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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Baby name regret - one parent only

31 replies

LT2 · 02/08/2022 14:49

So I am suffering from PND so this is a contributing factor, but I keep obsessing over my baby's name. I feel as though the one we picked isn't 'him' for different reasons and like I've just gone off it. He's 6 months. I started feeling this way around 2 months ago and it hasn't gone away.
I have been in tears daily over this and it's all I think about from waking up to going to sleep! I have had trouble sleeping and little appetite.
I would change the name in a heartbeat but my partner loves his name. He has said I can change it, but I feel so much guilt (the name I want I've loved for years and we didn't go with it in the first place because DH didn't like it!). He didn't come up with any names. I thought of the one baby has at the minute. I feel as though we only chose it as it's the only one he said yes to.
What would you do? I don't know if I'll ever love this name for him and i feel regret I didn't use the one I had wanted for years.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wingingit33 · 02/08/2022 15:35

Do you have plans for anymore children? Could you save it for another boy if you have one?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/08/2022 15:38

If it's making you that unhappy I'd say change it do it very quickly though because very soon he'll know his name. I've often thought I wished have put more thought in myDD's name. I've got no regrets choosing and sticking with it though. Incidentally the name I was toying with changing it to is the actual name my DD has given to my new DGD. (Anyway that wasn't why you called)😂
You say you'd feel guilty on your partner for doing so, but let's keep in mind your partner from what I can see didn't study you by when he stopped you from using the name you wanted and just waded in there with his own choice.
A compromise is absolutely fine after all he may feel about your name choice the same way you feel about your baby's current name. Therefore I'd say you need to sit down together and discuss other name ideas that you both equally love.

Original poster

LT2 · 02/08/2022 17:28

@wingingit33 I could, but it troubles me that I don't love this name for my son. I thought I did but various reasons have made me go off it. I'd also always regret not using the name I've always loved if I didn't have another boy.
@Awwlookatmybabyspider I don't think I was very strong with voicing that I loved the name that much, which I regret very much. There doesn't seem to be a name we equally love. I do know that he won't feel as down as I do so maybe that answers what I need to do, but I still feel full of guilt (he tells me not to). It's so tough😔

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 02/08/2022 17:29

Can you add the name you love as a middle name?

ClocksGoingBackwards · 02/08/2022 17:31

This is a symptom of your PND.

You can’t make a decision as big as changing your baby’s name when you’re still suffering.

Original poster

LT2 · 02/08/2022 17:39

@BaronessBomburst unfortunately not, he already has 2 middle names.

@ClocksGoingBackwards yes. I do think the name regret maybe caused the PND though, rather than the other way around. I'm afraid that if I leave it he'll know his name and I'll live with the regret forever.

OP posts:

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 02/08/2022 18:15

Is your PND being treated?

Name regret can’t cause PND any more than it can break your arm. I am so sorry that you are so unwell at the moment but I promise you won’t always feel this way.

Original poster

LT2 · 02/08/2022 19:58

@ZoyaTheDestroyer yes, I'm on medication. There's just a few things about the name that puts me off (and negative opinions I've read on here - not sure why I looked the name up tbh!) That's why I think I feel the way I do, and it's snowballed. I don't worry about anything else to do with the baby.

OP posts:

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 20:00

What are the two names?

LeopardsAndPine · 02/08/2022 20:01

Can you tell us what the names are? Maybe we can help to reassure you?
I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this.

Original poster

LT2 · 02/08/2022 20:11

Pm'ing you both @MolliciousIntent and @LeopardsAndPine

OP posts:

salharg · 02/08/2022 20:11

I think I had baby name regret, the name I wanted for DD1, DP did not want but agreed I could use it if we ever went on to have DD2 as it had sentimental value. A family member on DP side went on to have a DD and picked the name knowing it was my choice for DD1

In short if you feel that strongly then change your sons name, I did not change DD name and so glad I did not as it suits her so much, I will however still be using the name I wanted for her for DD2 if there is ever a DD2

LeopardsAndPine · 02/08/2022 21:36

Hi, thanks for the PM. I can honestly say that I like both names!

I also think (and I hope you don’t mind me saying this on the thread) that I think they have quite a similar vibe . Neither of them are too out there, or too unusual or too common. (You’re not choosing between Rupert and Huxley or something!) So I don’t think that you’re condemning your son to stereotypes or a complicated life of spelling out his name or anything. Both names are good!

I think have another chat with DH and make it clear how much this is upsetting you. I really like the name you’ve used, but your first choice is a lovely name too!

I hope you start to feel happier soon. Do make sure that DH, friends, the Health Visitor (if they’re a helpful sort!) are aware of how you’re feeling x

KangarooKenny · 02/08/2022 21:40

I regret my DD1 middle name. My DH just suggested it, and I was so tired post birth that I just said yes. She is in her 20’s now and I’d never say anything because I’d hate her to know I don’t like it.
My advice is to change it now while DH agrees.But be sure you do actually want to change it, and it’s not the PND talking.

Luxa · 02/08/2022 21:54

How about you try calling him by the other name for a week and see how it goes?

Cindie943811A · 02/08/2022 22:04

OP I agree with @Luxa ‘s suggestion. Talk it over with your DH and then call DS the name you prefer temporarily. If it seems to suit him and you feel better about the situation then you can change the name officially — you have about another 6 months to make your final decision.
Good luck

Bunnygirl0 · 02/08/2022 22:06

Just wondering what hour names are ? I had this feeling for 2 of mine. One im
now glad I didn’t change and one I still wish I had. I have over time managed to accept it though. I hope you can too but keen to know if your sons name is the same as mine

Original poster

LT2 · 02/08/2022 22:46

@Luxa @Cindie943811A we have both been trialling the 'new' name on him for a while. Had another talk with DH tonight and he is adamant that he is fine with changing it. I know it's not just PND as I've loved the 'new' name for a long time. His name is just one that came to me one day during pregnancy (I blame hormones!)
@Bunnygirl0 I'll pm you

OP posts:

Orangemoons · 02/08/2022 23:29

What are the names? I had similar with my ds but with the spelling, and did change it in the end. I’m glad I did, but I was really obsessing over it and now I realize it was probably due to PND.

margegunderson · 03/08/2022 00:11

You know it's very easy to change the name before your baby is a year old? You could perhaps change it so your loved name is his first and the current name the middle so it kind of keeps everyone happy and he has a choice later if he decides he prefers his current name! If you're going to change it will be easier for him if you begin using the 'new' name now. Good luck with the PND - I do think this wouldn't be such an issue for you without it.

SummaLuvin · 03/08/2022 12:08

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. But you are in the position where you are unhappy with your babies name as you don't really like it, so I feel it would be unfair to go with the name you loved for years as you didn't choose as DH doesn't like it. Both parents should be happy with the name, unless your DH has changed his mind on it I think you need to find something new. There are some names I adore that my DH won't consider, and while disappointing for me, my feelings don't trump his and given I wish to veto any name I dislike from him I have to return the same back.

Might be an undertaking but could you each go through the top 50 or 100 boys names list from 2020 and mark each name you like then compare lists to see any matches. This might take the pressure off you suggesting all the names, as you say he hasn't been forthcoming with options, and get to a name you both agree on.

Original poster

LT2 · 03/08/2022 15:22

@SummaLuvin i get what you're saying, and that is what is stopping me from just changing it to that. I do also think a lot of couples let one choose for the first child and the other choose for the second, so I don't think it's that unusual for one parent to prefer the name and the other not. And I've also heard lots of people say their partner had their heart set on a name for years, so they let them have it. My partner says he doesn't mine the name now btw, but I can't tell if he's just saying that to make me happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

LT2 · 03/08/2022 15:47

@SummaLuvin also i haven't really gone into detail but it's more than just I've gone off the name. I'm thinking of the baby and especially when he's grown. I've seen the name being described as wet and girly on here so I keep feeling guilt and worry over that.

OP posts:

SummaLuvin · 03/08/2022 15:59

For me there is a distinction between both parents liking a name but with one one parent loving it more, vs one actively disliking it. I can understand your uncertainty with what has motivated your husbands change of heart on the name, I would be having doubts in your position, and I'm not really sure how you figure that out without laying it all on the table and insisting on compete openness.

With regards to people on this board giving the name a negative reception I would really try not to take that to heart.
One: no name will be universally loved, all will have plenty of people who thinks it's awful.
Two: people are on this board as they take an active interest in names, much more so than the average person so you don't get a true picture of what the general population think - for example Olivia and Amelia are always called boring and overdone, but they have been top names for 10+ years so this is clearly not how Joe Public feel.

Best of luck with your name journey.

Whatshallwecallher · 11/09/2022 17:24

Hi,
I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a hard time. I wanted to reply as I have a very similar story. I had a traumatic birth and felt very low during my pregnancy. We didn’t pick a name before the birth as I was finding it hard to find the ‘perfect’ name and my husband was just too laid back and not forthcoming with suggestions. Long story short I felt pressured to register the birth after 3 weeks and instantly regretted it. I hated saying it, other people saying it and seeing it written made me feel sick. I fell into a very dark hole and was diagnosed with PND. We eventually changed her name at 4 months and I’m so glad we did. My husband was very supportive and happy to change it. Changing her name formally really helped with recovering and moving on from all the anguish. I didn’t have it as a middle name. She is now 5 and I couldn’t love her name more. I hope that you’re receiving lots of support and whatever you decide to do you’re happy. Lots of love x

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