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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Any suggestions for my baby's surname please?

74 replies

imoscarsmum · 01/02/2008 14:51

Hope someone can help. DP and I are expecting and we are not married. We are married in every other sense - ie it's a full partnership and fully committed etc. baby's surname is going to be a problem though. He wants it to have his surname but I'm not happy with that, but my surname might not be a good idea either, as I am divorced and have never bothered to change my name back to my maiden name, so still use my ex-hubby's surname. Has never bothered me before, but now we're a bit stuck as dp does not want baby to have my ex's surname (understandably). I think we will get married one day but it's just not high on my list of things to do.
Help or thoughts anyone?

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moljam · 01/02/2008 22:54

cant you change your name to your dh by deed poll until married?

oliviaelanasmum · 01/02/2008 23:00

I had dd1 before i met dp so she had my name and then when we go together she was only 2 so we unofficially gave her his surname. When we had dd2 we gave her dp'd name and had dd1's name changed by deedpoll, now we have dd3. They all have the same name so its only me who is different so i registered the dog with my name

OverMyDeadBody · 01/02/2008 23:09

I don't get this. You're happy to go around using your ex h's surname but you are worried about giving your child their dad's surname? Where's the logic there?

Why on earth don't you change your surname back or just take on your DP's surname?

EllbellTheBluestocking · 01/02/2008 23:11

Change your name back to your maiden name. (You don't need a deed poll to do this, because it's your name anyway, iyswim. I only found this out after I'd got a deed poll to change my name back to my maiden name from ex-h's!) Then (depending on the names and/or your preference) give your child a double-barrelled name, or just your name, or your dp's name with the other one as a middle name. Whether or not you marry your dp is irrelevant. You don't need to adopt his name just because you're married to him. So whatever solution you agree on now wouldn't need to change in the future.

FWIW, I am married but use my maiden name. Both my name and dh's are quite unusual and unwieldy, so we didn't go down the double-barrelled route, so the Babybells have his surname and my surname as a middle name (which they can choose to use or not when they are older - the important thing for me was that it should be there on their birth certificate). I don't have any problems with having a different name from my dds. The first few times you do have to go through the whole business of 'I'm Ell Bell, Babybell DHname's mother', but people soon work out who you are and what the relationship is. No-one has ever questioned that I am actually my dds' mother!

Good luck!

jennifersofia · 02/02/2008 12:07

Haven't read entire thread, but our dc have dp's surname, with my surname as a middle name. For school and all intensive purposes they are their first name + dp's surname. I didn't want to mess about with hyphenated surnames, but it was important to me that they had my surname. We are married, but I have always kept my surname. FWIW, it has never been an issue at school, though with some forms I do sign child's name, and then put my name with (mother) beside it - just for the sake of clarity.

cory · 03/02/2008 14:53

Dh and I are married, I have my maiden name, the kids have his, never caused a problem at school gates. Know several families with similar arrangements. Besides- are you ruling out the possibility of dp ever collecting them at school gates? These little problems tend to be easily overcome.

I was surprised to see that the NHS had put my surname on ds's X-ray the other day, but that was easily put right.

fortyplus · 03/02/2008 14:58

I was married to dh when we had ds1 so it seemed natural to give him the same surname. However, I was still using my maiden name so even though we were married my ame was different fom the children's. In your case I'd say definitely give the baby dp's name.

fortyplus · 03/02/2008 14:58

xp with cory! How strange.

mustrunmore · 03/02/2008 15:01

I had this exact situation. We just got married

FenellaFudge · 03/02/2008 15:06

Change your name back to your maiden name and give the baby the same name.

cupsoftea · 03/02/2008 15:09

your maiden name or dp name

cutekids · 03/02/2008 19:48

coming from another perspective...especially in this day and age when everybody's researching history etc....my surname(maiden name)isn't real cos my Dad (illegitimately born in 1930)took his Mum's name.i'm intrigued to know the background of my family but come up against so much resistance cos my surname isn't my surname if you know what i mean.....?

MrsEi25 · 03/02/2008 22:13

hi i would say go with his surname as if in the future you both do decide to get married he would have to legally adopt his child to be able to give the child his surname (my friend had to do this with his DS) i gave my DD her dads surname and we got married 6 months ago so now we have all got the same surname. i would only keep my child with the same surname as me if i wasnt sure that the relationship was going to last iyswim it just seems easier that way HTH
xx ei xx

BigBadMouse · 03/02/2008 22:23

Sorry, I haven't read all the other replies so this may have already been said but I had a friend in a similar situation to you. Parents not married, she was using her maiden name. She wanted her DD to have the father's (her current partner) surname...

when she went to register her DD the registrar was quite firm with her about being sure she wanted to use the fathers name even though they weren't married. She said that it would be very difficult to change her DDs name if she separated from her partner and did not marry him whereas if she used the her owm maiden name and then got married to the father later on - the name change for DD would be a straightforward procedure.

I would suggest you use your maiden name for your DD and you until you get married to DDs father

hth

edam · 03/02/2008 22:34

Am tempted to say if he really wants the baby to have his name, he should go to the bloody effort of asking you to marry him! But that would possibly be uncharitable, so I won't.

I think Big Bad Mouse has a very good point.

FWIW, although I am married, ds has my surname, not dh's. I kept my own for all the obvious reasons (it's my name! I'm not a possession etc. etc. etc.) When we had ds I'd assumed dh would want to give him both our surnames - my thinking was he could have both and then decide to use whichever he preferred, or both, when he grew up. But dh was very insistent that they are too long to use together (five syllables) and that he really doesn't like his name. So ds got my name - I kept asking dh if he was really, really sure right up until we finally signed on the dotted line, but he was. From dh's POV, he was more bothered about giving ds his (late) father's name as a middle name. Which we did.

seeker · 03/02/2008 22:40

I can't understand why people are so opposed to hyphenated names. My dcs have both our names,and it has never caused the slightest problem. We have always said to them that id they want to use only one or other of their names in the future that's fine, but so far they are both very happy with the fact that they are the only two people in the world with their last name.

violetsky · 03/02/2008 22:45

Have you thought that what ever name your baby has (good luck by the way) on his/her birth certificate it will be Father (for ex) John Brown; Mother Jane Smith, with smith being your exhusbands surname.
DH and were not married when dd was born, she took my surname and when we married we took our marriage lines and her birth certificate in to the registrar and they shreded her old cert and re-registered her as mum Mrs Vsky, Dad Mr Vsky, DD Miss Vsky. No one will ever see her old cert even if she is crb checked.

purpleduck · 03/02/2008 22:51

mrsruffalo
LOL at "double-barrelled nonsense" !!!

Smithy · 03/02/2008 22:55

I was in the same situation as you and we gave ds1 and ds2 my dp's name (now my dh). I hadn't changed my surname back to maiden name so still had my ex-married surname. We got married (eventually) following the birth of ds2 and I re-registered their births with my new surname, so we all now have the same name. Felt it was best in the long run, to give dh surname, although it did start to get on my nerves having a different name as the rest of the family (particularly when I was divorced and that part of my life was over).

jojo0207 · 03/02/2008 23:14

both my children have their father's name. i will be marrying my youngest's (and indeed the ones iam pg now with) dad so it makes sense. my eldest has now asked to have her name changed to what will be our family name.
i don't have the same name as either of them at the mo, and yes, sometimeswhen i get letters addressed to mrs so and so or phone calls asking to speak to mrs so and so it can be midly annoying having to say 'my name is, and i'm her mother' but at the end of the day, there is no shame as such within the playground (not nowerdays-it's very common for the mother to have a different name). if you are planning on getting married, his name would make the obvious choice (plus it would help him to feel more included!) good luck!

3andnomore · 04/02/2008 12:33

IT obviously bothers the op, so, I think the best solution would be to go back to your maidenname and then maybe give the baby yours and dp's surname...and maybe just go for one first name...otherwise it will be a lot of writing on official documents...

FWIS, my maiden name was my mums first and by that time exhubbies name and it never bothered me to much, as my own father wasn't in the picture anyway, and that way I carried the same name as my mum and my older halfsister...however, my maidenname was a real pain, as it was a long russian origine name which people foud hard to write...

tegan · 04/02/2008 12:48

When we had dd1 we weren't married but she had dh's surname as a friend of mine chose for her dd to have her surname thenmarried her dp and he had to legally adopt his own daughter just to change her surname.

Twinkie1 · 04/02/2008 12:51

We were in the same position - I gave DS DPs surname knowing that we would probably get married one day and would rather him have DPs surname than my XHs.

AuntyThesis · 04/02/2008 12:55

I think that i carry a child in the womb
i nurture he child
i raise the child
parent the child
care for the child when it is sick

i am its mum

we live in a culturally diverse society - if not being married and having a diferent name bothers you - then get married. you two witnesses and a registration ofice.

if thats ot an option then give him your partnes surname.

the way i look at itis ths

that child will always be mine unless social services take him away in whcih case surname issue least of problems - so i can see how, when women are primary carers that men either intentionly or unintentionally opt out.

i am proud that we all have my husbands name. even though he has two brothers and a plethera of little xxxxx's and my maiden name - my fathers name has died with him. That is how traditional i am about this stuff - and i consider myself to be a card carrying liberal lefty loony in all other walks of life.

wolveschick · 04/02/2008 13:15

Without sounding old fashioned-and if I do then I really dont mind this is why marriage is a usually a good idea (obviously this depends on the DH) and solves the issue of you being the only one in the family unit without that surname, and the one at schoolgates with a different name. If you plan on getting married one day then use DPs surname-what is the alternative, your ex's name or you going back to maiden name, adding a third surname into the mix. It's only a name anyway-it's the strength of your family unit that counts

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