Husband hates family middle name….

[Tadah2]

Please let me know if I am being unreasonable, as I can’t tell if I am.

I wanted the name of my Grandma (who has passed away) as a middle name for my first daughter, my husband vetoed it. I then asked for it for our second daughter (I am pregnant) and he has said no, as he doesn’t want all my family ‘lapping it up’ as he doesn’t have the best relationship with my Mum (the name is after her Mum). The relationship is strained as my husband tends to avoid any of my sides family gatherings, and when he does go he spends most of his time on his phone and giving one word answers. My mum has never been rude, she just doesn’t make an effort anymore. I said that the name means something to me, and he said he didn’t like that his family wouldn’t have a name (apart from the surname).

He doesn’t get on with the majority of his family, he didn’t particularly like his Nan who passed away and he doesn’t have a good relationship with his sister. So I’m not sure whose name he would want in there, and he said he isn’t sure either. He just doesn’t want my grandma’s name.

I’ve said he can choose the first name, as the middle name really means something to me. He says he’s rather not pick the first name than have my Grandma’s name in there, as he really doesn’t like the idea.

Am I being unreasonable if I keep pushing it, or should I concede and not have my Grandma’s name. My sister has two boys, so no one else will use the name. I just feel sad, as I wanted to have a middle name with meaning and she meant a lot to me.

Let him choose the middle name. Use your surname and your grans name as the first name.

He doesn’t sound much fun to spend a lifetime with.

This is too much of a controlling attitude, paired with the massive red flag that he doesn’t get along with family.
i wouldn’t stay in such an unhealthy relationship.

He sounds rude as shit and like he’s the problem.

Does he get on with anyone.

I agree with not using a name that someone hates however it sounds like he doesn't actually hate the name. He just dislikes it because he doesn't like the daughter of the lady with the name.

Choose the full name and stick to it.
Your husband is bad natured for no reason to a dear deceased person who meant a lot to you.

Choose the first name, the second name and team them with your own maiden surname.
Fair's fair. He got all the names for the first daughter and now it's your turn.

I went along with my husband and didn't use a family middle name for either of our girls because he felt really strongly about it and generally we abide by "no" being the voice we listen to whether that's from him or me.

Turns out both of my daughters would have preferred to have the middle name and the eldest is just waiting to be old enough to get it officially changed to be included in her name. Youngest will probably be the same.

He gets the surname, you get the middle name - chose what you want. Your husband never needs to use it and he needs to get over himself, he honestly sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder.

He doesn’t get on with his own family, he doesn’t get on with your family and honestly OP it sounds like he doesn’t really get on with you either…

The old adage about if you meet one arsehole that’s unfortunate, but if you keep meeting arseholes then maybe other people aren’t the problem…
I thought the same.

It feels like he's being awkward and willing to upset the OP purely to try and score points against her family.

Middle name issues clearly are just the tip of the iceberg. He really sounds like a miserable prick. Is there anyone he does get on with?

But anyway, if your children have his surname I'd stand firm over the middle name thing. Let him sulk.

I think you need to be in agreements about the names unfortunately.

However your husband sounds a complete arse.

I would offer his preferred first name with your family surname. Say you said you didn’t get to choose a name, but you always get to choose a name. I get to choose one too.
and use that if he won’t have your grandmas name. Those are his two choices now, for being an asshole.

i always had first choice of name, since my children have dhs surname. He’s not an asshole so he was ok with that!

Both my DDs have middle names from women in my family. Neither were at all fashionable at the time and I wouldn’t have used them as first names, but both mean a lot to me.
They both love their middle names now! Your DH is being an arse!

Is the name really dreadful and that's why he doesn't want it, or is it because he's got the hump with everyone in your family? Also why doesn't he like your family? Or his own? I don't really think the name is the issue here, it seems like it's the tip of a rather large iceberg.

Your husband ignored your family at their events and eventually your mum stopped trying with him? Sounds like exactly what he wanted, or at the very least is sufferning the consequences of his own actions!

I agree with others that names should be fully agreed on by both parties but either I'm missing something or your husband is an ass who alienated his own family and is now doing the same with yours!

“I agree with not using a name that someone hates however it sounds like he doesn't actually hate the name. He just dislikes it because he doesn't like the daughter of the lady with the name.”

This

DS has a middle name that I don't like. However it's a perfectly good name, nothing weird about it, and it means a lot to DH, MIL, and other family members on his side. Me not liking it is a me problem and I'm not a dick so of course we used it.
Your DH seems to be a dick. Just use the name.

What is the name??
Has he said no purely because it is your grans name or is there another reason.

My family middle name for boys is James, my MIL said she would call our son JJ so that name didn't get picked....

My first long term partner who I considered having children with told me that if we had a boy, I have to use a particular middle name because it's a family tradition to be named after the grandfather. I was to have no say in this.

The way that made me feel shaped my opinion that all names should be mutually agreed on.

Similar. I met a lovely man who came from a long line of firstborn boys being called John. I don't even dislike the name John, but I absolutely would not agree to a tradition like that, I very much dislike babies being named after people as well.

Pick a name you both like.

Him not getting on with his family nor yours doesn't mean he's an arse, btw. He may be, but disliking two sets of people does not make it so.

Stick to your idea of using your grandmother's name.
Give unreasonable husband the choice of whether the name is the first or second name.
Have a first name that goes well with it and tell husband that he can switch the two around if need be.
If he complains add your surname to the two first names.

I would insist on the middle name.
This relationship won't last. He sounds a selfish dick.

Use it. It’s a middle name and means a lot to you. He’s being very unreasonable and childish