Lesbian parents trying to choose baby's surname

[Ooja]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have begun the process of IVF with the hope of expanding our family. One important question has left us undecided so we thought we should bring it to the polls... Our children to be will need a surname... We think our surnames together are a bit of a mouthful... or are they? Our surnames are Denvir (pronounced Denver) and Rutherford... what do people think? which one is better (we've already decided neither of us will take offence) or do you think they work well together? We've thought about mixing them together, but we don't really like Denford or Ruthervir. All opinions welcome

I have two surnames (not hyphened) so my vote goes to keeping both. I go by my first surname on a day-to-day basis, so you could choose one of them to use regularly, but keep both on school records, legal documents, etc. It’s what all Spanish-speaking countries do and it only took a bit of explaining when I moved to England…

*Denvir whoever has that surname must get autocorrected all the time!

@barrawarra i agree, no strong feelings but inevitably the child grows up and chooses one. Either the side of the family that has supported them, or the surname that people use/assume is the main surname or the one they prefer the sound of.

But Denvr - Rutherford is not the clunkiest combination of names ive heard. Sometimes it sounds awful. Like if the surnames are a bit similar. Cooper-Carter for example. Ridiculous. Or Bryan-Ryan.
It's lucky that Denvr-Rutherford sounds good.

Just have both.
I have a feeling that Margot Denvir Rutherford would be a force to reckon with!

@Barrawarra

I don’t want to offend anyone, just an opinion, but I think double barrelled surnames are not a great solution. What happens when they get married to another doubler? And they are soooo long! And I would not share the view that posh and distinguished is the look I am going for - but of course each to their own. In your situation I think I’d prefer the brand new name of both your choosing. Or both names are fine - maybe pick first name and see which fits, if you don’t mind?

I was actually thinking that for once we weren’t going to have someone faux-worrying about the next generation, and what happens when they marry another double-surnames person, but ah well.

I agree with the majority views that Denvir Rutherford go very well together. Hypenated or not.

We also gave our kids both surnames, no hyphen, so they had both options to choose from as they grow. Our only decision was which way round to put them, based on which sounded better.

@rossnagoose well as the mother of an 18 year old who decided to change her surname by deedpoll, The Next Generation comes quicker than you think.
The OP wanted a range of opinions I'm sure. A couple of people mentioning future potential repercussions of double-barrelling shouldn't bother you on a balanced discussion with pros and cons.

Everybody has two surnames in Spain, and each parent then passes one down to their children. This has been the case for centuries. It was traditionally the father’s surname being passed down, but nowadays people choose either one. You also choose the order in which they go, which is important as kids will be known by their first surname 90% of the time. Nobody gets offended, no extended family comments, and no one asks themselves ‘what will happen when they have children with another two-surname person’.

Yeah I’m not at all worried about it, like I say everyone does what think works, I took my husbands surname against my feminist values but it was my decision and I am happy with it, feel free to have an opinion on that. I personally think double barrelling unless you are the viscount of Dorchester feels a bit daft - others don’t agree and the world moves on.

I was just watching some content by the lesbian Youtubers Rose Dix and Rosie Spaughton. They have combined their surnames to make a married name - "Daughton" - which their son, Ziggy, has too. I think it's a nicer name than either of their original ones.

Could you do something similar too? Denverford? Rutherden?

[quote UserBot9to5]@rossnagoose well as the mother of an 18 year old who decided to change her surname by deedpoll, The Next Generation comes quicker than you think.
The OP wanted a range of opinions I'm sure. A couple of people mentioning future potential repercussions of double-barrelling shouldn't bother you on a balanced discussion with pros and cons.[/quote]
It doesn’t bother me as such, it’s just that it comes up, usually multiple times, on every single thread about using two surnames, and is generally said with the kind of ‘Aha! Gotcha!’ air of someone who appears to genuinely think this is both an original insight and a total clincher. Often allied to either ‘it’s chavvy because it suggests the parents aren’t married’ or, alternatively, ‘It’s wannabe posh and try-hard.’

I like them together!

Thank you all for your thoughts.... double barreling it is definitely feeling like more of an option now considering all your lovely comments.

Your surnames sounds really nice double barrelled! My wife and mine did not 😂 ended up choosing one. Whichever you choose will be great. Good luck with your treatment! 😊

DP is a man but for both of us it was not automatic that DD would take his name - we couldn't think of a particularly good reason for it to be one over the other (and hated the sound of our names double-barrelled). So we flipped a coin. Had a little ceremony in the park with cake, got a friend to do the coin flip. Seemed as reasonable an approach as any, if you don't want to double barrel and don't have a strong preference for one name over the other

Tbh I disagree with most posters on here, I think Denvir-Rutherford is quite a mouthful and sounds a bit posh (fine if that's what you're going for though).

I would pick one or the other, it is easier for the child also to have one surname.

I'm heterosexual but not taking my partner's name when we marry. Our child will have his name if a boy, mine if a girl. You could do something like that?

Otherwise you could have Denvir as a middle name. Rutherford sounds a bit strange as a middle name to me - sounds more like a surname.

Double barrelling is quite tacky. Also you are just passing the problem on. What surname will your kid's kid have if they marry someone with equally indecisive parents.
Denvir is rarer, Rutherford easier.

I was actually thinking that for once we weren’t going to have someone faux-worrying about the next generation, and what happens when they marry another double-surnames person, but ah well

@Rossnagoose Each to their own but that is a perfectly valid concern, and is one of the reasons we won't double barrel.

I think that's a really cool surname 👍

If I was in this situation I would choose a new surname that is meaningful to you both, and both of you change your surnames to double-barrel with that, and give the child that surname alone.

e.g. if the "meaningful to you both" might be something like "Bookly" as an acknowledgement of your shared love of reading
Guessing some names at random:
You: Jane Denvir-Bookly
Your wife: Liz Rutherford-Bookly
Your child: Callum Bookly

The problem with double-barrelling your two names is that it isn't something that can continue down the generations - your child with a double-barrelled surname isn't going to be able to combine their two surnames with their spouse's possibly 2 surnames ad infinitum. So this method allows the same technique to be used by each generation in a meaningful way.

I'd double barrel it even if you end up dropping one half for day to day purposes.

I know a couple of people who are called something like Jane Smith-Brown officially but go by Jane Brown for most purposes. In both cases it's the second half which has been kept and the first half which has been dropped but there's no hard and fast rule.

Denvir-Rutherford sounds better than Rutherford-Denvir in my opinion.

I would double barrel all of you. So you all have Denvir-Rutherford as your surnames.

I’d double barrel it, , say “Victoria Denvir-Rutherford” - I like it. Sounds grand.

I love Denvir-Rutherford. I would both change your names to it by deed poll too (because it’s really cool ).

I would double barrel all of your names