Name dilemma… could I even consider using this name combination?

[Babycoming24]

My friend has two children, one of which was very sadly born sleeping this time last year.

The name I love for my child (due in 3 weeks) happens to form a very similar name to my friend’s two children's names when combined. One of the two names is basically the opposite sex’s version of one of her child’s names (think Michael and Michaela) and the second name is the exact name of her other child.

The fact i’m even writing this probably suggests I already know but, is it at all appropriate for me to use the first and middle name combination that I love, considering this situation?

Please be honest but also kind!xx

Are you talking about a first and middle name scenario (John Paul Smith) or a double first name (John-Paul Smith)? Or the combined name Johnpaul Smith?

I wouldn’t use a close or exact name of a baby born sleeping as all or part of a first name, but might as a middle name. I’d want to speak to my friend about it first. She might be ok with it and see it as honouring her child in a way, but I couldn’t use it if she was unhappy.

Normally, I'm of the "noone owns a name" brigade.
However, if your proposed first name of your baby is the same as, or a version of, her baby born sleeping I think you would loose the friendship if you used it.
Middle name, especially if the variant, is more up for discussion

I think using the other gender name of her living child would be fine, but using the name of her dead child would not.

I think it would be very odd and disturbing if you effectively named your child after her two children inc one who was sadly still born, anyone who knows you both would be deeply disturbed by it.

just To add,of all the millions of names available, to effectively want the two your friend used, is all kinds of odd.

I would definitely choose a different name. The name is literally the only thing she has for her little one who was born sleeping and choosing a name which is basically both her children's names combined would be incredibly unkind. I'm sure there's plenty of others you could choose.

You'd lose the friendship, realistically.

And it'd look pretty odd to outsiders that you'd named your child the combination of your friend's children's names.

No-one owns a name, but this seems a bit brutal, and I think you'd need to do it with your eyes open. It'd likely make it far too painful for your friend to be around your baby, and I'd be surprised if the friendship survived.

I’m not sure why you would do that.

You need to find another name OR accept friendship will be over.

No!

Thank you everyone. I think this settles it for me. Just for clarity, I would never consider her baby’s name as a first name for my child. I should have made that more obvious xx

I'd choose another name . I'm also of the 'No one owns a name ' school of thought but I think in this case it wouldn't be wise .

I would speak to your friend, and sound her out, but it does seem lacking in imagination and a bit off that you can't come up with different names. I think the same middle name is OK, but not first name.

No, I don't think it is ok to use that combo, sorry.

I think I would find it very strange and insensitive if you used both my living child(a)+ stillborn's names as your child's.

I know people don't own names etc but this is very close to the bone and we don't live in a vacuum.

'Michaela' fine if you really love it but not both or the middle name.

Is it something like:
Your friend had twins, John and Michaela, but John was not born alive.
You want to name your child Michael John.?

I wouldn't risk 'sounding your friend out' it might really upset her .

No you can't use either of these names if you want to keep your friend
Both of the names would bring back terrible memories for her
I wouldn't use any form of her living child's name either, although a different sex, it's still too close to home
Maybe post the name and ask for similar if you really can't think of any
NC and new post

If it’s not an obvious family name (eg naming your child after your mum or dad which might be understandable for your friend) I think you need to do the decent thing here if it’s just a name you like. No one has the right to a name but it would be really insensitive here and your friendship wouldn’t be likely to survive.

Maybe post the name and see if anyone can suggest something similar that you love too

I think using it as a middle name would be very insensitive. You would be causing her so much hurt and pain over a name that will hardly ever get used, it just doesn't seem worth it at all.

On second thoughts I would probably leave the female version of her living child's name alone too if it's a good friend. Could bring up some really hard emotions. Probably better to think of something else all round.

Is the situation that your friend has two children called Rosa and Lee and you want to call your baby Rosalie? Or that you want to call your child Rosa Leigh?

I’d find it odd if both of your friends children were alive. Constantly having to hear both of her children’s name together, when her baby died - so she won’t be referring to her children together- seems cruel. Especially if the child who died is the first name you want to use. I wouldn’t use that name, even without the connection to the siblings name.

Agree with everyone else, don't do it. It would be too painful for her, you would lose the friendship.

I also agree with everyone else.

I think it's fine for cousins to have the same name etc but this is just not OK.

Millions of other names you could use. She's your friend and it must have been hell for her. Don't hurt her more. Pick other names.