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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Surname issue

49 replies

Zebed31 · 11/09/2023 17:19

Hi all,
Expecting my first baby very very soon. My partner (not married) is being huffy about surnames as he wants the baby to have his surname. I’ve explained to him that although I see his POV we are not married (we’re planning on getting married at some point but it’s not ok the cards for the next year or two).

I want to either give the baby my surname or double barrell - the double barrell sounds fine and although I’m usually not keen on this approach to me it’s a fair compromise.

He continues to be huffy and can’t see why I don’t want a different surname to my own child. His argument is if the baby has my surname, we’re going to have to change it when we get married. To me that’s a lot of ifs and buts and maybes, but we have been together for almost 11 years and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I also think that if the baby has his surname there’s no incentive for us to marry, but then I think is that me holding him to ransom?

What would you do? Am not being unfair? The crux of this is I just don’t want a different surname to my baby, but I may just be hormonal!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

dementedpixie · 11/09/2023 17:22

Yours or double barrell
He could always change his to match yours!

Velvian · 11/09/2023 17:24

You are right to put your foot down. Women often lose a lot of power in pregnancy, birth and motherhood, it is madness to compound that by willingly giving away the only power that you do have. You need some power in the relationship.

If you both want to marry, book a registry office wedding before the birth.

You are also supposed to re-register your child after getting married anyway, regardless of a name change.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2023 17:26

Just from the little you've said, your relationship doesn't sound that great, honestly. I wouldn't even consider giving the baby his name.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 11/09/2023 17:27

He doesn't get to be huffy. It's double barrelled or yours only.
I know so many women that didn't on the promise of future marriage and it never happened, they're now gutted about it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/09/2023 17:28

Yours.

If he wanted to share a name with his child he should have shared his name with you. It's been 11 years, he's not planning on marriage.

ScarlettSunset · 11/09/2023 17:28

Give the baby your surname.
At the very worst double barrel the name. Don't give the baby a name that has no connection to yours.

Dinosaurus86 · 11/09/2023 17:31

We double-barrelled - it was that or mine. Though he said he didn’t mind either way and we are getting married now. I am not changing my name though! So getting married further down the line isn’t a reason to give the baby his name…

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/09/2023 17:31

Don't let him pull the 'hormonal' card either. It's sexist bullying.

Precipice · 11/09/2023 17:36

His argument is if the baby has my surname, we’re going to have to change it when we get married. If, OP. If. There are two ifs here: if you get married and if you change your surname. Neither are inevitabilities.

You're right to give either your surname or to double-barrell as a compromise.

He's being entitled to think the child should have his surname. You're going through 9 months of pregnancy and you'll have to go through childbirth. His contribution to the pregnancy was only a short one at the time of conception. It's just patriarchal and sexist nonsense. He /can/ share a surname with the child, since you're happy double-barrelling; he doesn't want that - he wants to exclude your surname and your side of the family altogether.

Original poster

Zebed31 · 11/09/2023 17:37

Thanks all, I’ll be sticking to my guns on this one

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 11/09/2023 18:54

Him acting like this is a massive red flag. If he wasn't being a dick over the double barrelling it would be fine, but given his attitude I would give the baby your name and invite him to change his name to match yours if you ever get married.

If you don't already have your wedding booked then there's a good chance it won't happen because life gets in the way, you've got a baby and then you'll probably have another baby and there will always be something more urgent to spend your money on and you risk finding yourself 10 years down the line, still not married and potentially splitting up.

Give your baby your surname, and don't give up work or go part time.

MerryChristmasToYou · 11/09/2023 21:03

Yours. You might not want to hurt his feelings but he might not want to marry you.

Should you end up splitting from him, and have another child you'll be glad you gave your first child your surname.

GCWorkNightmare · 11/09/2023 21:10

So any threads like this.

His argument is if the baby has my surname, we’re going to have to change it when we get married.

he can change his name to yours if you marry. No? Wonder why. Tiny little —prick— ego.

(I am married and had been for a long time before DD came along. we both kept our names and DD has mine with his as a second middle name. I grew her, I fed her for the first year. Why the fuck should she not share my name???.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 11/09/2023 21:10

Even if you get married, it's fairly normal for women to keep their surnames these days.

MerryChristmasToYou · 11/09/2023 21:16

There are so many threads on here about how when a baby arrives and the mother is at home on ML she ends up doing most of the housework and parenting and the father does jack shit.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/09/2023 21:20

He has had 11 years to pull out his thumb and marry you, he can huff all he likes, baby should have your name.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 11/09/2023 21:21

I gave my OH the choice of mine or double barreled. He called double barreled surnames tacky, ridiculous, lower class etc etc but guess what? When push came to shove he decided it was a better alternative than my surname only. We've since married but not changed DC's surname.

Hedonism · 11/09/2023 21:31

Traditionally a baby would take the mother's surname. Back in the day the mother would usually be married to the father and would already have taken his surname, so it would be the same as his, but via the mother.

The baby will have your surname in hospital anyway when it is born, or at least that was the case a few years ago.

JobMatch3000 · 11/09/2023 21:32

Yours.
His as a second middle name.

TeamSleep · 11/09/2023 21:32

In your situation I would 100 percent use my surname. If you do get married and want to take his surname you can change your child’s surname at the same time as you change yours.

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:35

I have a different surname to my child. Why is it an issue? I personally didn't want to mess around with my child's birth certificate and put them through the confusion of changing names. It causes a lot of issues. My line of work completely excludes anyone who has had a name change for any reason other than for marriage.

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:37

Velvian · 11/09/2023 17:24

If you both want to marry, book a registry office wedding before the birth.

You are also supposed to re-register your child after getting married anyway, regardless of a name change.

It's not about the mother it's about the CHILD! What's best for them. How is changing their child's surname later on (if they get married) best for the child? It causes so many issues for the child once they become an adult and they have a different surname than the one they were registered to.

Riverlee · 11/09/2023 21:37

This is one of those situations whereby both of you have a valid point, you want the baby to have your name, and he wants the baby to:have his name.

Double barrelled, or using one as a middle name seems the obvious way forward. You’ve just got to decide which name goes first…

MerryChristmasToYou · 11/09/2023 21:41

@ParentingSolo , quite a lot of adults have a different surname to their birth surname.
You need a legal document showing the name change.
Costs about £10 to change the child's surname when the parents get married. (Might have gone up)

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:43

I think a lot of people forget that the baby is 50% the fathers and therefore, he has 50% of the day on this. It's not your guns to stick to OP. You need to both agree on an outcome.
My child has a different surname (my OH is no longer with us unfortunately and DC took his surname). Him not being around is irrelevant to the fact that my DC having a different surname has caused zero issues so far. In fact I'm glad about it, now that OH has gone. That's my DC's identity and I have my own identity. Still my child! A DC doesn't need to have their DM's surname in order to be your child

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