Baby Surname Opinion Please!

[DearWilbur]

Are there any unmarried couples here who have given their baby both mum and dads surname, but without a hyphen? The two names just don't sound right together said all at once.

I am keen to share part of my surname with my baby until my partner and I eventually get married. We are engaged but realistically cant afford it for a few years. I'm also a bit of a pessimist and am aware that life isn't perfect and if anything were to happen in the future with me and my partner, if DD was to just have her fathers surname, I wouldnt like having to prove that I'm her mother etc. Id prefer my name to already be in hers.

I am also keen for her to have his surname too, as I intend on marrying him.

Has anyone ever called their baby
First name + Middle name + Mums surname + Dads surname? (No hyphen)

I thought officially on paper she would have both our surnames but with them not being hyphenated, we could go with Dad's surname for everyday use, as the 'preferred name'. I'm just not sure if my surname would then become more of a middle name for her? Or when we register her would the two names go in a 'surname option' box?

Any advise or experiences if you have done this would be great 😊 Sorry if this all sounds a bit silly, baby brain has officially set in!

Once/if we marry we would change her name to just his surname, and I would also change my surname to his.

To anyone suggesting changing my name by deed poll to his to avoid this problem completely, my mother suggested this but then I'd find it a bit weird when we got married in the future and we both already had the same surname. If anyone has gone for this option, how did you find it?

Thanks!

@toddlingabout

I would strongly recommend using either just yours or yours and his double barrelled with yours as the second. It can easily be changed if you get married, but not the other way around.

Having gone through the whole divorce thing, I can't believe how naive I was the first time around. Even though we weren't married I gave our child his surname. Something I hugely regret, even though I would have changed it when we got married, mine would have been on his birth certificate, so there would have been more options for changing it back. When you have a child, the baby is automatically given your surname (mum's). Traditionally this has always been the case. If they don't have your surname at all, travel (you need a letter from dad with permission for you to travel with your own child), doctors, school all come with more issues. Even the change in people's voice, when they call you Mrs [the child's surname] and you have to correct them can be quite upsetting.

I think lots of women feel obliged to give the baby the dad's name, please don't! I know this is going to sound harsh and I don't mean it to be, but if he really wanted that, he should have married you before you got pregnant/had the baby. I get you're engaged (we were too), but until it's official you have no protection if you were to separate. I've seen people really badly affected by this so hope this will help others not to make their/ my mistake.

Yes I definitely am not just going with his surname for the reasons you listed above! The thought of having to prove that I'm her mother even though I grew her and gave birth to her just doesn't sit right with me at all. If anyone should have to prove they're the parent in those situations, it should be the man! We do all the hard work. I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this!

Are you suggesting putting mine as the final name of the two as its the least likely to get dropped by people if its at the end?

@EileenGC

I’m Spanish and we all have two surnames - not hyphenated - one from each parent.

I’m MyName DadsSurname MumsSurname on documents and anything official (including school certs, doctors, work, contracts and bank). I’m MyName DadsSurname in ‘normal’ life where I don’t have to give my full name. Or when I have lived abroad, where going by two surnames wasn’t really practical.

Go for it, give the baby both and they can go by whichever one you decide, but they’ll have both your names. It’s how everybody in Spain and Latin America does it.

Do you find that people tend to drop your 2nd last name (your mothers) automatically or is it your preference to go by your fathers surname, and hence your mothers name doesnt get used on a day to day basis?

@Theyweretheworstoftimes

Yes. My kid has first name, middle name, my surname, then my husbands surname.

We are married but both kept our own names post marriage.

The only place it's been an issue is with Qantas the surname box couldn't cope with a space between the two names so we removed the space.

Mysurnamehissurname in the box

Both the surnames are pretty long so we picked a short first name. Both names are used and no one bats an eye lid.

Thanks for this! Have there been instances where places have used just the final surname and assumed your name to be a 2nd middle name and excluded it? Or has everywhere just used both surnames automatically?

@WhoppingBigBackside

It costs about £75 to get married. If you can't afford that you can't afford a baby.

You can do a 'wedding' style do when you can afford it.

Yes we can afford that, but neither of us want to do this option. We would rather wait a few years and have the wedding we want then.

You needn't tell anyone. It's s legal contract for your protection.
With children, the mother's income usually drops after childbirth and children aren't without expenses.

My DD has surnames like you describe, same as me. Some databases can't do spaces, so they put in a hyphen. Some people put in a hyphen. Some leave out the first surname. None of this is a big deal for us. A few people think we are being pretentious, or that we are very posh, so it's a bit of a sophistication test. It's really practical at times.

So you want a wedding party rather than to be married? You're not fussed about the legal contract?

The thought of having to prove that I'm her mother even though I grew her and gave birth to her just doesn't sit right with me at all. If anyone should have to prove they're the parent in those situations, it should be the man!

I don't understand how you can hold this view but then propose to only give her your name as a middle name with the intention to call her by - and have everyone know her by - his surname only?

Why do you not feel it is acceptable for her to have your name? Because you clearly don't feel it is acceptable for her to have her mother's name. Are you less valuable?

I'm not attacking, I'm genuinely baffled.

I'm married and our DC has both surnames without a hyphen. I know of one other child where parents are not married, and child has both surnames, unhyphenated.

We chose a new name and changed both our names before she was born

Honestly, if I were you I would give your baby your name and then change it if/when you get married

You're the one doing all the work, I will never understand why women are so keen to give the baby their partners surname. It's so old fashioned and deeply sexist

Honestly, I'd give the baby your surname.

Intentions are fantastic but in real life you are pregnant, you are giving birth, you are likely going to be the one doing most of the life admin for the child. Your surname is the obvious option.

When DD1 was born, we only gave her DH’s name even though we weren’t married at the time. I’d give her my name if I was making the decision now.

Could you combine names? Like James and Johnson could be Jameson. I know a couple who did this when they got married and they don’t have children.

I'm another who is married, and whose DD is firstname middlename mylast dhlast, no hyphen. It wasn't an issue when registering her and so far hasn't caused any other problems, but she's just ten months. So not in school yet!

We chose to put mine first as it sounds better that way, and tbh I don't really mind if she chooses to drop one name (even if it's mine) and just use DH's socially. I was concerned with her having my name for "official" purposes like her passport, calling up the doctor, etc.

You're incredibly naive to give your child your partners name and not push for marriage before the birth, hope that works out for you 😳

@DearWilbur

the names have always been used correctly.

The NHS receptionist told me it was stupid it didn't have a hyphen when I registered the kid at the GP but it's never been an issue in terms of the names being used incorrectly.

It's very clear it's two surnames no hyphen.

Once you get things like passports and birth certificate then that's what is used and it gets copied across.

So I get letters for Parent or Guardian of

Mysurname Hissurname

I guess the only place where people get confused is when they address me or my husband. People make up all sorts of combos for us but the kids name is always correct. Whatever I get called I just nod and smile, I can't be bothered to correct it.

Sometimes various systems can't cope with the space between the names so it's then

Mynamehisname but I think that only happened with Qantas.

If anyone ever only used one name, I would just correct them but it's never happened.

It's also made travelling without my husband easier and vice versa less questions from border control and various visa applications have been more straightforward than anticipated. Just an added bonus.

@WhoppingBigBackside

You needn't tell anyone. It's s legal contract for your protection. With children, the mother's income usually drops after childbirth and children aren't without expenses.

I'm probably just being ignorant here as I've clearly no idea, but as he's going to be on the birth certificate, what difference would being married make in terms of protection?

@SeanChailleach

My DD has surnames like you describe, same as me. Some databases can't do spaces, so they put in a hyphen. Some people put in a hyphen. Some leave out the first surname. None of this is a big deal for us. A few people think we are being pretentious, or that we are very posh, so it's a bit of a sophistication test. It's really practical at times.

Thats good to hear! Im glad it has worked out well for you! This helps put my mind at ease that things won't be difficult if we went for this option.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences

@user15364596354862

So you want a wedding party rather than to be married? You're not fussed about the legal contract?

The thought of having to prove that I'm her mother even though I grew her and gave birth to her just doesn't sit right with me at all. If anyone should have to prove they're the parent in those situations, it should be the man!

I don't understand how you can hold this view but then propose to only give her your name as a middle name with the intention to call her by - and have everyone know her by - his surname only?

Why do you not feel it is acceptable for her to have your name? Because you clearly don't feel it is acceptable for her to have her mother's name. Are you less valuable?

I'm not attacking, I'm genuinely baffled.

I think I'm obviously just unaware of the benefits of getting married in terms of protection for me? As someone else has previously mentioned this as well. What benefits exactly would we gain from marrying now as opposed to in two years time? Im genuinely not aware of them, I never thought about marriage until he proposed, my parents divorced when I was 3 years old etc so genuinely think I am just unaware of what legal protection it would give me?

I'm proposing her to have my name in there too officially, but to use his on a daily basis because I prefer his surname and as we intend to marry, it seems easier than having to get people to then start calling her something different in a few years and its just a bit of a mouthful to say both. I dont think im less valuable, I just prefer his name but want mine in there too in some way, that is just used for official places like doctors etc. Plus in case anything were to ever go pear shaped, my name would be in there still which makes me feel more comfortable.

@Luckyducky75

You're incredibly naive to give your child your partners name and not push for marriage before the birth, hope that works out for you 😳

I'm proposing both surnames But to use his on a day to day basis. My name would still be in there officially. I'm not suggesting the baby only has his name at all

@elfran

I'm another who is married, and whose DD is firstname middlename mylast dhlast, no hyphen. It wasn't an issue when registering her and so far hasn't caused any other problems, but she's just ten months. So not in school yet!

We chose to put mine first as it sounds better that way, and tbh I don't really mind if she chooses to drop one name (even if it's mine) and just use DH's socially. I was concerned with her having my name for "official" purposes like her passport, calling up the doctor, etc.

Thank you for this! Im glad you haven't had any issues so far with this 😊 This puts my mind at ease!

Yes exactly, I want my name in there too for those official purposes etc. But I'm more than happy for her to go by his surname only on a day to day casual basis as I prefer his surname.

[quote Theyweretheworstoftimes]@DearWilbur

the names have always been used correctly.

The NHS receptionist told me it was stupid it didn't have a hyphen when I registered the kid at the GP but it's never been an issue in terms of the names being used incorrectly.

It's very clear it's two surnames no hyphen.

Once you get things like passports and birth certificate then that's what is used and it gets copied across.

So I get letters for Parent or Guardian of

Mysurname Hissurname

I guess the only place where people get confused is when they address me or my husband. People make up all sorts of combos for us but the kids name is always correct. Whatever I get called I just nod and smile, I can't be bothered to correct it.

Sometimes various systems can't cope with the space between the names so it's then

Mynamehisname but I think that only happened with Qantas.

If anyone ever only used one name, I would just correct them but it's never happened.

It's also made travelling without my husband easier and vice versa less questions from border control and various visa applications have been more straightforward than anticipated. Just an added bonus. [/quote]
This makes me feel so much better! Thank you! I was worried I would be making things complicated by going for this option (I don't personally know anyone who has done this) but reading your message definitely puts my mind at ease. So thank you.

As if the NHS receptionist said that 🙄 some people!

@RedRobyn2021

We chose a new name and changed both our names before she was born

Honestly, if I were you I would give your baby your name and then change it if/when you get married

You're the one doing all the work, I will never understand why women are so keen to give the baby their partners surname. It's so old fashioned and deeply sexist

As is women changing their names on marriage and not men. I still don’t understand why women do it.

DD has my name as a middle name and DH’s surname. She uses them both interchangeably.

I’ve travelled around the world with her, alone, from 4 months of age and never had any issues with it.

Everyone calls me by my first name or “Mum of DD’s first name”. It’s extremely rare that anyone at school/doctors/sports clubs etc assumes I am
Mrs DHname. (Different story with relatives and Xmas cards though 🙄)

She’s 11 and I think if I was going to have these issues I would have by now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

In your position, OP, baby would get my surname and future husband could change his name on marriage if sharing a name with his child was so important to him.

The way the law works is that if you give her your surname, when/if you marry it is very straightforward for you and the baby to take his name at that point.

If however you give her his name then for some reason you don't marry, you would need his actual permission to change her name to yours.

I'm proposing both surnames
But to use his on a day to day basis. My name would still be in there officially. I'm not suggesting the baby only has his name at all

DD is 2 years and three months with a DB surname (with hypen) and I could honestly count on two hands the amount of times i can recall having to say it aloud- registering her at the bank, nursery and GP essentially. I don't go around calling the whole shebang out when we're at the park or anything. Surnames aren't a big deal until they're at school.

For that reason I would strongly encourage you to actively use both until you marry and change your own name. If you did split (and I think you're being very sensible to consider the possibility) it's easier to maintain the status quo rather than get people to start using your name all of a sudden.

There is also the chance, however remote, that you might change your mind about your own name when you do marry. You may not marry for some time and your views might evolve. That's what happened to me when I actually sat down and thought about if I actually wanted to change my name to DH's.