Double barrel or wife's surname?

[sweetpotato29]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in a few months. When we married 3 years ago I kept my surname and he kept his. I have a fairly unusual but 'cool' surname which I've always loved. My first name is not feminine & very short so I feel like it works well as a surname to go with it.

My DH will be the first to admit he does not have a nice surname, he's always hated it and it really is quite an unpleasant name. Think 'Wart'. My first name coupled with his surname was so awful and I just really love my surname so was not willing to change it. He really didn't care & was happy for me to keep it.

Now little baby is on the way I really don't know what to do. We're either thinking of double barrelling (my name-his name) or he said he would be happy to take my name even. But I'm just stressing over it all tbh. We think his family, especially his dad and uncles will be put out either way as they are quite proud of their name. All our cards are always addressed 'mr & Mrs his name' even though I've said I've kept mine. I think I'm just worried about what people will think if it's just mine. If we double barrel I'm worried about it being long & annoying as you often have to spell mine out anyway when you speak it. What to do?!

If he's happy to take yours and they don't double barrel well you've answered the question.
FWIW we both double barrelled when we got married, but only DH was ever questioned as to why.

Your DH is happy to take yours. You want to keep yours. You prefer yours.

Seems like a no brainer to me!

Don't give your child a name you don't like, that your DH isn't pushing for, just because you think other people might judge you.

It's madness to base such a big decision on fear of the judgement of people keen who have an outdated and sexist point of view.

And congrats on your little one

If you are both happy with taking your name then go for it! Do what you feel is right for your family.

DH and I both kept our own names and DS is double barrelled.

We think his family, especially his dad and uncles will be put out either way as they are quite proud of their name.

So what? Do you get a say in what they call themselves? Or how they name(d) their kids? No. As that would be crazy, right?

I think you should stop worrying about the opinions of people who aren’t in your relationship and do what works for you.

Yours is better. His is similar to wart. He said he will take yours. I dont get the issue? Give the baby yours.

also, why would his family even need to know surnames? I bet most of my relatives wouldnt have a clue what mine is. My mum picked me up from an operation years ago and was sent away from the ward because the name she asked for wasnt a patient. Good job i was awake and heard her voice!

I am imagining what it will be - Blister-Bowie. Ulcer-Shakespeare. Lennon-Mole.

Mind boggles!

If your name is cool and your DH's is awful, give the children YOUR surname @sweetpotato29

Give the baby yours. I regret not keeping my surname, and not using it for the kids. but the kids have Hs surname so I don’t really want to be different from them. Don’t let peoples opinions change what you want. They’ll get over it. It’s you guys that have to live with it

Honestly, your DH doesn’t care and I’m sure your children will thank you for being rescued from being Lydia and Caspar Trout - or whatever.

Not liking their surname, or even just preferring their DH’s surname, is a very common reason women give for changing their names on marriage.

So what’s the big deal for your DH doing the same?

I realise that sexist tradition and small mindedness mean that it won’t be seen as the same and he will meet with stupid comments, but it won’t go on for ever.

All take your surname and enjoy it.

Why give your baby a warty name?

I double barreled Dd's name as I thought it was important she had both mine and her dad's despite us not being together. Now she's a teen it just frustrates her as her name is so long (14 letters in her surname + 8 in her forename + another 6 for her middle name).

She joke/ commented the other day that she'll fail her GCSEs as everyone will have finished their paper and she'll still be writing her name 🤣 so it obviously bothers her. So total name length is worth keeping in mind.

Just give the baby yours if that's what you want to do. Wouldn't think twice if baby took just dad's last name so why should just taking yours be any different?

Both take your name and everyone will be happy.
The older generation will not be around to be unhappy when your little one is having their own kids.

I wouldn’t ever want a different last name to my children. Give the baby your name and your husband can take that name too if he wants. It doesn’t matter what his family think, it’s none of their business.

My DH took my name and the kids have my (our) name.
I don’t see what the problem is. If his family have a problem that is indeed their problem. Not yours.
Good grief.

All take your name. I kept my name when I married and DH kept his. They are both fine names, nothing out of the ordinary, think Jones and hargreaves. When DS was born we kept our names and gave him Hargreaves-Jones as a double barrel. Sounds fine on paper but NO ONE can seem to grasp it. Including family. They send me letters with DH’s name on or the double barrel or ask me with exasperation ‘what’s your name this week?!’ (It’s been the same for 30 years Jan…). It’s very annoying and I find the double barrel a bit of a faff. I wish we had all just taken one name now

What happens when 2 double barreled people get together ? Does it become quad barreled

It's a no brainer. DH changes to your surname as he has offered to do and baby is given your surname. Problem solved.

What, exactly, is the issue? Why would you inflict a name that you admit is awful on your child? If DH's older relatives don't like your solution it then ignore them. Their problem. They'll live.

Thanks all, this is really helpful and it looks like the consensus is pretty much all to keep mine so far...

I think I feel weirdly insecure/guilty about it because it's not traditional for a man/the family to take a woman's surname. I feel like people will think I bullied him into it, or I'm really controlling. or mean to refuse to use his name. All my own issues I know... but they are there. I know I shouldn't worry what other people think, easier said than done though!

Haha this did make me chuckle 😂 you're not far off tbf!

Well I was thinking of marriages as time passed 2 people marry and become a quad barreled name, then after 20 years the child with quad barreled name marries another double barreled they have a 6 barreled name and so on.

We did the exact same as you, and have found that people just double barrel all of us. Often the wrong way round, as well. 🤣

Someone always asks this on these threads.

In cultures where the double barrel is traditional (Spanish speaking countries, for example), each parent passes one name (their choice) onto their child. So, for example (and using v Anglo names), Sarah Johnson Green has a child with Richard Brown Smythe, said child is Amanda Johnson Smythe. They’ve been doing this for over a thousand years quite successfully, I believe.

However, in this context, the double barrelled kids can do as they please. They can do the above, or go with one set of names, or pick an entirely new one. They could, indeed, quadruple barrel. However, as poshos have been double barrelling in the U.K. for generations and there are still fewer than a dozen quadruple barrelled people in this country, I think it’s safe to say that’s not generally what people choose to do.

Just don't tell the grandad that his new dgc doesn't have his name. It will come up eventually but ot doesn't have to be a big deal. When it does come up just shrug it off. If he says it's tradition say the world moved on. End of.

Yes, that’s exactly what will happen and I fully expect my great grandchildren to have 16 surnames.

Or they will do exactly what their parents did , think about it and come to their own decision about their own and kids’ names.

OP: tell any such relatives that you tossed a coin and your name was the result.