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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Husband hates family middle name….

47 replies

Tadah2 · 29/05/2023 20:20

Please let me know if I am being unreasonable, as I can’t tell if I am.

I wanted the name of my Grandma (who has passed away) as a middle name for my first daughter, my husband vetoed it. I then asked for it for our second daughter (I am pregnant) and he has said no, as he doesn’t want all my family ‘lapping it up’ as he doesn’t have the best relationship with my Mum (the name is after her Mum). The relationship is strained as my husband tends to avoid any of my sides family gatherings, and when he does go he spends most of his time on his phone and giving one word answers. My mum has never been rude, she just doesn’t make an effort anymore. I said that the name means something to me, and he said he didn’t like that his family wouldn’t have a name (apart from the surname).

He doesn’t get on with the majority of his family, he didn’t particularly like his Nan who passed away and he doesn’t have a good relationship with his sister. So I’m not sure whose name he would want in there, and he said he isn’t sure either. He just doesn’t want my grandma’s name.

I’ve said he can choose the first name, as the middle name really means something to me. He says he’s rather not pick the first name than have my Grandma’s name in there, as he really doesn’t like the idea.

Am I being unreasonable if I keep pushing it, or should I concede and not have my Grandma’s name. My sister has two boys, so no one else will use the name. I just feel sad, as I wanted to have a middle name with meaning and she meant a lot to me.

OP posts:

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DuchessOfSausage · 29/05/2023 20:23

Use the name. He sounds a complete arsehole.

JediIsMyMaster · 29/05/2023 20:26

I think parents should both agree on names, so if he doesn’t want to use it I don’t think you can, really.

I’d keep trying to persuade him, though.

dinmin · 29/05/2023 20:28

He already gets the surname AND you’ve offered the first name?!he’s being unreasonable especially if your family haven’t actually done anything wrong

ChubbyMorticia · 29/05/2023 20:30

Names are a must agree for me.

BadgerFacedCoo · 29/05/2023 20:30

He gets the last name. So you should get the middle. Both to agree on the first.

Ponderingwindow · 29/05/2023 20:31

names have to be by mutual agreement. You both get unlimited vetos. There are basically an infinite number of names available to choose from, so you will find something you both like eventually.

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 20:31

Ponderingwindow · 29/05/2023 20:31

names have to be by mutual agreement. You both get unlimited vetos. There are basically an infinite number of names available to choose from, so you will find something you both like eventually.

I agree with this. If you're going to use a family name you use it for your first, generally, too.

FloofCloud · 29/05/2023 20:32

You've just got to agree. Why does the like your family, was there bad feelings /words etc? Just wondering if your DH is an arse with people ok general or has reason to be stubborn? Saying that I'd really not want a name I didn't actually like just for family reasons

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2023 20:33

He doesn't get on with his family. He doesn't get on with your family.

I'm wondering if you see a pattern here...

continentallentil · 29/05/2023 20:34

First names you must agree. Middle names after a living person I also think you should agree. But objecting to a middle name after your deceased granny is really unreasonable.

They have his surname I presume, and he can add a give name from his family if he wants, you’ve also said he can pick the first name (make sure you have a veto though)

He’s gonna have to suck it up, it’s bordering on vindictive

FirstFallopians · 29/05/2023 20:34

Putting the name-issue aside for a minute, your husband doesn’t come off very well here.

The old adage about if you meet one arsehole that’s unfortunate, but if you keep meeting arseholes then maybe other people aren’t the problem…

Wrongsideofpennines · 29/05/2023 20:36

Family dynamics aside - I don't think only one parent should be choosing the name. It should be a shared decision. If he chooses a name as a first name that you hate will you just go along with it like you expect him to?

fairlygoodmother · 29/05/2023 20:37

Is it because he doesn’t like the name, or he just doesn’t want to make your mum happy?

If he hates the name I don’t think you should use it. If it’s the other option maybe say you don’t tell your family but he does it to make you happy?

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/05/2023 20:40

Asanequal parent you need to respect his thoughts.Do you really think your daughter would want to be called a name her father hates?

DuchessOfSausage · 29/05/2023 20:44

I was given a middle name my father loves and I hate it.

Pieceofpurplesky · 29/05/2023 20:51

He sounds a dream OP! Rude and obnoxious. Personally I would divorce him, use my gran's name and my surname!

Stick to your guns. He gets the surname

PurBal · 29/05/2023 20:55

I think you need to agree. Sorry OP. Also because DD1 isn’t named “for” someone it might be too late. DS1 middle name is after late FIL. On my side there is a middle name that’s been passed down eldest son to eldest son for 300 years, because I’m female I wouldn’t be carrying on the tradition but it still means a lot and DS2 will have this name.

Puppers · 29/05/2023 20:56

He sounds really horrible. I hope he has at least some redeeming features.

AliasGrape · 29/05/2023 20:59

Our daughter has my (deceased)mum’s name as a middle name - it was absolutely non-negotiable for me that if we had a girl we’d use that name - and my husband was happy to agree because he knows how important it was to me and he’s not a dick out to prove some weird point (plus it’s a pretty and inoffensive name). Honestly if he’d not agreed I’d have used it anyway - but then he’s not a difficult or awkward man and I can’t imagine him not agreeing or seeing our daughter’s name as some kind of competition or point scoring exercise.

We ended up also including his grandmother’s name as she died just before DD was born. He suggested it when we were in recovery. I wouldn’t have chosen for DD to have 2 middle names, and wouldn’t have chosen this name either - but I agreed because I could see how much it meant to him.

I can’t imagine being with someone who was so purposefully difficult. Unless there’s some back story where your family have been absolutely awful to him, I just don’t understand his thinking.

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/05/2023 21:00

I think both parents have to agree to names. I wanted one of my boys to have my (dead) father's name as a middle name, dh didn't want it because he felt they should have their own names and not be named after anyone else, so they don't.

I was a bit sorry, but I understand where he was coming from, and he's a parent too.

NuffSaidSam · 29/05/2023 21:00

Could she have two middle names? Choose one each.

I think he's being a bit of dick tbh, unless your Granny's name was fuckface or something.

Can you find a way round it? Maybe use your Granny's middle name instead of her first (don't tell him the connection), an alternative version of her name or maybe find a name that has the same/similar meaning.

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 29/05/2023 21:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2023 20:33

He doesn't get on with his family. He doesn't get on with your family.

I'm wondering if you see a pattern here...

Yes, I also thought this tbh

Jellycats4life · 29/05/2023 21:03

He really isn’t coming across very well here. Toxic and controlling.

ArcticSkewer · 29/05/2023 21:05

Are you sure you want them to have his surname?

It will be irritating when you finally see the pattern and leave him

Thehippowife · 29/05/2023 21:06

I would tell him he either agrees or the baby doesn’t have his surname - one name each I say.

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