Would you use a name with very strong associations in your DP's family?

[Glitterygreen]

A couple of years ago, prior to pregnancy, DP and I discussed a girl's name that we liked - I actually brought it up and he absolutely loved it as it was his nan's name and he was very close to her. It was just a random conversation in passing so was left at that.

I never met his nan (she died about 15 years ago) but she is a very strong presence still in his family - often talked about and most of my DP's happy memories of childhood include her and his grandad as he spent lots of time with them. I won't say the name as it's quite outing - it's relatively rare but is gaining popularity currently. It's quite a traditional, old-fashioned name.

The problem is I am now (quite newly) pregnant and DP is sort of wedded to that name, whereas I am not sure I'm as keen as I was. I think it's a truly lovely name but now it could become reality I'm just not feeling as much of a connection to it as the name I'd want to give my own baby. There are others that I prefer.

I am also very conscious that DP's family will 100% think he has chosen it in tribute to his nan, even though it was my suggestion originally, and will assume I've had nothing to do with it. I'm not comfortable with the thought of MIL going around telling all her friends and family that DP has named his baby after her mother, how sweet, etc etc.

As I said, it's a very pretty name and I know I'd think it was lovely on someone else's little girl, but I am just not sure for my own. Partially because of the above, but also because it doesn't shorten well - the usual shortened version is very "old lady", but I have a feeling DP's family will end up shortening it to exactly what they all called his nan as well, which is slightly different but which I also wouldn't really want (though totally appreciate you can't control how a name is shortened by others).

So I'm just wondering...would you be happy to use a name with such strong associations within your DP's family, but nothing for you?

All theoretical obvs as it's early days and also may not even be a girl. But just wondering how others would feel on this. I am just conscious that the longer it remains on the list, the more DP will set his heart on it. And I just can't decide if I like it enough, but more to the point if I'm comfortable with how much his family will adopt it and love it as a tribute.

No, in general in part because DP's family have the greyest names possible but I wouldn't in your specific case either. I don't like the habit of calling babies after dead relatives, and I'd hate to have a short form I didn't like forced upon me because an entire family thought I was naming my baby after a dead relative I'd never met, and maybe would have been far less keen on than they were if I had.

Your DH will have to 'unwed' himself from the name. Both parents need to agree.

I'm quite a fan of family names but if you aren't married I would definitely not use his surname. So Nansname Yourname. I wouldn't mind what his family thought I would know to my self that it was a favourite name of mine and that it pleased my DH.

Is this for a first name or a middle? For a first name, if you don’t like the name any more then you don’t have to use it. Personally I’m not a fan of using family names in the first name spot anyway. I prefer to give a child a new name that is all theirs, then put family names in the middle - though obviously everyone has a different opinion on that.

For a middle name I’d try to compromise. Could you add an extra middle name so you child has one from each side of the family?

No, I wouldn’t personally based on what you’ve described. Would be different if you were also close to his nan and you were deliberately naming the baby after her, which isn’t the case here.

Now you’re actually having a baby I think you should both approach names with a clean slate - all suggestions are on the table to be considered. And this name should be considered as one suggestion amongst others, not a “done deal”.

Keep it on the list. You liked it well enough a while ago, you might find yourself liking it again.

Tell your DP that you like it but you're not totally sure it's The One and you want to keep thinking and want you both to keep coming up with ideas

You could always stick it in the middle

But keep hold of the thought that you don't have to decide now. And what his family think of it really does not matter

would you be happy to use a name with such strong associations within your DP's family, but nothing for you?
If it had no connection to me, and I wasn't fond of it, then no I wouldn't be happy. But if I loved the name, I wouldn't be put off because it has an extra layer for my DH, that would be a bonus for me.

I am also very conscious that DP's family will 100% think he has chosen it in tribute to his nan
Is that wrong though? You might have initially suggested it, but the support he has given the name is because to him it is tribute, doesn't mean it has to be one from you, but to him and his family it will be.

I don't really understand why you are against the idea of him honouring his nan with a name you also really like. It is really a win win as far as I can see providing you like the name, it only seems you're going off it as it means a lot to him. If you are genuinely going cold on it, then don't use it, that wouldn't be fair, but let him know early that you want to consider other names.

It’s sounds like the perfect name to me? Something you independently like that will thrill your DP’s whole family and make your daughter feel very connected to an ancestor who sounded like a lovely woman?

If my DPs grandmothers name was also one of my favourite names, I would hesitate to call her that and I would also happily let people think the reason was because we were naming her after the grandmother, just to get all the undeserved brownie points

Thanks everyone - at the moment it's very much as you've suggested @AuntieStella - I have been clear it's a maybe for me and haven't ruled it out as I do like the name itself.

This would be as a first name. I would actually be happy to have it as a middle name as a total tribute to his nan as I don't think his family would make such a fuss over it then. The only thing that slightly holds me back from this is that randomly it's also my sister's preferred name for a girl so I wouldn't like to 'use it up' as a middle name. But equally she may not have children any time soon, may not have a girl, may go off the name, her DH might not like it, she may not mind re-using it etc. So not a major concern. I'd be quite happy with it as a middle name.

*wouldn’t hesitate rather!!

I completely fail to understand why you should have an issue that your DP family would think you chose the name as it was the nan’s name nor why it should be any issue at all as a possible tribute. What on earth is wrong with that? It is actually a nice thing to do. A loving thing to remember someone who meant so much to your DP. Frankly if it were a name I liked (even just thought maybe) and meant so much to my DP, of course I’d be willing to use it. What does it matter that you suggested it first without knowing it was nan’s name or if your DP suggested it first? I’d have thought that would be a positive coincidence that you both like the name.

Maybe just say you definitely love the name as either a first or middle name but keen to keep brainstorming incase a new name comes up or a better mix with this name as middle name then?

I don't think you using it as a middle name would affect your sister using it, for a start. None of her partner's family/friends need even know you'd used it, and you using it as a 'family name' on your DP's side kind of neutralises the 'using it up' I think? Like, if his nan had a differnet name, baby would have carried that?

DEFINITELY not first name - tell your DP now, so he can get used to it. You need to be 100% on the name and feel it's really 'yours' - I can see how the name immediately being 'taken over' as coming completely from him and not you would really upset me. No no no. Also the nickname thing. It's not going to work!

Yes, if you're not married - your surname!!

I'd use it as a middle name if you don't love it enough to be a first name.

My DS1 has 2 middle names, one of my Grandads and one of his Dad's Grandads (who I never met). I have, more than once had comments about how awful one of those names is. I think I was 10-15 years ahead of the "old man" name trend.

I think there's something a bit odd about you being against the name for the reason that your in laws might mistakenly think your DP chose it in tribute to his nan. I get it if it's just about you going off the name, but I don't get the sense that's the issue. Is there a backstory? It sounds like you don't want them to have the 'satisfaction', even potentially at the risk of cutting off your own nose to spite your face?

@SummaLuvin It's not that it means a lot to him that is putting me off, but more the emphasis that his family - MIL in particular - will put on the fact that it is her mother's name.

I know she will tell everyone who will listen that DP chose this name as he was so close to his nan and loved her so much, and I can also see her using the nickname that they all used to call his nan. I think I'm just not comfortable with the amount of ownership his side of the family (and MIL in particular) will feel over the use of this name. I just feel like they will consider it to completely come from DP and I will feel quite pushed out, if that makes any sense?

BUT I am also aware that I do like the name so I won't be ruling it out just yet. It's just whether I could feel comfortable given the above tbh - I'm just not sure I could.

@ludocris No no backstory or issues - I am very fond of his family and we get on well.

DEFINITELY not first name - tell your DP now, so he can get used to it. You need to be 100% on the name and feel it's really 'yours' - I can see how the name immediately being 'taken over' as coming completely from him and not you would really upset me. No no no. Also the nickname thing. It's not going to work!

Yes, this I how I feel. I just think his whole family will think he made the decision and I just agreed.

Just to clarify - it is not my favourite name and if I was naming the baby alone I wouldn't use it, so I wouldn't consider it to be cutting off my nose to spite my face if we didn't choose it.

But it is a name I like so I don't want to rule it out purely due to the strong connotations on his side.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I love a name that is really similar to MIL’s name (eg Anna and MIL’s name is Anne) but I’m not sure I want to name my baby after MIL! Are there any other names you both like? Using this name as a middle name could work I think, and it would be ok to use it as a middle and your sister to use it as a first.

Our DD's middle name is a nickname/shortened version of DP's nan's full name but she was commonly known as that name. It was my idea to give her that name as DP was close to his nan. But I wouldn't have it as her first name as I wouldn't want her constantly getting the 'oh just like your great nan, you're named after her blah blah..', at least with a middle name you know it's there but it isn't really used

I think you're overthinking it. It seems like you want it to be clear what your creative input has been and have ownership over the name but babies grow into their names and soon enough it won't matter who thought of it/wanted it most for whatever reason, it'd just be their name. HOWEVER, if like it but aren't you're not sold on it keep it on the list as a possible or middle name and let your OH know it's not your firm favourite.

DEFINITELY not first name - tell your DP now, so he can get used to it. You need to be 100% on the name and feel it's really 'yours'
Not sure I totally agree with this. There's usually going to have to be a little bit of compromise somewhere, and you might not both be 100% on the eventual name but rather it's the one you're most agreed on. Neither of my DC have either mine or DH's first choice names.

Eurgh, bold fail in my attempt to quote above

I agree with other posters that I think you're thinking too short term, and that it's actually a lovely thing that you've found a name you really like, and he is emotionally attached to.

My son is named 'Charles' because we liked the name, but it helped that my Grandad is Charlie. My husband stresses to my family that's not WHY we chose the name, but it really doesn't matter - it's a great name. And now he's five, my little boy loves his connection to his Grandad. As a compromise, I gave my husband his nickname, which is something ridiculous - think Hercules.

If we'd have had a girl, she would have been Gwen - a name I love, but is after my husband's dead nan. So almost exactly your situation. So clearly we like names with family history....

But you've got some time, and you do have to be sure. Keep brainstorming and maybe you'll come up with something you both love even more.

We chose a name for DD2, which turned out to be DH’s late grandmother’s name. He only knew her as”Granny”, and was surprised when his elderly aunt told him!
We slightly altered it to the Dutch version of the name by the time DD was born - the other half of DH’s family are Dutch - and it just made it different enough. Her middle name came from his English family’s Latin motto.

My dd2 has his Grandma's first name as a first name. But G"ma was always known by her middle name, though she secretly preferred her first name and would let people like the nurses when she was in hospital use it!

We'd decided to use that name if she was a girl (she's 18 now, there wasn't much finding out the sex back then) and then G'ma died 3 weeks before dd2 was born. The last tim3 we saw her (we live a long way from dh's home) we told her we were going to use her name and she smiled, apparently the last time she showed much emotion. Dd2 has my Gran's name as a middle name, and she loves it.

Dd1 - oldest child - has 2 names we just loved. No family connection at all.

Ds - middle child - has his own first name but 2 middle names, dh's Grandpa and my dad.