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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Did you fall in love with your compromise name?

35 replies

Foxtrot101 · 28/10/2022 19:37

To all of you who have a child with a name that was a compromise with your OH rather than being a name you loved - it happens often its part of adulting and marriage- personally I don't agree with the "you carried the baby you should get the name you want" standpoint. In reality the child will have a name that is the one we both agree on rather than that either of us absolutely love.
What I'd like to hear from parents with this same experience is, did you come to love the name, do you always feel a little sad /regretful about it, did it impact your bonding with the child, did you find yourself using the name so much but using pet names instead? Introducing the child and adding a comment about the name being a compromise? I know some of these scenarios are quite extreme but I am curious, particularly as my pregnancy hormones seem to be surging! 😭

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caitlinrose · 28/10/2022 19:58

Honestly, a compromise name is one that you both agree on. If you dislike the name so much that you think it might affect bonding with your baby then that's not a compromise, it's clearly a name you dislike.

I believe that both parents should pick the name together and really make an effort. But if they both have a favourite that the other person likes as well (even if it is not their favourite) I feel like the person who carries the baby, gives birth, has the risk of being injured, will (often) breastfeed, often face career disadvantages and do most of the childcare (and in most relationships it is still the woman, even in 2022) should have more of a say even though that doesn't mean that she can just pick any name, of course her partner should like it too. Then for the next child they can do it the other way around (with the mum still liking the name and being able to veto but the dad having more of a say).

I know lots and lots and lots of people (even my own age) who have zero contact with their dads after their parents divorced and no one who has lost contact with their mum. It's not the case in my family, thankfully, and I am not saying it will be the case in yours OP I am sure you will have a happy marriage, just a general observation. I am sometimes thinking about this as I am pregnant now and even though we are super happy we have quite a few female friends whose husbands or boyfriends insisted on a name and then a few months later that person wasn't in the child's life anymore and that really made me sad so it's a thought that sometimes comes to mind.

My husband and I have different styles yet we managed to come up with a list we both like and I'd genuinely be happy with these names. So I believe you will find a name you both like! Keep on searching and ask for help here, I'm sure people will be glad to help out.

My mum picked my name and my dad picked my sibling's (my mum did pick the middle name, though) and she didn't like it for quite a few months but thinks it suits my sibling now. They picked the name for my other sibling together. It hasn't affected bonding. My dad did tell my mum that if she really didn't warm up to it they would use the middle name, though. So there was that option. So I think that played a huge part because my mum didn't feel pressured into having to like it and didn't feel forced by her husband to use it. There was a plan B. I would recommend that to you as well.

I have international friends who are known by two completely different names because they have one German and one French name, for example. So they get called Frauke by their father's side of the family and Ludivine by the French side (random names as I don't want to write the real ones down). I also know a boy who had a very common name and was Jack within the family but always used his middle name at school and was known as Casper (again random name) among all of his peer. What I'm trying to say is before you pick a name you dislike give her a first name you like, a middle name your husband likes (or the other way around) and call her different names. Children are smart and it won't cause issues. When you think about it lots of people have several completely different nicknames, such as being called Alexandra and being known as Alex among her peers, as Alexandra among her grandparents, as Lexi at home and as Xandra at college. It happens and it works.

MossGrowsFat · 28/10/2022 20:01

Bit depressing but I agree with caitlin

Saying that on child no 3 I let DH choose and I really didn't like it but now it is my most favourite name and would be top of my list if I had to write one now.

Sparklythings1 · 28/10/2022 20:02

How much do you like the name out of 10 compared to your favourite one? If it’s not a lot then I’d say keep searching rather than going for something you aren’t set on

Sandysandwich · 28/10/2022 20:08

If you hate the name its not a good compromise.
We didn't use a name that I love for DS because a kid by that name bullied my partner for years.
Obviously we were not going to use it so we picked something we both liked. I was a little sad that I would never use the name but children grow into their names and the one we picked suits him perfectly.

IWishICouldDance · 28/10/2022 20:12

You pick a name you agree with and name your child that, I can't say I gave it a second thought. What you wrote all sounds very dramatic, once you've given your child the name that's their name. I can't say I "loved" any of the names out there, I liked some more than others obviously. We named all our children after they arrived, we never found out the sex so I didn't stew over names, we had no idea what to name the second and third child so they were no name for several days. Why not pick when the baby arrives?

spiderontheceiling · 28/10/2022 20:12

Both of the DC's names were a compromise but in the style/genre we both liked. A decade or so on and their names suit them perfectly and they both really like them.
By chance, if I'd got my way, DC1 and her best friend would have had the same first name and first initial of the surname which would have been a nightmare and DC2 would have been one of three in his primary school class despite it being relatively unusual (they would have been the only three in the entire school in 6 out of the 7 years DC2 has been there)

Annabananna1 · 28/10/2022 20:18

I can't remember why I let DH choose but he did. Liked the names but didn't love them I think. It didn't matter for long. Once your child has that name you will adore them and the name. I never really give their names a second thought. They are toddlers and primary age now.

It feels like a very big deal. But it isn't really.

MolliciousIntent · 28/10/2022 20:21

DD2 has a compromise name and I absolutely adore it. She's 8 months and I am so, so glad DH vetoed my first choice name. Her name is perfect for her. She's definitely not a Tallulah.

Swearwolf · 28/10/2022 20:54

Both of mine were a compromise. With dd her name was second choice for both of us (our first choices were also on each other's lists but further down) and now I absolutely love it and would happily put it as first choice.
DS, it was much more of a compromise as we had such wildly different taste in boys' names. It was one neither of us had on our original lists. Quite honestly, I still wouldn't put it as my favourite name out of context but it's his name and I'm so proud of him and who he is, so that doesn't matter.

CeeJay81 · 29/10/2022 09:29

My dhs dad died just before I was pregnant with ds, so henhadnhis heart set on naming him after his dad. It wasnt a name I'd have chose but his dad was a lovely person, so it fitted. I got to chose his middle name and luckily one of my favourite names worked really well with it. Then I got to chose my favourite name for dd(as he picked ds's) and it also worked well with one of the names he liked. So I guess that's compromise.. we picked a name each for each child. I'm happy with both their names. Couldn't imagine them as anything else.

SallyWD · 29/10/2022 13:32

My husband has dual nationality with 2 countries (one in Asia, one in southern Europe) and I'm British. I have a girl and a boy and in both cases we had to find a name that worked in 3 languages, that we both liked - very difficult! The names we chose weren't even in my top 50 names although I did like them. These names have become so associated with my children that I now absolutely love them. I can't think of the names without thinking of my children and all they mean to me. I can no longer see the names objectively.

RandomMess · 29/10/2022 13:33

Nope! Still don't love it and she's an adult now!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 29/10/2022 13:36

I didn't have to. Dh has.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/10/2022 13:45

My sons name was the one we both went 'yeah, that would be ok' about rather than one either of us loved. No regrets at all. I wouldn't say I 'love it', but i wouldn't say that about my daughters name which we were more enthusiastic about either! I love him, and i can't imagine him with a different name now, it's just part of who he is. I don't really use pet names or anything. I think once a name is attached to a person you love, it's part of them and you don't question it. I have a few nephews whose names I raised an eyebrow about when told them, but now I cant imagine them being called anything else.

However, if you feel so negatively about a name you really think it could harm your bond, or you would have to explain it when telling people , maybe that's not the right compromise!

Original poster

Foxtrot101 · 29/10/2022 18:56

Thanks to everyone who took time to reply and share their opinions and in particular their personal experiences. To be clear I'm not saying that I completely dislike the name, I don't, I just know I don't love it and would never have dreamt it would be the name for my son one day.
My questions were more prompts for what other peoples experiences may have been. You do read of people with name regret having a big impact but I know people often say this is actually more a symptom of PND than being about the name. I am being treated for pre-natal depression though so I guess I'm just worrying a lot more than your average.
I'm reassured by everyone that said the name becomes just the child that you love, that's what I hope for.
Thanks!

OP posts:

Beachs · 01/11/2022 17:53

I have PND and no I don't think I love her name. We call her by her nn and have her proper name on her bc. I find myself avoiding it, sometimes realising I've called her darling or sweetheart all day instead. But at the same time the proper name is growing on me rather than the nickname.

illiterato · 01/11/2022 17:56

The thing is you just don’t give it much thought after the first few months. It’s just what they’re called.

Newmum110 · 01/11/2022 19:19

Compromise name here and couldn't imagine my baby with a different name now. I just presumed he wouldn't go along with what I wanted so first couple of days of negotiations were horrible after long delivery etc. Completely irrelevant now though!!!!!!

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 01/11/2022 19:26

There was only one name that dh and I both vaguely liked for DD. It very quickly came to be "her" and I love it for that reason.

LightHousePanda · 02/11/2022 09:52

I'm not sure how much of a compromise it was as we did agree on a name when I was about 12 weeks pregnant so it wasn't one of those scenarios where the parents can't agree and are getting into arguments when the baby has already arrived. It wasn't my top choice though so we did compromise and I do really love the name now. It would seem weird to call him by another name.

ScruffMuffin · 02/11/2022 12:58

Neither of us was wild about each other's first choice of name, so we settled on the one that was 2nd on both of our lists. Yes, we do both now love it. I gave DD1 my favourite name as her middle name.

With DD2, we made a short list of names we both liked, and he let me choose her first name from the list. I then told her he could pick any middle name he wanted. He went for one of the 'filler' ones that I wouldn't have considered, but it's fine. Our DDs ended up with first names we both agreed on, and each parent got to pick a middle name.

ScruffMuffin · 02/11/2022 12:59

*told HIM!

AnnabelAmie · 02/11/2022 23:17

We used a compromise name for one of our children and I've been resentful ever since.
It wasn't the name I wanted, and I had reservations about it which I still have. I feel like my DH should have just let me choose as he isn't even that into names and would never have thought about it again.

I wouldn't say it affected bonding in the sense that I still adored my baby just the same, but it definitely overshadowed the whole first year. I kept wanting to change it until he was 13 months old and then gave up, but even now I often imagine him with the name I actually wanted.

Original poster

Foxtrot101 · 03/11/2022 05:08

Thanks for all the shared experiences, naming a human is so hard!! Especially at a highly emotional time!
I think @AnnabelAmie this is what I'm worried about, knowing I'm already suffering with pre-natal depression, but I also totally get what the majority of people are saying that the name just becomes them and you love them and stop thinking about it eventually.

OP posts:

sarahc336 · 03/11/2022 05:46

Yes for dd2 we went with a compromise and now I can't imagine her being called the name I originally wanted 😁

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