Double barrel or wife's surname?

[sweetpotato29]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in a few months. When we married 3 years ago I kept my surname and he kept his. I have a fairly unusual but 'cool' surname which I've always loved. My first name is not feminine & very short so I feel like it works well as a surname to go with it.

My DH will be the first to admit he does not have a nice surname, he's always hated it and it really is quite an unpleasant name. Think 'Wart'. My first name coupled with his surname was so awful and I just really love my surname so was not willing to change it. He really didn't care & was happy for me to keep it.

Now little baby is on the way I really don't know what to do. We're either thinking of double barrelling (my name-his name) or he said he would be happy to take my name even. But I'm just stressing over it all tbh. We think his family, especially his dad and uncles will be put out either way as they are quite proud of their name. All our cards are always addressed 'mr & Mrs his name' even though I've said I've kept mine. I think I'm just worried about what people will think if it's just mine. If we double barrel I'm worried about it being long & annoying as you often have to spell mine out anyway when you speak it. What to do?!

They will just make a choice that suits them like every other couple do.

DS has a double barrelled name and he might just keep his name or he might drop one and also take one of his partner's names or maybe his partner/a name from DS will be used as a middle name and they just go back to one last name.

Or a complete made up new last name.

Or maybe he won't want to get married.

Plenty of choices.

I would just use yours

But if it’s going to cause family strife, double barrel them and use yours for day to day (you can just let that evolve for the grandparents rather than Make A Statement..)

I knew a woman who kept her name, which was McDonald - she married a bloke called Pickle. They used Pickle for the kids, can you imagine 🤯

Don’t be ridiculous

people will just choose which bits of the name/s to pass on when they have kids

Completely this

Yours. I have a cool surname and my ex has a ‘funny’ surname. I stupidly get him give the kids his surname - last of the line and all that 🙄They don’t mind it but I still find it jarring after all these years.

I had an awful surname and dh has BBC a cool one. I chose to take dh surname. But I firmly believe the child should have the mother's surname. So I would give your child your name. Then if your dh is happy he can change his name (or keep it)

I’m in the same boat OP but not yet married, we have decided the baby will take my surname and so will DP once we’re married as mine is the better surname! It doesn’t matter what other people think, do what works for you!

Do yours! I have an awful surname but DP’s is lovely so our children have his surname and that’s the only reason.

Just to update on this, DH had a chat with his Dad and casually brought it up. It became clear that he would be very upset if the name got dropped completely and now DH is not comfortable to drop it & have it affect their relationship. Looks like we are double barrelling! It is a shame, but I don't feel comfortable to force the issue.

@sweetpotato29 I totally respect that.
But I wonder... why so many women just drop their last name upon marriage without anyone giving it a second thought?

Could you have "His Name" as a middle name? So you get something like

John HisName YourName

In my head you are Mr Boyle and Ms Dove!

I'd be tempted to all use yours and not make a deal of telling his family. If they insist on posting to Mr and Mrs HisName anyway, they'll continue to do so whether you tell them or not so why do they need telling?

Put the father's surname as the first of the double-barrelled surname or as a middle name.

Something like Oliver/Olivia Boyle Lancing so that the Boyle can be dropped in daily life.

Not saying this is right but society is more used to the child getting the man’s name then if you only went with yours then there will be times when people assume that your husband is not actually the father (don’t know if that will be a big deal or not).

that being said I had a double barrelled surname (each of my parents) and found it very annoying so don’t think that’s the solution either and it’s not right that you shouldn’t be able to pass yours on.

so basically I am no help and don’t think there is any one answer that actually gets it right.

For the double barrel you have the choice of hyphenating or not. If hyphenated you have to legally always use both names together.
if not hyphenated then you can choose to use both together or just one (either or).

I’m not married so slightly different but it was never even a consideration that the kids wouldn’t have my surname. As others have said DH doesn’t mind then it doesn’t matter. My oh could not care less. It has not impacted us or the kids at all (once going through passport control as daughter tried to go through with dad and they wouldn’t let him (I was in a different queue)so now we go through together).
If other people think it’s weird that on them and they will get over it when someone else to moan about comes along.
I think it’s weird that mums automatically give their children the dads name.

also important to consider that if the kids have his name then throughout their school life you’ll be known as the ‘wart’ family. 🙈😂😂

So much of this would be avoided if so many women didn't just "blindly" change their last name upon marriage!

My husband double-barrelled his so mine then his because he wanted us all to have the same name, also it is creating our new family. It is up you and your husband what you would like to do, do not worry about family opinion.

Please do not feel like this for a minute. I don't know anyone who has taken their husband's surname, they've either just kept theirs (which I've done) or double barreled. It's so bizarre to just default to losing your own name. You've answered your own question - husband takes yours and you give it to the baby. Who cares what others think. I feel a bit sorry for kids with long double barreled surnames. Our upcoming baby is having DH surname, and my surname as middle name, because his surname is far more interesting and it's very local to where we live. If it really matters, why not put DH surname as a middle name, so it's represented.

Not traditional in this country.... commonplace in others though.
He can always change his surname to yours if want to have a family name.

@Catopia Agreed.
I didn't lose my family name when I married DH and remained a Ms.
I'm too old to care what others think! In fact, if they think I'm an independent (and/or stubborn) woman challenging the patriarchy then bingo - they've got it in one!!

Rather than double barrel could you use DH's surname as the middle name but not tell your in laws and let them think it's a double barrel? Sneaky and you might get caught out but I'd be tempted

This

Both take yours for sure.