Baby name - deep anxiety 4 months in

[hellobab]

My baby turned 4 months this week, and I am suffering from pretty extreme anxiety about his name. It’s got to the stage where it feels like it’s taken over my life.

When my baby was born, I had a name that I felt a real connection with but my partner vetoed. After to-ing and fro-ing for 4 weeks, trying out a few names that didn’t feel quite right, we picked one on the way into the registry office, right at the last minute and with me feeling really stressed. It was the name we had kept coming back to - we tried it out first, but didn’t instantly feel like the one.

I had immediate regret, and since then have been looking for a better name to change it to. Since anxiety has really taken a hold of me, I feel like I can no longer judge what the right name is, or what I even like. I can’t trust my own judgement any more and don’t know my own mind. I’m totally obsessed with online name forums, you tube channels, internet searches and listening to other kids names in the playground. I think about this all day, every day.

We have a long list of 12-15 names but I literally CANNOT choose. We’ve tried out 8 or 9 names for a few days each, but none ever feel ‘right’. There’s a familiar pattern that I start off feeling positive - desperate to fix this - but after 4 or 5 days an allergic reaction creeps in and I
feel like I just can’t use it anymore. He has different names at baby groups all over town and with different people. I keep questioning everything.
Was the name we registered him with ‘meant to be’? Is it very obviously NOT meant to be? When did my anxiety start and when did I have a clear head - should i trust the name I put down in the registry office or move on?

My husband has now conceded to the original name I loved but I can’t even be sure I like that any more. It is a marmite name, and I don’t trust my pregnant self on it.

I feel incapable of choosing, committing or moving forward, yet desperate to resolve this as I know at 4 months babies start to recognise their names, so it’s really important for his development and socialisation.

Ive just finished a course of CBT with the NHS which didn’t help - I helped me see that from a rational POV this is crazy and illogical, but my emotional state / fear is still there. I’ve tried letting my husband choose but just can’t make peace with his decisions. Equally, I feel unable to make one myself. Trying to decide leads to really not just mental anxiety but super strong physical reaction too, with near panic attacks.

I have always been indecisive, and this has turned into anxiety over the last few years when it comes to life decisions about jobs or moving house - but this is next level. I know I need talking therapy long term, but need to fix this right now.

The feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing, embarrassment are intense - this has literally taken over my life. I cry most days, struggling to hide it from my 2 year old, who has definitely picked up on the background anxiety. I’m so petrified of getting it wrong that I’m frozen, and causing loads of damage in the meantime. I feel terrible about myself and this situation - had anyone experienced anything similar and can give me any hope / suggestions of a way out?

This is as you are aware, extreme. The issue is not your sons name, it's your mental health. Any name you chose will not fix this, and you need to speak urgently with your GP.
You're so stressed about finding a new one, it's making you physically ill. My personal opinion would be to keep the name. It's been 4 months and I believe any name you choose will have the same outcome, as it's not the name that's the issue. I'm not a GP, but this to me sounds like PND presenting in this way.
Please call them and make an urgent appointment

Completely ageee with @ladydimitrescu . This is post-natal anxiety/depression which needs medical help. The name is a red herring. Address your anxiety properly and the name issues will resolve themselves.

Yep, you need to contact your GP or HV on Monday.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to comment as I'm going through the same. I spend all day obsessing over his name, wondering whether I'd prefer him to be something else, and whether he'd prefer a different name. I'm in tears about it sometimes. He's 5 months. We chose the name early on in pregnancy, so it was chosen for many months, so I do wonder if PND is to blame. Do you think this is a possibility with you?
I wouldn't worry about baby recognising his name - talking to them in general is great. I know it's easier said than done to overthink though.

I don't know if it is helpful in taking the pressure off at all, but you cannot get it "wrong". He wasn't born with a secret "true" name that you have to somehow deduce. The right name is just whatever he's called. Plenty of babies are just given nice, serviceable names without the parents feeling like a lightening bolt has hit them with "the one".

The other replies are right. It doesn't sound like the "right" name will fix this.

Can you take some pressure off yourself by remembering that he will have a choice before too long anyway? I probably hundreds of people who go by a nickname or shortened version of their name; I know a few who go by a middle name; I know a few who habitually go by their last name; I know a few who changed their name at 16 or 18 or older. A name isn't fixed and forever. It is for this phase of his life, and if he wants to change or alter it, he'll let you know.

Hi @hellobab ,I looked on the other thread for an update, and am glad you started your own thread.

Hope you get to speak to your GP or medical professional tomorrow.

Oh love. Please talk to your GP on Monday. You don’t have to live like this.

I don't know if it is helpful in taking the pressure off at all, but you cannot get it "wrong". He wasn't born with a secret "true" name that you have to somehow deduce. The right name is just whatever he's called. Plenty of babies are just given nice, serviceable names without the parents feeling like a lightening bolt has hit them with "the one".

This 🖕🏻

So sorry you're feeling like this OP.

This kind of crippling indecision is absolutely horrible, I deeply empathise. Once you are in the paralysing grip of the overthinking and uncertainty it's very hard to get out.

I think you may feel paralysed because, as others have said, there is no ultimately 'right' answer and therefore no way to bring your thinking to a conclusive decision. At the same time as not knowing what name you 'should' choose (what does 'feeling right' actually look like?), it feels like a big responsibility. You might spend months more searching for the 'right' name and then your son might hate it (just to give one possible scenario). (Looked at from the other way round, he might love the name he currently has!)

Also, the fact that you have now invested so much in this decision probably makes it seem even more insurmountable - the stakes are higher than they were at the outset.

I suggest stepping away from the search for the right name for now and instead reassure yourself that there are other possible ways to get to a name you really like later on. e.g. could you give him another name as a nickname that becomes his everyday name, could you add a second middle name? Until when can you easily change his name (I think it is one year). What is the worst case scenario if you leave his name as it is?

I also wonder if choosing the name under time pressure contributed to your anguish about it now - you say you were highly stressed at the moment of choosing. Perhaps not being able to get the decision settled in your mind before registering the name is the real cause of the stress (rather than the choice of name itself).

For the indecisiveness in general it might help you to do some reading and research about decision-making to understand why some decisions are so difficult and what possible strategies you could use for future decisions. I have been recently listening to an interesting podcast about decision-making for example (Ask a Decision Engineer).

Finally, please take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up about this horrible situation. You have done and are doing your best and please know that in the grand scheme of things choosing a name that is less than perfect is not the worst thing that can happen to you or your child. Many people don't especially love their name but it doesn't blight their life.

The name will be fine.
And if you change it, it will be fine. People all over the place have different names and are lovely people.

Seek help on anxiety so you can focus on enjoying your beautiful children.

Thank you all so much for all of your help and kind words.
@Yika you’re absolutely right - it’s a horrible circular trap with no perfect answer and now we’re so deep in the stakes feel really high.
I feel like so scared to let him down with the first big responsibility I have as his mum, but finding the ‘right’ answer is literally impossible.

I had this with dd1, and called her ‘the baby’ for most of her life (she died when she was 1). I had severe pnd and didn’t know this was part of how it manifested for me. Not connecting with her name helped me not bond with her.

I have another friend who had a similar experience and changed her ds’s name after 6 months because the first name reminded her of dark times and her pnd.

Please get help from your GP, whether you keep or change the name. It will be ok.

I work in psychiatry and the feelings you are experiencing have nothing to do with your child's name, it is all consuming mental health and you really need to speak to your gp or hv to get you some much needed help xx

God bless you & trust the professionals, I know it can be horrifically scary xx good luck op x

Op I bet your dc has a lovely name.

Sending hugs. Went through similar and then second guessed every decision I made for years. My baby is now a teenager and her name is the least of my worries. My only suggestion is, have you tried finding something else to fix your mind onto? I used to read rose catalogues and it have my head a rest from the name thing. I hope you can give yourself some peace soon.

@Eek3under3 so sorry for your loss.

@Eek3under3 I’m truly so sorry to hear about your DD, that’s just so sad.

@CoopeyMum thank you - I will go back to the GP. I’ve not found them very helpful to date but you’ve made me realise I need to take responsibility for finding a better way in to get some support.

@SeanChailleach yes I absolutely need a new fixation…

It may be easier to speak with HV rather than GP.

Or alternatively, find your local crisis number.

Once again, good luck xx

I'm so sorry you are going through this, OP. I agree with other posters that you should seek some help as you should not be suffering like this.

I also experienced serious name regret in the postnatal period. I gave my DS a very popular name, and obsessed for months afterwards that I'd given him a dull name, that I'd chosen the wrong name etc etc. Round and round in circles. But he grew into it, and I can't imagine him being called anything else now. It's just not an issue now.

You are putting an impossible amount of pressure on yourself. Perfectionism does no good here because there is no perfect name - just lots of nice options xx

@hellobab I am going through exactly the same situation. It gave me hope that I am not alone. Are you over this phase or still struggling? I would love to know how you coped with the situation.

I am very late but faced the exact same situation (linked I think to a close friend dying two days before the birth). He’s now 4 and I’m honestly still not sure about his name! BUT I think I’m just about learning to let go and accept that the name is his now not mine. Pregnant again, due in 2 weeks and anxiety is back though :(

We could all tell you it's a great name but at the end of the day it won't matter, it's a type of pnd and you can get help. You'll be okay and the name won't matter in time

@Wombat222 being honest with you - I'm now 10 months in and still really suffering. Things have not been easy. It's not resolved.
My one bit of advice would be talk to a third party like a name consultant who can help facilitate a decision for you - and take some of the weight of responsibility from you. Help you turn off the washing machine in your brain! Just do it, don't wait for things to sort themselves out. Sending love xxx

@hellobab Sorry to know that you are still suffering. Did you take some treatment for PPA?

Let's hold each others hand and cross this river of anxiety together. We all know in our hearts that these types of thoughts don't have any realistic value. It's just our anxiety, hormones and exhaustion that are playing tricks with our brain. We are doing our best and we deserve best for ourselves too. Love..