not putting maiden name is middle name

[PinkPomelo]

Hi.. I've never posted here before but need support. I didn't put my maiden name as a middle name for my daughter because it is a clear surname and I didn't want there to be confusion about her surname, especially as I plan to keep it in as my surname with my husbands (no hyphen). We've just got her passport and it's become so clear to my I wish I had 😭. I still think it would have been a bit annoying for her growing up but I feel sad I'm not in there. I'm really struggling to change my name to my husbands, but I feel like I have to now to be the same as my daughter. I think I could have just put my name as a middle and not changed my name and felt OK about it.

5 months pp and really over thinking it all. I could change it but she has an irish and a uk passport and it feels like a huge deal to do now.

Kind comments only please.

So many misogynistic assumptions underlying the responses to this thread, @PinkPomelo. I hope you'll overlook these.

Every action made by a pregnant or recently post-partum mum is not dictated by hormones. New mothers are not an irrational mass of unregulated hormones and are perfectly capable of making sane decisions. That you're married also does not mean relinquishing your own family name. If you're struggling to change your own name to that of your husband then the answer is quite simple: don't.

It's worth amending the paperwork to show your own name on your child's passport. I've had no issue with this personally, but judging by others' experience it helps to have your name on your child's passport if you need to leave the country without your partner.

My DH, I, and our DC all have different family names. DH has his, I have mine, and DC has the two, unhyphenated names. We are very much a family unit. Having my own identity doesn't make DH and me any less husband and wife, and DC knows exactly who his parents are.

You're not 'creating issues where there are none': if this is an issue, for you then it's an issue. It would be for me, too. What you will find, as indicated upthread, is that some women out there will go to every effort to put you back into what they see as your box.

Women's identities matter too. When we commit to one partner for life, we don't just 'disappear' - albeit patrilineal naming 'traditions' might make it seem so. The term 'maiden name', incidentally, is awful. Men simply have names which don't denote their sexual status.

The 1950s called - they want you back.

DH and I don’t share a surname <shock>
DD has my surname as a middle name <shock>

Have travelled around the world with her on my own since she was a tiny baby and never once had any issue with immigration. Only one place has ever confused her as having 2 surnames and that was very easily sorted by explaining (she’s a teenager now). She loves having a clear link to both sides of her family.

Add your name, OP. Your daughter deserves it.

I've read it repeatedly here. On a so-called 'support' site geared mainly toward women.

Nope. You can alter the original birth registration in the first year. No need for deeds.

Depends what the name is. My mother's maiden name was Stewart which is also obviously a boy's name. So I was given this as my middle name, as was the fashion is 1960s Scotland. All my life people asked what the S stood for and then said "But that's a boy's name".

I often used to pretend the S stood for Susan 😓.

Yes. Sadly I think there are some incel type men and trolls on here too. Can usually spot them because they make horrible comments.

I have 2 middle names, as does DD.

My sister has 4 middle names after my dad had a compete brain fart. Also not a problem.

Add your name, and just keep your own surname.

It’s not unusual or ‘hormonal’ to want your child to have your name, and it’s not unusual or hormonal not to want to give up your name that you were born with and have lived your life with.

Men generally pass on their names and decline to change their names on marriage without being declared unusual or hormonal.

Absolutely change it.

Change it - you won’t regret it 😊 All our children have 4 names - their first name, a middle name, my maiden surname as a middle name, DH’s surname which I also have. They love having both surnames to reflect the blending of both families.

Id prefer names followed the matrilineal line but will settle for this!

(Ignore the hormonal post btw - that’s just bonkers)

Thanks everyone. It's good to talk it out. Has anyone changed a birth certificate like this? My husband says he'll support me but can't be bothered changing the passports right now. We just had a drama getting them as it is. Irish one isn't even here yet! Can we really just deal with that in 5 years when up for renewal?

Does anyone know if the new birth certificate will say the old name?

@PinkPomelo I think the problem arose because the registration form just had a space for "full name" so we put all four of her names down. Two are clearly "first names" while the others definitely look like "surnames", so it wasn't a crazy assumption, just a badly designed form.

@theduchessofspork do you know that for a fact or have you tried? The UK one seems easy just send the birth certificate but nothing clear on the Irish one. It was a paper application (a faff).

There’s a UK passport advice line - 0300 222 0000. The Irish embassy could give you all the relevant information.

If it is going to be a bit of a faff and you’ve got a holiday abroad already booked then just change the name when you come back and deal with changing the name on the passports then. Or if you’re travelling on the UK passports change that now and set the process in motion for the Irish one.