Holy moly we have a problem

[NCBabyNames]

Slight backstory. I was pregnant last year, due end of Jan 22, but sadly had to TFMR at 27 weeks. He was called Sebastian.

We have a 2.5 yo DD called Matilda.

Anyway - I'm now pregnant again, woohoo. I don't know the sex yet, but if it's a boy of course we can't use Sebastian.

DP randomly showed me a list of names he'd been saving, in the case that it's a boy. Please remember - he LOVED the name Sebastian.

This is his new list.

Hunter
Maverick
Neo
Storm
Axel
Kaleo
Kato
Brody
Cruze
Flint

What the actual... I mean what the actual!!!! Kaleo?? Cruze?!

I asked him where these had come from (after saying ummmm no...) and he has said he was trying to find names very unlike Sebastian.

For reference, this is the list I have been keeping:

Rupert
Alexander
Dominic (top choice) (Dom)
Finn
William (Bill / Billy)
Max
Frederic (Fred / Freddy)
Arlo
Rufus
Ralph
Hugh
Alexis
Hugo

HOW ARE WE ON SUCH DIFFERENT PAGES?!

Please pray that we have another girl.

If you like Finn and he likes Flint maybe you could try Flyn as an in-between?

A Flinn-between!

Sorry.

Your DP is up on his popular culture, isn't he? Is Kaleo the band (from Iceland) not famous in the UK? That's obviously where he heard it from.

I agree with a PP that surely Axel our thereabouts is a good compromise.

Hunter is a lovely name, the rest of his are not so good!
Sorry for your loss

Could you suggest using Alexander and having Axel or Xander as a nickname? Xander sounds like it might be up his street but isn't too wild, and you could call him a nn that you prefer. Alexander is so versatile.

Kaleo is a Hawaiian name (kaw-LEH-oh). I can see someone stumbling across it and liking it and thinking of using it much like other recently-popular-outside-of Hawaii Hawaiian names like Kai, Keanu, Lailani, etc. I wonder if what's making your husband love it is that it IS a classic, like Sebastian (in its own cultural context) but also something he never thought of before? The same thing could be true of some of the others, like Axel or Kato.

Perhaps all of his old favourite names (and yours, and the ones you both agreed on) are out of bounds for him because his context for any of those names is comparing them to Sebastian or putting them in sibset with Matilda? You have some time before deciding on a name, will he talk about how he's feeling?

I think you need a conversation about Sebastian, I understand your husband wanting to 'get away' from what must have been a horrible time for you both.

Why not think about acknowledging Sebastian if this baby is a boy? I don't mean reuse the name, but something like Benedict which means blessed or miracle.

There are quite a few names that mean 'brother'.

Luca / Lucas - bringer of light

I'm so sorry for your loss of Sebastian. I agree with waiting a bit longer to reflect and discuss names. Your DH's list is pretty much 'List of Invincible Men' and I totally understand his fear and wanting to do all he can to make his third child safe. This baby is also a new person in their own right whatever their birth order and whatever happened with their sibling. Hopefully as time passes it will all get a little easier to work out.

Maverick & he can't even blame baby hormones

This is outing so I have reverted to a very old username.

I have two children each born after miscarriages - which I recognise is not anywhere near as traumatic as your experience.

I went with meaning of names as a secret significance. My son is Benedict (blessing) as he is my little blessing, a ray of hope after the sadness. My daughter is Zoë (life) because she was a bright symbol of life.

I also had to call my son Benedict after the poem Benediction by Rabindranath Tragore. Your husband might find it healing or validating in some way?

"Bless this little heart, this white soul that has won the kiss of
heaven for our earth.
He loves the light of the sun, he loves the sight of his
mother's face.
He has not learned to despise the dust, and to hanker after
gold.
Clasp him to your heart and bless him.
He has come into this land of an hundred cross-roads.
I know not how he chose you from the crowd, came to your door,
and grasped you hand to ask his way.
He will follow you, laughing the talking, and not a doubt in
his heart.
Keep his trust, lead him straight and bless him.
Lay your hand on his head, and pray that though the waves
underneath grow threatening, yet the breath from above may come and
fill his sails and waft him to the heaven of peace.
Forget him not in your hurry, let him come to your heart and
bless him."

Axel makes me think of a car 🤨

You've shared a poem which tells OP to "Forget him?" Wow

I'm so sorry for the loss of Sebastian.

Your husband may well be scared of the past repeating itself so is choosing a name that almost isn't real if that makes sense, avoiding a true identity at this stage, might be his way of protecting himself.

I'm sure that a bit more time and a lot of talking and this will probably resolve itself.

Your names are all gorgeous.

WOT?!

The OPs husband has no actual names on list.

OP I just think you have to say to him you understand where he’s coming from but your child has to live with this name, so he needs to chuck that list away and start again. If he protests tell him to introduce himself as Maverick for the week and see how he likes it.

@clairewitchproject , that is beautiful. I love your names, gorgeous.
Benedict is a favourite of mine, as is Dominic and Tristan.

Sorry for your loss.

Your husband's namelist has classic names on it. Cruz (no e) is ordinary Spanish to the point of boring. Axel very ordinary in several European countries. Flint and Maverick sound Aussie to me.
Any conversation might best start with checking what they mean to him.
Best wishes for your new little one.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 💐

However, they are all dreadful names, including yours.

If you are intending to find out the sex, perhaps you could hold off on the name discussion until you know either way.

I asked him where these had come from (after saying ummmm no...) and he has said he was trying to find names very unlike Sebastian.

Suggest taking the conversation away from names just now and talk about what he's said here.

Sounds as though there are some feelings to be expressed about this baby and how he's feeling about the loss of Sebastian.

Ah thanks all! Yes, it was a horrible time and he was my little boy. I will never forget him.

A few points -

I completely and utterly understand where DP is coming from. He is quite private and didn't openly/publicly grieve at the time, but knowing him as well as I do, I know it really hurt him.
His names are SO different to Sebastian and SO different to our preferred girls' names (which are Nell, Tabitha, Edith and Eliza) that I knew something was going on.

I agree that I need to recognise this and be sensitive to it, whilst also not allowing him to persuade me to call our child Maverick :)

Our surname is Carty (well, it will be for the child and will be mine in June next year) so some of his names don't even flow with that (Kato Carty? Kaleo Carty?!) but this also means that some other names that I like would also not work (I really like Barty but I can't have a Barty Carty!!)

I appreciate that my preferred names are also stylised (although in a very different way to his) and won't be to everyone's taste! And that's ok. I don't want to please everyone with either of our lists... but I just can't get on board with his list at all! And I think that if a name is a no for either partner, it has to just be forgotten, rather than compromised on.

He is South African, which I guess is where some of these have come from (in terms of SA names sometimes being a bit more 'out there' in my eyes than UK names!).

Tristan is now also on the list. I had vetoed it previously as a very dear friend of mine has an exDH called Tristan (no abuse or anything, just a sad marriage breakdown), but I can't do that with all names otherwise I'll have none left. And I think Tristan Carty sounds nice.
Same with Felix - knew a little bugger of a Felix at secondary school, but that was 25 years ago, so maybe I should drop that!

Alexander / Alex / Xander / Axel (!) could work! I think Alexander is my second choice after Dominic so I could offer that (with nn Axel) an option... and then never call him Axel?!

Some of you have really made me laugh and some of you have really made me cry (in a lovely way, not a sad way, although kind of a sad way if you see what I mean).

We definitely don't need to make any decisions yet and it doesn't even need to be a conversation for another 5 months really. We just knew from the off with Matilda (we didn't find out the sex with her) that if she was a girl she'd be Matilda, and if she was a boy she'd be Sebastian, both of us agreed immediately that they were our names. So it's an interesting situation to be in!

Ah, bless you.
I'm glad you like Tristan. I do believe that was my suggestion. I love Alexander and I'm biased with Dominic ❤

How about

Rupert
Frederick
Philip
Benedict
William
Alexander
Edward
Theodore

Timothy

I know of a Maverick. He'll be 12-13 now, his parents thought Top gun wouldn't be a big thing in the future when they named him in 2009/10. Poor kid, but maybe he loves it?

Lili

Oh, wow.

I agree your list is much more compatible with Matilda, and much more similar to Sebastian than any of his names.

Have you showed him your list?

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

I love Brodie (with that spelling). It's popular here in Scotland and not weird or made up or anything.

From your list Finn, Max and Arlo seem the most like his style. hWat about Ethan? I feel like that's somewhere between you both.

DH and I had very, very different styles and took a long time to agree on names. Especially for boys. We used various naming apps that were like Tinder - you swipe left or right and see if you could get a match.