Name regret

[ICantShakeIt]

Hello, I’m looking for some counsel as to how I can overcome name regret.

To give a little overview, my husband and I had a very hard time choosing a name for our daughter. Sadly, he didn’t like any of my favourites and vice versa so we compromised on a name I liked but didn’t love as it was the only one we both agreed on.

However, as my daughter has developed her personality, I can’t shake the feeling that she really fits one of the names on my favourites list. The name we chose for her is a pretty, feminine (and perfectly nice, normal name) but I just don’t think it’s her. She’s cheeky and loud with a deep laugh and a fiery temper and every time I look at her my stomach goes over as to me, she epitomises the other name which was stronger and had some grit to it. Sadly I can’t tell you what they are as I’ll identify myself but they are both classic top 30.

I realise I may have some hindsight bias going on here but I feel like my hormones and anxiety overwhelmed me when she was born and clouded my judgement and ability to make a decision. It’s since become quite an obsession. I’m pouring over name forums, feeling spikes of jealousy when I hear a parent calling out my favourite name and I’m starting to give myself the ick about the name we gave her. It’s really affecting me which in itself is giving me terrible guilt as there are people going through such horrendous things in the world and I’m stressing about a name.

I’ve spoken a few times about my feelings with my husband and close family members but they all think her current name suits her and my husband refuses to change it.

I’ve read a few threads on here about name regret, some of which say give her a nickname or use her middle name but I don’t want to do either of these things as I feel like I should have got it right in the first place. I’ve tried searching for negative associations with the other name to try and put me off but unfortunately it’s one of the names that’s currently trending with Mumsnetters so I can’t find much bad to say about it (haha).

So there we go, hopefully a few of you might have some advice about how I can overcome this or can share similar experiences. I can’t bear the thought of going through my whole life regretting her name.

How old is she?

@crumblebug She’s less than a year old but my husband won’t entertain the idea of changing it. He still really likes the name we chose.

How old is she? Unless she’s still a baby with no name awareness then I really think you can’t change it.
I also think you can’t really change it against her fathers express wishes. It’s too late.
This really does seem to be all about you. Not her and not even the name really.
In my experience children grow into their names it becomes just another art of who they are. Her name doesn’t change who she is or her personality. She doesn’t suddenly become less cheeky and loud because she’s called marigold and not Samantha (or whatever names you associate with those personality traits.
I think you need to find yourself some help. This level of obsession is not healthy.

I think you need to find yourself some help. This level of obsession is not healthy.

A little harsh, I think.

Unfortunately, op, given that your DH won't budge I think you're stuck with the name she has. As a compromise, I'd look at having your choice added as a middle name.

Your DD may well change your mind about her name given time.

You will move past this in time because eventually you'll have too much going on to give it much thought.

I had the exactly same feelings OP. Could have written your post. I really love the name we gave my DD now. It now really suits her. She grew into it. I do think this is partly a hormonal thing.

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

As a compromise, I'd look at having your choice added as a middle name

Good plan.

That sounds really difficult for you, sending hugs.

You say that it feels like a bit of an obsession - is it possible you're fixating on this because other things feel a bit out of control? I only mention it because strong name regret can be a sign of post natal depression/anxiety for some people.

It sounds like, to other people's eyes, she does suit her name. I think, if the names are fairly normal and well-known, she will absolutely grow into her name in your eyes too! It sounds like you've called her Lucy and you would have preferred Alexis (or something like that). It's not like you've called her Fifi-Trixibelle or something that would be hard to pull off as a tough, independent girl. There are loads of tough, cheeky Lucys too!

The other option is she'll make it her own with a nickname as she gets older - lots of people do, after all.

It’s not healthy to spend hours obsessing about this. Would you consider speaking to someone about it?

How old is she?

I get it - my youngest has a name my husband liked and I thought was ok. As time has gone on I've liked the name less and less, but like you my husband wouldn't change it.
I wish I could say it gets better - it doesn't. I tend to use a nickname, which helps. Other than that I don't have much else to offer, other than solidarity!

iv been there, the anxiety over my dc name not being right made me incredibly ill with anxiety. I was also obsessed with baby name forums too etc. I did amend my dcs name on birth certificate before turning 12 months old but original given name still shows on birth certificates in UK with the new name right at the bottom of the certificate in the section 17 bit, which I dislike as I'm going to have to explain to dc at some point why name is different on birth certificate.

It may be harsh (maybe), but it’s true!
This level of angst about a name is not doing anyone any good.
In my opinion the time to change it has long passed. Never mind the opinion of the child’s father.
The OP needs to find a way to make her peace with it.
The middle name is a good idea.
I had a friend whose mum called him by his middle name his whole life simply because it was her absolute favourite name but had sounded stupid with his surname. They’d chosen a different first name but she always called him Tom.

The name we chose for her is a pretty, feminine (and perfectly nice, normal name) but I just don’t think it’s her. She’s cheeky and loud with a deep laugh and a fiery temper and every time I look at her my stomach goes over as to me, she epitomises the other name which was stronger and had some grit to it.

I don't know if this helps, but plenty of 'fiery' women have had very feminine names. Think of the Pankhursts - Sylvia, Christabel, Emmeline. Or Millicent Fawcett, the suffragist. Or Queen Isabella, she-wolf of France.

In time, perhaps, you will start to see the name as suiting your baby.

I know how you're feeling. My little one is almost a year and I've regretted and obsessed about her name for ages now, it's a horrible feeling. It's getting better though. I've tried to look at it practically - I don't love her name as it was a compromise as my husband and I just couldn't find a name we both loved, however it's a nice enough name. I still check out the name boards (weirdly her name gets a lot of love on MN) and I still feel jealous when I hear names I love but couldn't use. Although I wish I'd chosen differently I remind myself that I'm lucky to have my little girl and if her name is my biggest worry then that's fortunate too.

@Smartiepants79 Oh, I completely agree, it’s not healthy at all . I appreciate your candid reply and you speak a lot of sense. I definitely do worry that people might have a preconceived perception of someone based on their name but hopefully she will make it her own in time and I won’t be able to imagine her as anything else.

@Peggytheredhen Thank you for sharing your experience, I really hope this will be true for me too.

@DesdemonaDryEyes What an apt quote! And who can argue with one of the greatest authors of all time?

@TaraR2020 We could do this, however she already has quite a ‘heavy’ middle name so I wouldn’t want it to be too overpowering, particularly as her first name is quite soft.

Have you actively looked for strong role models, book characters etc. with your DD's current name? Say her name is Sophie but you'd prefer her to be Alice, find some Sophies with the characteristics you admire e.g. Sophie who befriends the BFG, Sophie from Sophie's World or Rooftoppers. Immerse yourself in songs that include Sophie in the lyrics and stop trying to find something wrong with Alice/your preferred name as that's a distraction. Maybe write down some interesting Sophie facts as you actively notice them? Your baby's name was a compromise but it is also the name her parents chose for her, together. If you change her name to your favourite - that your DH isn't keen on - how will you justify bulldozing him into a name change?

My DD is nearly an adult now and her name isn't the one I'd have chosen if the decision had been mine alone. DH and I had three we were going to choose from and when she was born, I'd have chosen one of the other two but he felt strongly that she looked like an X so that's what we went for. It's 100% her name and it completely suits teenaged her, as do the various abbreviations. I can't imagine her as either of the other possibilities now even though there were moments when she was a baby that I sometimes thought one of them might have been 'better'. Give yourself time to get to know the name and time to let the name fit your little girl.

Would you like to share the names with us?

How are you feeling in yourself generally?

@ICantShakeIt I understand. I have name regret and my child is now 33 I've had it for a very long time, maybe even longer than you've been alive.

The reality is that throughout their life they've been known by various nicknames, which evolved naturally from friends and circumstances and also, which is more important than anything at all, they actually like their own name.

My best advice is to put your feelings to one side now.

I get it

I mulled over potential DD’s names for 20 years then I married a man who didn’t like any of my favourite names. In the end I found an inoffensive top 50 name I couldn’t fault and he liked it so that was it. Ah well. It’s not important that her name satisfies my vanity, it’s important that the name serves her well. I’m sure it will.

I don’t even like the sound of it though. I use a nickname. The next DC is getting a name I really like!

My friend has two DC, a boy and a girl. The boy has a name like 'Hunter' but is very thin and effeminate. Whereas the girl has a name like 'Grace' and is large and not at all graceful. I often wonder if my friend thinks she chose the wrong names, although I wouldn't dare say anything.

OP, would you be able to post the name?

How was your daughters birth? I'm wondering if this is connected to feeling out of control and wanting things from that time to be different?

Your DD is only a baby, her personality is going to change so very much over the years. In a few years time she might not have the personality traits you associate with that name and are pinning on that name.

My DF chose my name, my DM wanted a different name.
DSib's name was DM's choice

The names are quite different. We're something like Joanne and Camilla (not the real names)

I like the name DM would have called me, but I'm much more the name I have. DSibling's name has dated, mine hasn't, and is quite fashionable now