My Sister-in-law named baby daughter after my Husbands ex-girlfriend

[Outsiderinsider]

When I met my husband he had very recently split up with his ex. They had been together 5 years and his family adored her and she became close with my husbands sisters.
His ex girlfriend broke contact with the family as she found it painful, especially when he met me, and over time his family became friendlier towards me.
When I became pregnant we were thrilled and my husbands family appeared to be happy too, at the same time my husbands sister also became pregnant, and was due a bit before me.
A few weeks before our due dates we all attended a family party.My husbands ex was there with her new boyfriend. I’d like to add at the point my husbands ex-girlfriend is adorable and very respectful to me and my husband.
At the event the ex congratulated my mother-in-law on her up coming grandchildren, and my MIL was overhead (and later confirmed) saying “what can I say(about the baby)" and then “we like her but still love you” she was also heard making derogatory comments about me.
This was the first I knew my mil was unhappy about our baby, because she pretended to be as excited as we were. I didn’t let on I knew anything, but I was humiliated and devastated.

Two weeks after the wedding my sister in law gave birth to a baby girl, and called her the same name as the ex girlfriend. Going through the process myself I know how contentious the name choosing process is, and was shocked….people around us, including me, assumed the baby was named after the ex. Apparently it was just a name my sister-in-law loved. But it was embarrassing for me.
I have since also had a baby daughter, (given a unique name), and she is very much loved by the family, even if I am a clear outsider.... I have tried desperately to move on, but over time I have become more upset, angry and bitter.
Recently all the men in the family went out together and then (apparently spontaneously) the woman also got together, but my daughter and I wasn’t included… when I voiced my sadness, I was turned against with every excuse why they didn't include us.
It is clear they don’t like me, and I’m grown up enough to know this. And I’m happy to step away and let my DH and daughter have a relationship with his family without me. But I’m being told it’s in my head and that I’m imagining things. I’m now being made to feel unreasonable because I have pulled away from the family. But I feel much happier keeping away.
My husband is a very non confrontational person, so has never said anything much to defend me and his family would twist it all anyway. They always do.
I really would just like to know other peoples opinions. Should I move on? Am I being sensitive?

I don't blame you for being hurt. Does your husband know they were bitching about you and your unborn baby? I would have expected him to say something about that and read him the riot act if he didn't protect his wife and child.

I would consider taking a step back from them. I wouldn't attend family functions and keep the baby at home with you at much as you can. If they complain I would tell them I heard them slagging me off and what they said about the baby. Tell them you are hurt and had know idea they felt that way about your pregnancy, considering how excited they acted to your face. You don't feel welcome so it's best not to pretend.

It's sad that your husband isn't more upset about this to be honest. I would never forgive my family if they treated my husband and baby that way.

It is not in your head and your MIL is a stupid woman doing this.

Really sad situation BUT its not you and it is them.
And your DH needs to back you on this. Where is he in all this????

i would work on finding your neutal indifference. Drop the rope and step away in general. Go low contact and do not move on this.
Let your DH deal with them In its entirety. Social visits, birthday and xmas gifts let him sort it all.
When you organise nice days out invite your parents. Let him plan baby days out if he wants to bring his parents along. It will happen once a year, twice at best

I would agree to to go to 1 or 2 of his family events a year and be pleasant for 2 hours. Just focus on the baby and ask them about themselves and you are done.
Any other events your DH goes solo.

Do not let your DH take the baby over without you as thats what they want. You and the baby are a package.

I have already written about this on another thread. When we first met our son's new girlfriend ( fifteen years ago), she asked in passing if I was on Twitter. I told her that I wasn't. I have never been a member and I am still not. She told me her user name. Out of curiosity I fed it into Google the next day and to my shame read her comments on her day with us. We were described as having a boring house with bland food. I could see absolutely no reason to challenge her. She didn't know us and I never mentioned it. She became our DIL and I am very fond of her. They moved to live round the corner from us a couple of years back so we could help with childcare.
We have a great relationship and I am so glad that I didn't challenge her initial criticisms of us.
Sometimes you need to let things go and allow stuff to settle. I am still nervous about cooking for her ( she is an excellent cook)

Its been 5 years not 5 weeks.....

Have you read what her MIL said about her...?

They arent going to magically build a dream mil/dil relationship. The mil wishes her son married the ex gf and thinks OP is "less than"

@Totalwasteofpaper
It seems to me that if a DIL is caught badmouthing her mother in law, it is fine and to be expected but the other way round is marriage breaking.
Time in my opinion settles most things. Nobody likes change but eventually they adapt and get used to it.
Nearly one in two marriages break down in the uk. If the OP decides to leave her husband, her PILs will probably see the baby more on her ex husband's time.
Sometimes it is good to 'go high' and it may make the PILS realise what they are missing with the OP.

I haven't been badmouthing my mother in law, she was bad mouthing me.
I have tried to forget what was said, but I can't.... and I am only sharing half of the story to save time, but I have had to live with relentless criticism, which has caused me hurt.
I am not talking about leaving my husband, I have chosen to create distance to save my mental health.
Neither am I stopping anyone from seeing my daughter. I just want to keep away. I don't want to be fake, like they are.

Step back. Do not have your name on any cards and do not do any wife work for birthdays or Xmas's.. Dh can manage the whole caboodle. They are twats op. And your dh is spineless.

DH problem, why is he allowing you to be treated so poorly.
who is telling you it’s all in your head? Dh?

personally I wouldn’t go to family functions, I’d step back. But my baby wouldn’t be going without me either.

Sometimes relationships take a lot of work but can end up being fulfilling despite very unpromising starts. The MIL had a five year relationship with the ex and it’s unsurprising that she was closer to the ex than you initially though it’s unfortunate that she voiced that in your hearing.

I had a really difficult time with my MIL for years. She was very possessive of my DH and I was the first girl he ever brought home and it took her years to come around. She said some very unfortunate things to me in the early years. I did not go LC or drop the rope but took the decision not to react. I’ve been married over 30 years now and get on extremely well with my MIL now - she regards me as a daughter and I am closer to her than to my own mother.

It’s your own choice to make but if you do drop the rope or walk away then things will definitely never get better and you are accepting a permanent role as outsider. They are most unlikely to come running after you and beg you to come back and you may end up making things worse rather than better with them dripping poison in your DH or child’s ear when you are not around to defend yourself.

I'd love to know the name - if it's something common then I think you need to let it go, if it's something more unusual then that's a little crazy. I suspect it's more the former than the latter and you need to let it go.

However, they do sound very off with you and I think you should stop making the effort. They clearly don't want a relationship, so get support elsewhere.

Oh, and when the women of the family got together, were there any in-laws or was it MIL and her daughters? That would change my opinion too.

That's awful behaviour from them, no wonder you're upset. Life is simply too short to allow unpleasant people to inhabit it, so I would pull right back from family gatherings and conversations. Be civil and polite, but no more, and let your DH deal with the organisation of all family stuff such as birthdays, Christmases, events and so on on his side.

Thank you for your message and input.
I don't blame my MIL for loving the ex.... she is really very lovely, and if it wasn't for her pulling away it could have been very difficult for my husband to have moved on in the early days. But we have been together 7 years now. At times the relationship between me and the family has improved, but I am so hurt at the moment it brings back all the past pain :(

What's the name btw? If it's a popular one then I think you simnply have to move on from that.

It was the MIL, her 3 daughters, and my husbands brother's wife. I was the only one not invited....

Yeah that's a dick move, and that's your main issue.

I think you need to let the name thing go - no one names their baby after their brother's ex just to make a point to his new wife. It's much more likely they just really liked the name. But excluding you is telling.

Going through the process myself I know how contentious the name choosing process is

Do you mean the name should have been ruled out because it's his ex-girlfriends name?

I can see why that makes it a no-go for your husband to use; but not his sister, if the name isn't a really unique one.

I didn't find naming my baby contentious. We ruled out some names that we didn't like, settled on something we both loved, and told everyone once baby had been born - so that baby was that name, in their minds.

That aside - your MIL has let you know the lay of the land. It's unfortunate but you'll be better to distance yourself and not expect to be invited to things, or you're going to be constantly disappointed.

It is something common (top 10)..... I have had no choice but to let it go. But I thought it was insensate and disrespectful. And I was embarrassed because lots of people asked if she was named after his ex :(
We was looking for a name for our baby at the same time and discounted names because we went to school with someone 20 years ago who had a snotty nose with that name... haha

My in laws are like this to me and would deny that they are. They think they are lovely people. I don’t need them to like me, but I do want them to be fair to the children - which they are not. The children see this. I mop that up, and that children see that too.

so one day when your DD is old enough she will also see this - and in the meantime you’ll have built a happy and healthy life without them in it, while they get to watch you shine from the sidelines.

lots of people have cut my in laws off. It can’t all be us that’s wrong!

A top ten name? Then you definitely need to let it go. There are enough problems here, don't go inventing new ones.

I certainly wouldn't have named my daughter the same name as his ex haha (id not like the name anyway)....
We had a hard time finding a name because of people we knew had children with that name, or they related to something we didn't like... perhaps it was just me, and like I said before there was questions around if the name was after the ex. The ex was close with my SIL at one point and was her bridesmaid etc...

As for the name, I would let that go. My in laws are especially funny about names ie one cousin used a name that another cousin had told her when she was 10 was the name she would use for a daughter…

its all just a garnish to the toxicity.

You are really over thinking this.

They told her they still loved her ...she was part of the family for a long time. I still love my daughter's ex. That doesn't mean I don't love my son-in-law!

As for the name just because she has the same name as their favourite name bears no significance

You are reading too much into this

Like I said it might have just been me :) I just wouldn't have picked the name if the situation was reversed, especially given the thousands of names there are to pick. It was very weird at the time and widely discussed amongst our friends, hence why I was embarrassed.... I have found it difficult to move on... clearly :(

People choose names in different ways, some don't actually think about names being associated with people they know and like/dislike. I do ,my late DH didn't associate names with people. I kept saying, when we were choosing,'god I went to school with a ......., they were awful' and he thought it was hilarious.

FWIW, I am cordial with MIL, I like her but don't really get on with other members. Our birth families are just too different. Sometimes people don't click, the fact you love your partner and he loves you doesn't mean every one else does. They should be pleasant and polite though.