Is there a problem with not having the same surname as your child?

[Zazaz]

So my partner and I are not married and have a baby under 1. When I was pregnant we endlessly discussed what the baby's surname was going to be. I would have double barrelled but he was adamant we weren't going to do that - said child would be bullied / it's too posh / too long / our names don't go together very well. Etc etc. Anyway we didn't come to a conclusion and baby was born.

I was too engrossed in looking after him with lack of sleep etc to give it proper thought and we ended up registering baby with partners surname. I didn't really give it too much thought - I just thought it's nice that they have that connection and didn't think much more of it. Also, if we'd given baby my surname I didn't want people to assume he wasn't baby's father.

So anyway we registered it and this week I've got an appointment at the passport office to get baby's passport. BUT I'm suddenly having cold feet about baby having his surname and not mine. I'm feeling a bit sad about it.

I spoke to partner about this and to be fair I had gone along with it all along so this is out of the blue. But he said ok whatever change baby's name to your name. But he would be sad about it then.

The problem is we need the passport and I haven't got time to change the birth certificate now and I'm feeling regret already about not sharing a surname with baby.

I expect we will get married in the next couple of years but I'll keep my name as partners name doesn't go with my first name at all.

Aside from this feeling sad - are there any other reasons that it's a disadvantage for me to have a different surname to baby?

Anyone else in this situation managed to rationalize it and not feel sad?
Or should I postpone passport and think further? Reluctant to do this as we've fastracked it at great expense. I feel like I've run out of time now and it's something I'll always regret. :(

Get the passport done. You can still change the name at a later date if you both agree to it.

I felt this way when I got my baby's first passport and traveled with him without DP. DP had two children already and wanted them all to have the same name. I felt like it would be selfish to disagree. Now I think actually the children wouldn't have cared at all, but I'm the one who wishes my children had my name instead of becoming part of his dynasty 😂

The sting has gone out of it now. And I get to have a laugh because my DS pronounces his last name with an English accent (mine) so it sounds like a different name anyway!

I was a sahm for a couple of years and definitely felt a bit miffed when I was the one arranging all the appts, doing paperwork etc and having to always explain that my name was different or what my relationship to him was. Would have made more sense for him to have my name but I didn't go and change it in the end.

I did not change my name on marriage. My daughter has her father's name partly because I wanted her to have the same last name as her siblings- his two children from an earlier marriage.

She is my daughter. Nothing can change that.

I only ever had a problem when travelling back from the US. My DS was registered with my maiden name but I subsequently married his dad and changed my own name but not his. The US officials were concerned and asked him lots of questions (he was 7) - luckily we were travelling with my younger sister who shared his surname and they eventually accepted he was our son.

School was a pain, we were always referred to as Mr and Mrs DS, no matter how many times we corrected them, but that was a minor irritation. We always said he could change his name when he was 18 if he wanted to. He likes his name though and has kept it.

Add your surname too.

I have two surnames (as does every single person in Spanish-speaking countries) and I’m definitely not posh. I love having a name from each parent and I’ve never been bullied because of it.

I am quite old and the DC have my husband's surname as per tradition.I have never changed my surname and it has never been an issue.if I wasn't married the DC would have had my surname again, as per tradition. I can understand the argument for the DC all having the same surname, DC tend to like to 'belong' and don't like endless explanations.Imo , you agreed to this after discussion, it will be fine, put the issue behind you.

My ds has his father's surname , we are getting married this year and I'll take my dps name. I registered my son knowing that we wouldn't have different surnames for very long

OP it aounds like when you were pregnant/ post-childbirth you got bullied into giving your child your partner’s name even though you weren’t happy about it. If that’s the case you still have time to fix it, while he is under age one you can just correct the original birth certificate without needing to do a deed poll change (I think).

Personally I would give the child four names but without a hyphen eg John David Cadwallader White. So his surname is Cadwallader White but probably people refer to him just as John White.

Then when you marry you also take both names. You can refer to yourself as Mrs White or your original name Mrs Cadwallader but on legal forms you have both names.

Your husband to be can do whatever 🤷‍♀️ Sounds unlikely he’ll change his name.

That way your passport matches the baby’s passport and you don’t get immigration problems where you’re trying to prove its your child.

And remember you do not need your DO’s permission for this. YOU carried the baby for 9 months, you aren’t married, if you disagree on the baby’s name then YOU get then final say not him.

I did regret not giving them mine. But lately my 5 year old has been referring to herself with her last name as mine then her dad's, she's decided herself to hyphenate it. So maybe they'll choose to change themselves later.
No practical issues with it though. I think it's common enough these days to have parents with different surnames.

I gave my children their fathers surname as we were engaged at that point. We have since separated and I have double barrelled their surname via deed poll. It was really easy to do and I'm pleased I did it. It always bothered me when travelling etc and having to take extra paperwork.
My children like having both our surnames and proudly explain to people they are part mummy and part daddy. It makes sense.

Traditionally, babies always took their mother's surname.

If the mother was married and had taken her husband's surname the baby would have its father's surname.

It is a recent development that the baby takes the father's surname, even when the parents aren't married.

Double barrel the child's surname. Why would there be any bullying?

I had a child when married who has his dads surname then divorced, went back to my original name and then had another dc with dp and didn’t want to have the same name as dd but not ds so she has her dads name. So we have 3 surnames in our household of 4 🤪. Hasn’t caused any issues except that I’ve been called mrs exname for a few school and activity things for DS as they’ve assumed I have same name as him.

I don’t think it’s a problem, however the problem for me is that ex is absent so I don’t like dd having a surname of someone who she doesn’t see, and I’m often called mrs (exes name) which is irritating. Can’t change it as he is on the bc.

I married, didn’t change my name, and DC have DH’s name.

It’s usually fine, if irritating when I’m called Mrs DH’sName or Mrs MyName (I am
Ms MyName on every form ever).

But, travelling back solo from the USA I had to prove the DC were mine. Luckily I’d done the Notary Public letter plus copies of birth and marriage certificates thing, but they still asked the youngest DC lots of questions before letting us through passport control. So if I had the chance again, I would put my surname as a second middle name for the DC, to avoid that issue.

Thanks for the replies.

I've noticed in other threads it seems to be a Mumsnet "thing" that if you're an unmarried mother then your child must take your surname. So this got me a bit worried as I couldn't think of a reason apart from feeling sad to not share surname. But it sounds like there aren't really any legal implications of not sharing a surname? Or are there?
Just potential hassle at the airport?

We both kept our names. Our baby has my name as a middle name for all the travel-related reasons and dad’s name as their surname. Pretty sexist of us to go with his if I’m honest but there it is!

None of my friends have changed their names even after marriage or civil partnership (their kids either took mum or dad’s name - none double barrelled) so I don’t think this is rare or unusual anymore. It’s unlikely to cause confusion in this day and age unless you’re travelling somewhere super conservative.

That said, you are just as entitled as your partner to pass on your surname so stand your ground it it’s important to you!

I kept my surname and gave our children my husband's name. No regrets at all. I don't feel less close to them because we have different surnames.

As an aside my husband has been trying to get my daughter's passport renewed. I wouldn't have thought it would have made a difference but it's been a nightmare, because he made the application, and not me.

@Boating123 really sorry to hear that (it’s hard enough to renew at the moment) Also interested to learn more. Is this related to you having different names? Or is it because he’s dad and not mum? Awful either way but curious to learn more

DD has OH's surname, not just that but her full name is very English while mine is obviously foreign. Never had any issues travelling(and we travel on different passport too), with school, dentist,doctors, whatever form applications or registration.
OH did her passport application form and renewal so no idea how complicated that was, but since he hasn't moaned I assume it was pretty straightforward.

There is hassel at the airport. I have a half sibling 21 years younger than me and they have their fathers surname. I was travelling with them once and wasn't allowed through passport control and I couldn't prove I hadn't just picked them up off the street (they were 1 so not able to be questioned). I got aggy and said something along the lines of 'this is ridiculous I could easily be their mother and have a different surname, would you stop me travelling with them then?" the answer was absolutely yes!

Anywho I have a similar problem now because although I am married I don't particularly like DH surname and have avoided taking it but now we have a child on the way. No way of double barrelling it because both names are three syllables and would sound ridiculous so I might end up changing it.

The impression I get is because he is Dad and not mum.
So far this has been the process:
DH applied and got a neighbour to verify daughter is who she is.
Passport office then asked me to write to confirm I agree to getting the passport renewed.
Passport office then asked for verification to be redone.
Passport office then asked me to post proof of my ID so they can check my signature against the letter I posted.
It wasn't like this when I got her first passport 5 years ago.

I grew up with a different surname to my mum and it never caused any practical problems - no issues travelling, at school or doctors, etc. But of course it was a different time/place.

When it came to my DC I wanted them to share a surname with me, just for the emotional aspect. So we double barrelled and I couldn't be happier.

I often think people balk at the first suggestion of a double barrel but they just need to get used to the idea/sound. Very few combos actually sound bad together, imo. And it's definitely not just a posh thing anymore!

I'd change it to a double barrel if I were you, OP.

I am the only person in my house with my surname and I like the individuality of it😊I do not regret it at all. It hasn't caused any sort of issue with anything important either. You will get used to it.

My children don't have my surname. It makes no practical difference to our lives.
I am married to their father though, and I think you should consider that for your own financial security.

DC and I have different names. It has never bothered me - in fact I think it makes them more aware that I have a name and a distinct family background too. I would suggest taking birth cert on holiday with you though - DS2 was asked questions last time I travelled alone with him overseas (only a few questions and we were together in the passport queue the whole time, so not scary or anything).