Baby surname wobble

[NatMoz]

I'm 35 weeks pregnant, married but never changed my surname.

My name is Eastern European. Let's say it's Dobrowskyj, my husband is British, let's say he's Smith.

We don't know the sex of the baby but the girl name we like is not stereotypically English.

We were going to call baby if girl

Yelena Sophia Dobrowskyj (second middle name) Smith

I suppose day to day she would be Yelena Smith but I'm now wondering if it would be better if she was Yelena Dobrowskyj-Smith.

We won't be making up a random surname for the baby (or us) before it's suggested. I am not changing to husband's surname either, I've been married 4 years already and have no plans to.

I don't know if in my situation double barrel would be odd as we're not partners but married

I spoke to my husband earlier and it has caused a bit of friction.

He is upset that we can't all be the 'Smith' family and he feels upset that I supposedly hate his name.

I said that by being a Dobrowskyj-Smith it means the baby unites us both. I'd even consider double barrelling myself but then he moaned about being the odd one out if that happened.

He did say that he had no valid reason to argue a point with me but wanted the baby to have his name from a social norm perspective. That and I am so much more a Smith in mentality than a Dobrowskyj.

We will be discussing it again tonight after work but

He can always double barrel his to match...

Go double barreled or yours and agree to change once married If you want to

I'd double barrel personally.

I'd even consider double barrelling myself but then he moaned about being the odd one out if that happened.

He can double barrel too! Simple.

DH and I did double barrelled for the dc.

We have names from our different heritages (Welsh and Irish language) and I wanted that reflected in their surnames. Their surnames are the equivalent of Rhys-Ó Suileabhain, and we’ve both agreed that if they decide to drop one later in life that’s entirely up to them.

@cowburp

Go double barreled or yours and agree to change once married If you want to

I'm already married! I just didn't bother changing!

He wouldn't consider double barrel

He wouldn't consider double barrel for him I mean.

Ah sorry missed that. Give the baby your double barreled name then.

I do think this is something men have to get over…as I said before I’m married and baby is having my last name, but my husband kind of had to realise that there was no reason to give just his name other than as you say ‘social norm’ or as I say ‘patriarchal tradition’.
He wasn’t upset but he kind of had to challenge his own belief system and view I suppose; he’s now very proud actually with the decision we have made and loves telling people just what a 21st century man he is 😂

I’m Spanish and we all have two surnames. One from each parent. I will then pass one of mine to my children. It’s normally the first surname, which was traditionally the father’s, but nowadays it can be either.

I know 2 surnames isn’t really an option in the UK so I would double-barrel in your case. Your daughter can then decide which one to pass on to any potential children.

Your husband needs to lose the 1950s mentality. In many parts of the world it’s completely normal to have both surnames or adopt a family name upon marriage.

I’d tell him very crisply to cop the hell on snd get past his caveman feelings on this. Tell him that whining about lost symbols of patriarchal privilege is deeply unattractive and make your vagina want to seal itself up in perpetuity. Tell him you can’t face waking up for the rest of your life next to a man who acknowledges there’s no valid reason to get angsty about his baby having both her parents’ names rather than just his but is still going on about it.

Honestly, OP, literally the only conversation DH and I had about this is which order to have the surnames in, which was decided entirely on aesthetic grounds.

@EileenGC it is possible :) my friend is Mexican and her husband British. Both children were born here and both have 2 surnames without a hyphen.

They have her father's name followed by his name.

@Twizbe do they have both surnames without a hyphen on their British passport as well?

That's very interesting to hear as everyone I know gave the children both names in their other passport, but had to hyphenate on British paperwork. It'd be great if it had changed.

I double barrelled my name and gave my LO my name as a middle name. Worked fine for us :)

[quote EileenGC]@Twizbe do they have both surnames without a hyphen on their British passport as well?

That's very interesting to hear as everyone I know gave the children both names in their other passport, but had to hyphenate on British paperwork. It'd be great if it had changed.[/quote]
As far as I know yes. I've only seen the Mexican registration which has both.

My friend has never mentioned anything about and I'm sure she would have if she'd not been allowed to do it

Deffo keep your EE surname and double barrel! We have for our daughter - doubled barrelled Polish and English name. it's a mouthful, but an important part of her heritage!

Popping back up to clarify: both 2 surnames w/ no hyphen, and 2 surnames linked by a hyphen, are called "double barrelled". Either is totally fine in the UK! When we registered our daughter in April the registrar just asked me if we wanted a hyphen or not.

OP, I agree your husband is just going to have to get over this. Tbh mine was the same at first; he recognized that he had no more right to pass on his name than I did, and that the only reason he felt the way he did was patriarchal norms. He considers himself a feminist so knew it was only right to put his money where his mouth is.

I'd suggest opening the conversation (as you have) and just letting him get used to the idea. By the time our daughter was born he was ok with pretty much anything!

There has been research done about how much worse off people with foreign names fare on CV sifting.
I did worry about this for my DC, and in fact I think it influenced our decision to go for traditional English forst names for them.
Has your husband got any of these qualms?

Might be worth talking it through.

As you are legally married, I would say DH surname, if you were unmarried definitely your surname.

I couldn't imagine having to write all that out every time I had to fill out a form. I think double barrelled surnames are ridiculous and often sound pretentious. I'd just stick with your surname.

@Tal45

I couldn't imagine having to write all that out every time I had to fill out a form. I think double barrelled surnames are ridiculous and often sound pretentious. I'd just stick with your surname.

The 'Smith' bit would only add five letters.

@Roselilly36

As you are legally married, I would say DH surname, if you were unmarried definitely your surname.

What is your logic for this? What difference does marriage make?

[quote EileenGC]@Twizbe do they have both surnames without a hyphen on their British passport as well?

That's very interesting to hear as everyone I know gave the children both names in their other passport, but had to hyphenate on British paperwork. It'd be great if it had changed.[/quote]
We chose to use both our surnames without a hyphen (I'm British, dh not). That way our dc can choose to drop one or other of their surnames for 'everyday' use at school or work etc.

You don't need a hyphen in UK.

I kept my (unusual, British) surname when I got married and went for the second middle name option for the DC. So e.g. I am Jane Higginbottom, DH is John Smith, DC is Thomas David Higginbottom Smith.

I was v keen on keeping my name (even though the spelling is a faff) but not that bothered about giving it to my DC as a formal surname. I’ve given birth to them, they know I’m their Mummy, and it’s never caused admin issues at school etc. If I was from a non-British background I think I’d insist on a first name to reflect that. But I have no regrets and my kids have user friendly names to be getting on with.