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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Any suggestions for my baby's surname please?

74 replies

imoscarsmum · 01/02/2008 14:51

Hope someone can help. DP and I are expecting and we are not married. We are married in every other sense - ie it's a full partnership and fully committed etc. baby's surname is going to be a problem though. He wants it to have his surname but I'm not happy with that, but my surname might not be a good idea either, as I am divorced and have never bothered to change my name back to my maiden name, so still use my ex-hubby's surname. Has never bothered me before, but now we're a bit stuck as dp does not want baby to have my ex's surname (understandably). I think we will get married one day but it's just not high on my list of things to do.
Help or thoughts anyone?

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CayKon · 04/02/2008 13:23

Go with dps i had to make the same choice as you, but since we have got married and all share same name. It would have been hard for the children to adjust to changing there names now as well.

Teuch · 04/02/2008 13:27

Mentioned above, but I'll second you taking you DP's surname for now, and all having that name.

As far as I know, as long as you advise your doctor/bank then you can.

My mum did that, although they never got married in the end and split

Or you could get married quietly, then have a party after baby arrives?

MaeWest · 04/02/2008 13:36

I'm married, but both DH and I kept our surnames. DS has DH's surname. It's not caused a prob so far, and I know that we're family, I'm not bothered about what other people think.

In your case I think it's a decision between your maiden name or DH's name, as ex's name is nothing to do with your new baby really...

seeker · 04/02/2008 13:46

Why is it assumed by most people that children have their father's name?

Teuch · 04/02/2008 13:58

Do you mean on this thread Seeker? I don't think it has been here..

If you mean in general, that's just symptomatic of a society that is changing quickly from one generation to another so lots of old-fashioned views hang around, and are still valid for lots of people.

I personally wanted my family all to have the same name...but didn't feel strongly about it being DH's, mine or a random one picked out the sky!!

GooseyLoosey · 04/02/2008 14:05

I am married but don't use Dh's name for anything.

When I was pg with dc1, dh and I had a long discussion about whose name we should use. Dh was happy for it to be mine (which is v. usual - everyone with that last name in the world is related to me). However, whilst I was confident that no one would ever think that the dcs were not mine becuase they did not have my last name, I was fairly certain that people might at least wonder if they were dh's (and the first person to suggest to dh that they weren't may have ended up with a sore nose). With my last name, using it with a hypen or as a middle name was just not possible. On that basis, they both have dh's name.

This has never been a problem for me. Yes, people do assume that I am Mrs DH and sometimes look at me as though I am a scary anarchist when I explain that infact I am Mrs GL.

If you are convinced that your relationship with dp is a permanent one, I would use his name.

seeker · 04/02/2008 14:09

I haven't added it up, but I'm pretty sure that on this thread the people suggesting the mother's last name or hypens are in the vast minority. The prevailing view seems to be that the man's name goes. It's "the obvious solution" "dp is perfectly entitled to want his dc to have his name" "his name would be the obvious choice" and so on and so on. Can't see why , myself!

dingdong05 · 04/02/2008 14:30

I'd change my name back to my maiden name and use that for lo too. Whilst it's still expected for families to take on male adults surname it isn't obligatory anymore. If your dp wants to have the same name as his offspring he can change his name too.
Or change your name to your dps and you'll all have the traditional family format whether or not you get hitched
Changing your name by deed poll only costs about £40 after all!

3andnomore · 04/02/2008 14:53

seeker...but the op doesn't actually carry her own (maidenname) she carried her ex hubbies name, which is the problem...
which is why I suggested that she should maybe think of taking her maidenname on and then either just have that as Baby's surname or do both those surnames...

Alishanty · 04/02/2008 16:59

We are not married and ds has dp's surname. We don't plan on getting married either as we don't believe in it. The having a different name doesn't bother me, it's just a name. Plenty of people are not married these days, it's not as if it's taboo anymore. I didn't fancy having a double barrelled name as it's too long-winded. If I were you I would go with your dp's surname, especially as you are going to get married one day.

violetsky · 04/02/2008 19:23

Tegan, unless your friend had not put her daughters father on the original birth certificate then she was woefully misinformed. She should of been able to take her marriage lies and her dd's birth cert in to the registrar and they would of changed it for the price of a new cert.

FillyjonkisCALM · 04/02/2008 19:28

why do you not just use your own maiden name?

3andnomore · 04/02/2008 20:59

it's not her maiden name she has right now, is it...she has not bothered changing the surname after getting divorced....or maybe I am just confused now, lol.

dingdong05 · 05/02/2008 09:53

I do find it interesting that the number of women who gave their kiddies dps name, even though they were not married, and sometimes didn't plan to get married at all.
I am of the opposing mindset, if I wasn't married (and if I was it's not automatic that I'd take hubby's name) I would assume lo would take my name. Then, if dp wanted to join in with a family name he could take mine, rather than the other way about.
Take as read the old rant about families taking dh's name because they were considered property

NoviceKnitter · 05/02/2008 13:10

As I said before I was always sure i'd give LO DP's name before she was born (that old chestnut about I will always have a link - don't need to share a name as much) but in hosp they're called after mother (i.e. Baby Knitter) and I found myself heartbroken at changing that - still not resolved for me. Sometimes I think they had it easier in the old days - too much choice can mean too much angst!

slinkiemalinki · 06/02/2008 12:36

Most people I know in this situation use their partner's surname for the child and their surname (in your case maiden name?) as penultimate name. Although I think they go generally under the father's name. I am not a fan of made up double barrelled names myself. The other option is to change your own name back to maiden name and use that but you are rather cutting your partner out of the process if you do that I think.
Maybe not the best person to comment as - although I was slow to change my own name after marriage - my daughter bears my husband's name and that has made me want to change my own too.

DaDaDa · 06/02/2008 12:48

DW kept her maiden name when we married. I had no problems with that but I always wanted our children to have my name and she agreed to this when we got married. DS has her surname as his middle name (not hyphenated).

I don't think it has anything to do with them being 'my property' but I think the cultural ties to children carrying the fathers name must have affected my quite strong feeling that they should take my name... it's definitely an emotional reaction rather than a logical one. I can see why your DP is edgy about it given that you've kept your ex H's name.

Remotew · 06/02/2008 13:17

I've never really thought of the surname issue that deeply until I read this thread. My DD's dad was never really in the picture but when I had her I still used my exH surname (not her dad) so I called her by my maiden name and changed my name back by way of a declaration at the solicitors.

Unless you are married and using your dh's name I dont see why a child should be named after the father. After all if you split then it will usually be the mother who has care. If he really wants his kids to have his name then marry the mum

My DD is proud she has my maiden name, even though its an embarrassing one.

lollipopmother · 06/02/2008 21:07

My mother is married to my dad but she never took his surname because it is rubbish, she actually kept her married name from her previous marriage which I think takes the p*ss a bit but dad has never mentioned that he doesn't like it. Anyway I digress, I still have my dad's surname (pity, haha!) and none of us care in the slightest that mum has a different surname. I was occasionally asked at school when I came in with a cheque with someone elses surname on it but I didn't mind in the least.

Myself and my partner aren't married yet and it hasn't even occured to me not to give our baby his surname, although we will get married at some point although not for a few years yet as we're fully focused on the baby at the moment.

I like the hyphonated name idea, that is the best of both worlds but you'd have to change it back to your maiden name, which sounds a bit overdue anyway

motherinferior · 06/02/2008 21:13

Change back to your original one, and name give it to your child. That's what I'd do anyway.

My daughters do have their father's surname as one of their surnames.

AgathaRose · 07/02/2008 23:17

We struggled like mad with this one. -Neither of us willing to give up our surmanes and ended up with a clunky and rather ugly double-barrel. Obviously not a perfect solution, not least bc it begs the question: what will the next generation do?

Amazed to see how few of these posts even question the assumption that a child should have its father's name or that a woman will take her partner's name on marrying. -Get with the times ladies!

lollipopmother · 08/02/2008 09:49

Agatharose - Would you not think it a bit odd that if they end up getting married their child will then have a different name to both of them just because she fancied giving it her name instead of his?! I think the whole idea of giving your child your own name instead of your partners very hippy, I see no issue with giving the child your partners name, unless of course you've already split up in which case I wouldn't dream of it.

JamesDavidsMum · 08/02/2008 13:57

I've been in in this situation as a child of unmarried parents and now have had a baby with my partner. When I was born I was given my mum's surname, when my mum married my step-dad (who I consider my dad) I was informally know by his surname - not changed by deed poll - when I was 19 I changed my name to hyphenate my original surname and birth-father's surname as a middle name and have my step-dad's name as my surname. Now with my son he has my step-dad's surname as a middle name and the same surname as my partner. I feel it's all about identity and having a name that identifies where you come from - whether by birth or by choice. When we eventually get married I'm not going to chance my name - as it's my identity and an uncommon surname, whereas my partner's name is very common.

AgathaRose · 08/02/2008 20:42

Thing is Lollipop, This wouldn't be an issue as personally i can't see why there is an assumption that a woman should change her name when she marries. If my otherhalf and I ever tied the knot i wouldn't dream of giving up my quite nice and interesting surname for his rather boring one. Here's why:
-He has a massive family which completely overshadows my tiny one. I don't want to be swallowed up entirely.
-My father (by all accounts a lovely man) died just after i was born and i refuse to give up his name for that of my 'father out-law' who is a rather horrible man.
-It's completely anachronistic and ridiculous for a woman to give up her identity and adopt that of her husband's family. (Doesn't it hint at some archaic idea of a man 'possessing' his wife?)
-I hate the fact that old friends will not be able to find me in the phone book as i will have a new name.

For me it's absolutely not a hippy thing, but it is a practical and a feminist thing.
Blimey, excuse the rant . I do feel strongly about this though...

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