Name regret

[ICantShakeIt]

Hello, I’m looking for some counsel as to how I can overcome name regret.

To give a little overview, my husband and I had a very hard time choosing a name for our daughter. Sadly, he didn’t like any of my favourites and vice versa so we compromised on a name I liked but didn’t love as it was the only one we both agreed on.

However, as my daughter has developed her personality, I can’t shake the feeling that she really fits one of the names on my favourites list. The name we chose for her is a pretty, feminine (and perfectly nice, normal name) but I just don’t think it’s her. She’s cheeky and loud with a deep laugh and a fiery temper and every time I look at her my stomach goes over as to me, she epitomises the other name which was stronger and had some grit to it. Sadly I can’t tell you what they are as I’ll identify myself but they are both classic top 30.

I realise I may have some hindsight bias going on here but I feel like my hormones and anxiety overwhelmed me when she was born and clouded my judgement and ability to make a decision. It’s since become quite an obsession. I’m pouring over name forums, feeling spikes of jealousy when I hear a parent calling out my favourite name and I’m starting to give myself the ick about the name we gave her. It’s really affecting me which in itself is giving me terrible guilt as there are people going through such horrendous things in the world and I’m stressing about a name.

I’ve spoken a few times about my feelings with my husband and close family members but they all think her current name suits her and my husband refuses to change it.

I’ve read a few threads on here about name regret, some of which say give her a nickname or use her middle name but I don’t want to do either of these things as I feel like I should have got it right in the first place. I’ve tried searching for negative associations with the other name to try and put me off but unfortunately it’s one of the names that’s currently trending with Mumsnetters so I can’t find much bad to say about it (haha).

So there we go, hopefully a few of you might have some advice about how I can overcome this or can share similar experiences. I can’t bear the thought of going through my whole life regretting her name.

Unless it's Stormy-Water Cloud (see current active thread!) I imagine the name
Is perfectly lovely perhaps at one she hasn't grown into yet but as she gets older she will

On the other hand if it IS Stormy-Water Cloud you should be ashamed of yourselves and book an appointment with Deed poll immediately 🤣

Sorry for the delay, I typed out replies to you all last night then the page refreshed and deleted them! I couldn’t face rewriting them at the time so my apologies, I didn’t read and run..

@OrangeAndYellowAndBlue Yes those are good examples with the names. It’s interesting that you mention things feeling out of control; the birth of my daughter has brought up unresolved grief from a close bereavement so I’m feeling particularly vulnerable atm. I do think there may be some element of PPD in there as well but I’m not really sure what is triggering what if that makes sense.

@nimbuscloud Yes, I am seeing someone for the above but I feel so ashamed bringing up the name issue as it seems so trivial. You only have to look at the news to see the horrendous things people are going through atm and here I am stressing about a name, and not even a bad one! I thought that this forum might be a good place to reach out as people may have a better understanding of how I’m feeling.

@EdgeOfACoin I do hope so. People’s opinions on here that her name is ‘weak’ and ‘wet’ have been eating away at me so those examples have really helped.

@Tigerteatime123 Wise words, thank you. I do count my blessings.

@SE13Mummy That’s a good idea. I can think of a novel where her namesake is the protagonist so I may indulge in some ‘reading therapy’! And completely true about us both choosing the name together as we felt it was right at the time; I realise I need to focus on this. It’s helpful to know that your front runner wasn’t picked but you’ve grown to love the compromise.

@Holly60 I don’t want to share the names I’m afraid, firstly because I don’t want to be identified and second because I don’t want to invite any negative opinions on the name we chose that may make me feel worse.

@tickledtiger Thank you, it’s good to know that there are others in my situation. Her name is indeed inoffensive and won’t cause her any teasing. I (like you) just imagined myself calling out the other name in my head for so long that it feels wrong saying her real name. In fact, I rarely do say her name. I normally just call her by a pet name or even simply ‘baby’.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me, I really am grateful for each and every message.

I’m glad you’re seeing someone. I don’t think that baby name regret = PPD but I think it’s more common in those who have PPD.

Having a baby causes hormonal and emotional turmoil. Add on the physical toll, sleep deprivation and the sudden overwhelming responsibility for a life. It’s easy for little doubts or concerns to become magnified until they seem insurmountable. If you want to talk about it, do and if you feel you need more help, ask.

My DD’s name comes up on here quite often too and it seems like a lot of people really love it and others think it’s boring or ‘wet’ (I don’t think any names sound wet so I don’t really get this). It’d be nice to be able to call her a name I really love though. It just feels a bit like I just chose a name at random even though I didn’t!

Don't feel like this is too trivial to raise with a counsellor. Ultimately yes i see what you mean, it's just a name. But it's more than a name because it's a connection with your child. You say yourself you don't want to say her name and that her birth brings past past trauma. I really think it is worth mentioning this. Remember a lot of OCD type behaviours seem trivial but they become consuming. Counsellors will be well used to this. Don't feel ashamed

I’ve got OCD, so I sympathize with the name regret you’re describing. I’m heartened you’re seeing a professional about this — overwhelming guilt is such a cruel emotion to live with. It truly eats away at you.

One of my fav names is Lily, which is often described as “weak” and “wet” on here. Well, Lily Tomlin surely defies that dictate, does she not? Perhaps if you had chosen a fierier name, you might still regret it for being too ostentatious or not beautiful enough.

Also, as another commenter said, “A rose by any other name…” OP, your daughter will define herself, as she’s proven already. Sometimes anxieties over being a new parent mask themselves as name regret. Judging from your post, it’s clear she is loved something fierce.

Easier said than done, but accept that no name is perfect and release yourself from these bonds, OP.

I had this with my sons name. He’s 19 months old and sometimes I still get it. I’m just working on learning to live with it and remember why we chose it in the first place (we did originally love it, it was more other peoples opinions on it that threw me and made me regret it)

My little ones name has also been described on here as "wet", "weak" and "boring". However, it's also described by others as "classic", "pretty" and "beautiful". No name is universally loved! Because I'm having doubts about her name then I'm more sensitive to the negative comments and they'll stick in my mind far more than the positive ones. I don't feel this way when I read negative comments about my other child's name. To be honest, I've never once been introduced to someone and thought their name is "weak" or "wet"! From the sound of it your little one has a lovely name that won't cause her any issues, you may feel regret but you certainly haven't let her down. Sometimes we can place too much emphasis and importance on a name. Their name doesn't make them who they are.

My child's classic name is also described on here as boring. She is anything but boring. Don't pay attention to MN threads. My own name, now popular among parents now is often described as weak, wet and dull on here! And I think they are missing out, as I love being called my name.