Would you use a name with very strong associations in your DP's family?

[Glitterygreen]

A couple of years ago, prior to pregnancy, DP and I discussed a girl's name that we liked - I actually brought it up and he absolutely loved it as it was his nan's name and he was very close to her. It was just a random conversation in passing so was left at that.

I never met his nan (she died about 15 years ago) but she is a very strong presence still in his family - often talked about and most of my DP's happy memories of childhood include her and his grandad as he spent lots of time with them. I won't say the name as it's quite outing - it's relatively rare but is gaining popularity currently. It's quite a traditional, old-fashioned name.

The problem is I am now (quite newly) pregnant and DP is sort of wedded to that name, whereas I am not sure I'm as keen as I was. I think it's a truly lovely name but now it could become reality I'm just not feeling as much of a connection to it as the name I'd want to give my own baby. There are others that I prefer.

I am also very conscious that DP's family will 100% think he has chosen it in tribute to his nan, even though it was my suggestion originally, and will assume I've had nothing to do with it. I'm not comfortable with the thought of MIL going around telling all her friends and family that DP has named his baby after her mother, how sweet, etc etc.

As I said, it's a very pretty name and I know I'd think it was lovely on someone else's little girl, but I am just not sure for my own. Partially because of the above, but also because it doesn't shorten well - the usual shortened version is very "old lady", but I have a feeling DP's family will end up shortening it to exactly what they all called his nan as well, which is slightly different but which I also wouldn't really want (though totally appreciate you can't control how a name is shortened by others).

So I'm just wondering...would you be happy to use a name with such strong associations within your DP's family, but nothing for you?

All theoretical obvs as it's early days and also may not even be a girl. But just wondering how others would feel on this. I am just conscious that the longer it remains on the list, the more DP will set his heart on it. And I just can't decide if I like it enough, but more to the point if I'm comfortable with how much his family will adopt it and love it as a tribute.

I’m a big fan of family names, I only ever had one name in mind for my first DD, my Nans name, I didn’t care what my DH (DP at the time said) I was having it. Turned out he liked it anyway. She has my Nans first name and his Grandmothers name as her middle. I also have 2 aunties and a cousin with her first name, plus it’s also one of my names, I have both my grandmothers names as middle names. My mum is known by her middle name, which is my DDs middle name, my mum thinks it after her but it’s not, it’s after DHs gran, I don’t care she can think what she likes, I also have an aunt with the same name and DHs sister.

My second DDs middle name is after DHs DM who passed away before I knew her, it’s also my mums first name and I don’t even like my mum but it was important to my DH for one of our DDs to have his mums name. The name is also the middle name of both mine and DHs nieces as they have all given middle names after grandmothers who just happen to have the same name on both sides of the family.

I think your hung up too much on your DPs family and mil. Maybe use it as a middle name or just correct mil openly if she says anything. Nobody ever says anything in mine or DHs family, when my aunts found out my first DDs name they just laughed and said we weren’t surprised as they all knew how much I loved my Nan. My DH would never have dreamed of taking it away from me, I would have broken up with him if he had. I was happy to compromise on our other DDs names but not my first, I’d had my heart set on that one name since I was young. It helps that the name also very much suits my dd.

See I don't think OP is overthinking it at all.

She gets on with her ILs which is fab. But, we all know how fraught things can get when a baby comes along. There's always some jostling and friction as everyone (hopefully) settles into their new 'positions'. Matriarch mum becomes granny who very much isn't in charge of the children of the family any more. 'Outsider' DIL becomes the core of the new nuclear family where the grandchildren are. People who have up til now had no challenge to their established family roles have to adjust to new patterns. Sometimes it can get very fraught and it's hardest between the family members who aren't from the same nuclear original family... it's usually DIL and MIL.

If OP has an inkling that using a family name linked most strongly to MIL will be a catalyst for this kind of jostling and territory-pushing then she's just very wise not to use it. The best grannies and gradads can go a bit batshit when the grandhcildren come along and cause all sorts of upset with new parents by being overbearing and wanting to make the baby also 'theirs'. It usually settles down. But I can totally see OP's instinctive reaction against using the name as a first name for this reason.

I think it should be a middle name. I don't really think it's fair or right for one parent to have a tribute to a loved one as the child's first name while the other does not, I feel it's far more fair to use it as a middle name and have the first name be something you both picked together.

My DD has one of my relatives name as her middle name, and if we have another I know me DP is hoping to use his nan's as her first name. This would feel quite alienating to me, I want to be involved and I also have a beloved nan I'd have liked to honour (but neither of us are keen on her name). Therefore, if it does happen, I will be suggesting DPs nan's name be the middle name, rather than the first, just as my relatives name was for DD. That seems right to me.

DP's Nanna always seems to think DD was named after her mum. Think Annie and Analise. She 100% wasn't. But it makes her happy to think it, so what's the issue?

Use it as a middle name:-

1. Your sister can then use it as a first name
2. Your dp will be placated that the name he likes is used (and may give you more sway on first name choice)

3 keeps the family happy

We called DD after DH Grandma. It was a name we both liked but mostly in tribute to her. It's never caused a problem with "ownership" with his family. Everyone knows she was named after her. His family were thrilled when we told them. And then that's that. It becomes her name. Probably hasn't been remarked on since she was a few months old.

In your circumstances I wouldn’t use the name, your absolutely right.
I would use it as a middle name.
With regards to your sister and you “blocking “ the name- that’s bonkers, you dont even know if she’ll ever have kids and even if so, you had your child first. I wouldn’t worry about that at all. Good luck:)

You both have to be happy with a name, so just tell him you aren’t - you want her to have a name that’s entirely hers, but v happy w his granny’s name as middle (perhaps with your mum or granny also)

I'd probably use it as a middle name - it's a nice tribute to someone of great importance to your DP, but it's also important for your child to have their own identity.

I think it is a lovely idea, there is a certain boys name that has been used for many generations of my family. I would be delighted if my MIL name was used when my DS start their families, they were very close to their late Nan.

You're totally overthinking it. My daughter has the same name as her great grandmother on her father's side. Her father and I have been separated or years , but I agreed to the name because it's beautiful and it happens to really suit my daughter.

The obvious answer is to use it as a middle name.

I think using it as a middle name is the perfect compromise.

You say your DH is already wedded to it, so I think you need to make it clear NOW that you're not, and want to continue to come up with ideas for names. It's only fair, otherwise it end up being a last minute change of mind that he'll resent.