Baby name - deep anxiety 4 months in

[hellobab]

My baby turned 4 months this week, and I am suffering from pretty extreme anxiety about his name. It’s got to the stage where it feels like it’s taken over my life.

When my baby was born, I had a name that I felt a real connection with but my partner vetoed. After to-ing and fro-ing for 4 weeks, trying out a few names that didn’t feel quite right, we picked one on the way into the registry office, right at the last minute and with me feeling really stressed. It was the name we had kept coming back to - we tried it out first, but didn’t instantly feel like the one.

I had immediate regret, and since then have been looking for a better name to change it to. Since anxiety has really taken a hold of me, I feel like I can no longer judge what the right name is, or what I even like. I can’t trust my own judgement any more and don’t know my own mind. I’m totally obsessed with online name forums, you tube channels, internet searches and listening to other kids names in the playground. I think about this all day, every day.

We have a long list of 12-15 names but I literally CANNOT choose. We’ve tried out 8 or 9 names for a few days each, but none ever feel ‘right’. There’s a familiar pattern that I start off feeling positive - desperate to fix this - but after 4 or 5 days an allergic reaction creeps in and I
feel like I just can’t use it anymore. He has different names at baby groups all over town and with different people. I keep questioning everything.
Was the name we registered him with ‘meant to be’? Is it very obviously NOT meant to be? When did my anxiety start and when did I have a clear head - should i trust the name I put down in the registry office or move on?

My husband has now conceded to the original name I loved but I can’t even be sure I like that any more. It is a marmite name, and I don’t trust my pregnant self on it.

I feel incapable of choosing, committing or moving forward, yet desperate to resolve this as I know at 4 months babies start to recognise their names, so it’s really important for his development and socialisation.

Ive just finished a course of CBT with the NHS which didn’t help - I helped me see that from a rational POV this is crazy and illogical, but my emotional state / fear is still there. I’ve tried letting my husband choose but just can’t make peace with his decisions. Equally, I feel unable to make one myself. Trying to decide leads to really not just mental anxiety but super strong physical reaction too, with near panic attacks.

I have always been indecisive, and this has turned into anxiety over the last few years when it comes to life decisions about jobs or moving house - but this is next level. I know I need talking therapy long term, but need to fix this right now.

The feelings of guilt, shame, self loathing, embarrassment are intense - this has literally taken over my life. I cry most days, struggling to hide it from my 2 year old, who has definitely picked up on the background anxiety. I’m so petrified of getting it wrong that I’m frozen, and causing loads of damage in the meantime. I feel terrible about myself and this situation - had anyone experienced anything similar and can give me any hope / suggestions of a way out?

Thank you! It’s happened again so I definitely need to x

And mumsnet baby name threads need to be avoided at all costs! I think they’re the cause of a lot of my anxiety - there isn’t a name that hasn’t been torn apart on there, people are brutal!

@Wombat222 congratulations on your baby and ignore baby names. Loads and loads of trolls go on there just to be a prick.

I'm sure you've picked a great name.

Well, I'm totally stuck.
10 months later, we've been using the original name because I've never been able to choose an alt that feels good enough - I've developed a real aversion to using a name full stop.
My partner has finally called time and he's right that this needs to end.
I still don't really love the original name, and struggle to introduce him as that. But choosing a new one still feels difficult to pinpoint - there's no clear 'best' option of the 5-6 names that have been circling around all year. It's also now like a real challenge for my 3 year old to move away from.

So I'm not sure whether to move away from the first name and get a fresh start (even if that feels tricky too, and will be challenging for our family), or stick to the old one - accepting I'll feel some pain, regret, and have to work very hard to learn to use it.

What a year.

I know this feeling well! I think stick with what you have unless you’re confident about another. There are no perfect names I am realising and the pressure just builds and builds. It’s so hard! I’ll always be in awe of anyone who confidently announces a name on the day of birth!

I hear you @Wombat222.
I'm worried I'll feel really triggered every time I look at him and it'll create a wedge between us though :(

I still can’t tell people the name sometimes but it has got easier with time and he has ‘become’ his name now he’s 4! Though it still makes me cringe 😂

It hasn’t affected bonding though so please don’t worry! What’s the name if you don’t mind me asking?

Hi!

How are things now with you and the name? Have you got any help with it? Reading your post was much like reading my own, except we have a girl. She's now 1 year 1 month and I still think about it every day and am reluctant to use her name. We chose an uncommon name in our country and people pronounce it differently than we originally thought. It makes me cringe every time I hear the 'wrong' pronounciation and it's a very common mistake, even people who know about our worries about it, call her that from time to time, I guess it just comes natural to our language but we didn't realise it before. And I dislike the other pronounciation very much. :D Correcting it all the time also feels silly as for others the difference is not that strong.. It's funny my sister had a very similar story and they eventually changed the name when the girl was around 2 (they kept the original name as a second name). Now she sometimes prefers to use the original name again. :D I'm very much stuck and need help also. Maybe we can somehow figure it out together. :D

Listen, mama. It's time to get real about your baby name obsession. Your mental health is affecting your child more than the name you give him. It's time to prioritize your baby's well-being over your own anxiety.