Page 2 | Surname issue

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WimpoleHat · 11/09/2023 21:44

The crux of this is I just don’t want a different surname to my baby

Stick to your guns on this. And I say that as someone who’s a Mrs DH’s Surname. But no way on earth would I have had a different name from my kids.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/09/2023 21:44

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:37

It's not about the mother it's about the CHILD! What's best for them. How is changing their child's surname later on (if they get married) best for the child? It causes so many issues for the child once they become an adult and they have a different surname than the one they were registered to.

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I've had three legal name changes during my childhood and apart from having aka on my passports and marriage certificate it hasn't hindered or caused stress in any which way.

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:45

MerryChristmasToYou · 11/09/2023 21:41

@ParentingSolo , quite a lot of adults have a different surname to their birth surname.
You need a legal document showing the name change.
Costs about £10 to change the child's surname when the parents get married. (Might have gone up)

Edited

I'm well aware of this. I didn't ask for costs? I said that in my industry, anyone who has had a name change (other than by marriage), is excluded.

MerryChristmasToYou · 11/09/2023 21:49

Righty ho.

Dobbyismostaggrievedsir · 11/09/2023 21:49

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:37

It's not about the mother it's about the CHILD! What's best for them. How is changing their child's surname later on (if they get married) best for the child? It causes so many issues for the child once they become an adult and they have a different surname than the one they were registered to.

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You are supposed to re register the child when the birth parents marry. It is very out dated, but it legitimizes the child. It is related to rules around inheritance. My eldest son was registered twice because his Dad and I got married when he was a year old. This had no impact on his name. He just received a new birth certificate.

GCWorkNightmare · 11/09/2023 22:01

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:43

I think a lot of people forget that the baby is 50% the fathers and therefore, he has 50% of the day on this. It's not your guns to stick to OP. You need to both agree on an outcome.
My child has a different surname (my OH is no longer with us unfortunately and DC took his surname). Him not being around is irrelevant to the fact that my DC having a different surname has caused zero issues so far. In fact I'm glad about it, now that OH has gone. That's my DC's identity and I have my own identity. Still my child! A DC doesn't need to have their DM's surname in order to be your child

It’s the mother that grows the baby and takes the risk of injury/death during labour. Dad’s input to growing the baby is pretty minimal/risk free. Fuck 50/50.

Velvian · 11/09/2023 22:39

@ParentingSolo , fathers in this country routinely future fake, manipulate, leave their children, go out of their way to avoid financially supporting their children. Mothers routinely give up their bodies, careers, freedom and names as an act of kindness and misplaced duty to men they are not married to.

Women need to start protecting their own interests a lot better. Family stability will improve for it. Men will have more respect for women for it.

peaceinourtime · 13/09/2023 01:59

Use the fathers name as a middle name. Easy and that will sort it.

bakewellbride · 13/09/2023 02:38

Your surname. 100%.

We married when ds was just under 3 and during that time I had a different surname to him. Honestly it was just awful. I hated having to explain at baby groups that I was ds' mum while everyone else just got to go in no questions asked. I know that might sound silly to some and maybe it works fine for them but just personally I hated it.

We are married now and have another baby and I love that we all have the same surname.

SpringSummerDreamer · 13/09/2023 03:33

I recommend giving your child your surname, regardless of whether you expect to marry or not.

If you don't get married and split up, you'll possibly find it difficult to travel with your child having a different surname to your own. On top of the normal passport, some countries will require you to carry a letter of permission from the father in order to travel alone with the child. It shouldn't be the case as there's no logic behind it, but the different surname is what prompts some border control staff to request this.

This is frustrating and patronising and the letter of permission can be difficult to obtain if you fall out. You may even have to go to court to get permission take your own child on holiday - or be restricted to UK only until the child is 16.

Please don't put yourself in this position - use your surname.

Untilitsleeps1 · 13/09/2023 03:37

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:43

I think a lot of people forget that the baby is 50% the fathers and therefore, he has 50% of the day on this. It's not your guns to stick to OP. You need to both agree on an outcome.
My child has a different surname (my OH is no longer with us unfortunately and DC took his surname). Him not being around is irrelevant to the fact that my DC having a different surname has caused zero issues so far. In fact I'm glad about it, now that OH has gone. That's my DC's identity and I have my own identity. Still my child! A DC doesn't need to have their DM's surname in order to be your child

op Partner should have no issue having a different surname to his child then given you’ve said it’s so irrelevant.

mummylove24 · 13/09/2023 04:04

Zebed31 · 11/09/2023 17:19

Hi all,
Expecting my first baby very very soon. My partner (not married) is being huffy about surnames as he wants the baby to have his surname. I’ve explained to him that although I see his POV we are not married (we’re planning on getting married at some point but it’s not ok the cards for the next year or two).

I want to either give the baby my surname or double barrell - the double barrell sounds fine and although I’m usually not keen on this approach to me it’s a fair compromise.

He continues to be huffy and can’t see why I don’t want a different surname to my own child. His argument is if the baby has my surname, we’re going to have to change it when we get married. To me that’s a lot of ifs and buts and maybes, but we have been together for almost 11 years and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I also think that if the baby has his surname there’s no incentive for us to marry, but then I think is that me holding him to ransom?

What would you do? Am not being unfair? The crux of this is I just don’t want a different surname to my baby, but I may just be hormonal!

I’m in a similar boat, it’s either mine only or double barrel (until we’re married)
you can re register the birth certificate up to 1 year after birth I believe x

Ponderingwindow · 13/09/2023 04:05

unless one of you is married to someone else, there is nothing stopping you from getting married before the baby arrives.

even of you get married, that doesn’t mean you will have the same surname. Women don’t have to change their names and neither do men.

NailyDale · 13/09/2023 04:20

Here's a message from the future: I wasn't married when I had my children. Gave them his surname.

We did get married but I didn't change my name.

Nearly 2 decades later my teenage children find it very odd that they don't have my name at all and point out that they really should have both names.

Ragwort · 13/09/2023 04:29

Do you want to get married .? .. eleven years together and you haven't married .. if marriage is important to you (& I accept it may not be) but why don't you just book the register office?

But yes, baby has your name.

CurlewKate · 13/09/2023 05:22

Your last name. He can change his name to yours if he's keen to share a name with you and the baby. It's easily done. And if he's a dick about this it's practically certain he'll be a dick about other things.

user1492757084 · 13/09/2023 06:08

Suggest having an intimate registry office marriage next weekend and all being the same name.

Or give the child your name until you marry.

If you think you will never marry then have a double barrelled name.

MargotBamborough · 13/09/2023 06:22

PSA:

It is not compulsory for women to change their names on marriage.

It is not compulsory for everyone to have the same name.

If the man feels strongly about everyone having the same name he is free to change his name to match the woman's.

If the man feels strongly about everyone having HIS name alone then he is a sexist pig.

stressedout20 · 13/09/2023 06:56

I'm not married and I stuck to my guns and said our baby would have my name or a double barrelled name (with mine first).
In laws had a lot to say about it, trying to argue that taking the fathers name is traditional 🙄 I pointed out that that's only where the parents are married.

I didn't feel comfortable not having my name included when I'd been the one to carry and birth baby.

In the end, we double barrelled it with my name first.

Like others say, if it's SO important for his name to be included then the options are: marry before baby is born, he takes your name, double barrel. Why should you compromise and not him?

Please stick to your guns if you want your name included. Your feelings are important and valid! ☺️ wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and beyond! ☺️

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 13/09/2023 07:06

Tell him when he goes through pregnancy and childbirth he gets to decide.

PurpleBugz · 13/09/2023 07:10

Yours. Don't even double barrel unless you plan to keep you name if you marry.

I fell for the argument 'will just have to change it when married'. Yet here I am single with a baby who doesn't have my name highlighting to the world we have been abandoned

mammaba · 25/09/2023 22:55

I was in your position a couple of years ago OP - though DP and I are engaged and had our wedding cancelled through covid, so it didn't even feel like an "if we get married" it was a "when we get married"!

DP had much to say on our baby taking his name while I was pregnant, but softened after DD was born and I was quite poorly post-labour and agreed that he didn't need DD to have his name to be her dad.

DD has my surname only, and I have absolutely no regrets.

I had been certain we'd get married (we'd planned, booked, and paid for our wedding!) but priorities change so much after DC and now I'm not sure if we will or not. I think I'd find that really hard if I had a different name from DD.

I also have a friend who is married but didn't take her DH's name, but did give DC DH's name. She said she found it a faff, and also quite sensitive at doctors appointments and various things where she had to keep confirming she was DC's mother.

I think if you are going to do most of the appointments, groups etc then it makes sense for baby to have the same name as you.

Missedmytoe · 25/09/2023 22:59

dementedpixie · 11/09/2023 17:22

Yours or double barrell
He could always change his to match yours!

Exactly this.
There is absolutely no requirement to have the same surname.
He's being ridiculous. You've explained and offered a number of options.
Equally, if you DO get married you could all take a new surname.

Certainlyreally · 25/09/2023 23:00

ParentingSolo · 11/09/2023 21:43

I think a lot of people forget that the baby is 50% the fathers and therefore, he has 50% of the day on this. It's not your guns to stick to OP. You need to both agree on an outcome.
My child has a different surname (my OH is no longer with us unfortunately and DC took his surname). Him not being around is irrelevant to the fact that my DC having a different surname has caused zero issues so far. In fact I'm glad about it, now that OH has gone. That's my DC's identity and I have my own identity. Still my child! A DC doesn't need to have their DM's surname in order to be your child

Does he fuck have 50% say!! When he gestates a baby for 9 months, then he can say - otherwise no chance

Mothers choice comes first