Is there a problem with not having the same surname as your child?

[Zazaz]

So my partner and I are not married and have a baby under 1. When I was pregnant we endlessly discussed what the baby's surname was going to be. I would have double barrelled but he was adamant we weren't going to do that - said child would be bullied / it's too posh / too long / our names don't go together very well. Etc etc. Anyway we didn't come to a conclusion and baby was born.

I was too engrossed in looking after him with lack of sleep etc to give it proper thought and we ended up registering baby with partners surname. I didn't really give it too much thought - I just thought it's nice that they have that connection and didn't think much more of it. Also, if we'd given baby my surname I didn't want people to assume he wasn't baby's father.

So anyway we registered it and this week I've got an appointment at the passport office to get baby's passport. BUT I'm suddenly having cold feet about baby having his surname and not mine. I'm feeling a bit sad about it.

I spoke to partner about this and to be fair I had gone along with it all along so this is out of the blue. But he said ok whatever change baby's name to your name. But he would be sad about it then.

The problem is we need the passport and I haven't got time to change the birth certificate now and I'm feeling regret already about not sharing a surname with baby.

I expect we will get married in the next couple of years but I'll keep my name as partners name doesn't go with my first name at all.

Aside from this feeling sad - are there any other reasons that it's a disadvantage for me to have a different surname to baby?

Anyone else in this situation managed to rationalize it and not feel sad?
Or should I postpone passport and think further? Reluctant to do this as we've fastracked it at great expense. I feel like I've run out of time now and it's something I'll always regret. :(

It's weirdly reassuring that an abusive ex partner father couldn't just renew the passport without the mother's permission though

Even though it does sound like a massive pain

I’ve got two children (different fathers) and each had their father’s surname.

Occasionally I feel a bit miffed about eldest having a name I associate with the ex (especially as he has low involvement), and it’s a shame the children don’t have the same surname as they are very close. But other than that it doesn’t cause any practical issues. I always take a copy of their birth certificates when I travel but have never needed to show them.

Drs / schools etc are used to parents and children having different names. I think it’s much more common, and less of an issue, than mumsnet would have you believe.

Get the passport; you need it now.
Children’s passports are only valid for 5 years. If you change your mind/name/child’s name etc, you’ll have an opportunity to change the passport again soon enough.

Not a problem at all.

My 3 DC have DP's surname

DC3 is disabled (so we have a lot of appointments and paperwork etc) and it's never been an issue that she and I have different surnames. Never had an issue with travelling either.

I'd give the child your surname and change it if you marry your partner later. Either that or double barrel. Could you and your partner merge your names so that you all have the same name? Ie. Morgan-Johnson could be Monson or Jorgan. (I don't know anyone who's done that but have read about it)

@axolotlfloof what financial security are you talking about? Since you are married don’t you end up splitting half anyway? I’m curious

Your child can have two surnames legally even if they are only referred to by one the majority of the time. I’d just add yours.

I never had an issue with DD1 having a different surname but then I never travelled without DH. DH and I got married when DD was 4 and now all have the same name.

My DC and I had different surnames for a while after I reverted to my maiden name on separation. We never had any trouble travelling to the US together with different names, noone even mentioned it, maybe because we look very alike? Who knows!

When she was 12 she decided to double barrel her name so she has the surnames of both her parents. To her it makes perfect sense. I was very touched by her decision as I had never mentioned it.

Your husband could change his. (Contrary to popular belief, his balls won’t fall off if he does.)

@OneMoreTime23 he could but he doesn't want to double barrel his surname because he has 2 middle names (one of which is also 3 syllables) so he'd have a ridiculously long name. His surname is also particularly popular/tied to the country his grandparents emigrated from and he'd like to keep that as part of his identity. Also, as much as I don't want to change my name, he doesn't want to change his. He's not forcing me to, it doesn't bother him at all. It's a non issue really. He's not some patriarchal ken thinking his balls will fall off, he has valid reasons equal to mine.

I'll warn you now, you can't change the birth certificate to the mother's name - although you could to the father's name. I know this because I'd given my eldest ex's surname, and was planning to give youngest mine, but got cold feet, worried DS1 would feel left out, and gave DS2 ex's name too.

Within weeks, I realised that DS1 didn't care, and wanted to change DS2's surname to mine, filed all the paperwork as if I were changing to the father's name (there's a procedure for this) - only to be told that was a 'courtesy' rather than a rule, and that they wouldn't do it for mothers, only fathers. The only solution would be for ex to change his name to mine, then get the birth certificate changed, then ex could change his back - which is obviously ridiculous, so I just deed-polled DS2's name to mine, got his passport etc. and it's all been fine since - although the birth certificate being in ex's name still grates a bit.

I have no trouble travelling with them, or doing any of the other day to day stuff. I sometimes get questions about their fathers, since they do look totally different to each other, but I couldn't care less about that.

My boys have DH's surname and I have my own, it has never occurred to me to be sad about it or even to think about it. They are late teens now. There has never been anyone who has questioned it and it has never caused any issue whatsoever - but I have never taken them abroad without DH so I wouldn't know about that.

Add your surname too. Either two surnames or as a second middle name.

I did this as it's particularly useful when traveling.