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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Would this be really insensitive?

72 replies

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 21:18

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby, a little girl, and my DH really loves the name Cerys. I really like the name too, but a friend of mine lost a baby quite late on in pregnancy a few years ago, I believe, and named her Carys and so I'm worried it would just be a bit insensitive. I know it's not identical, but they're variations of the same name and have the same meaning. It's a Welsh name - I'm mostly English but with Welsh heritage, and we live in south east England, where both names are fairly unusual. I've known this girl for a couple of years - we're not close friends, but before covid we used to see each other most weeks, in the company of mutual friends. I like her and don't want to upset her, but I also don't really feel like I know her well enough to broach it with her. What do you guys think?

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Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 21:34

Ok - so no to middle name too. Thanks for your comments. It's hard when there are so few names that DH and I like, let alone agree on! Not to worry, we'll keep thinking g and find something else - we have plenty of time.

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 18/05/2021 21:35

I think Cerys and Carys are two different names, and you’re not actually sure she used the name. Also, you say she’s not a close friend, more of an acquaintance.

Pebbledashery · 18/05/2021 21:36

I think just put yourself in your friends situation. She very tragically had a still born baby that she honoured with a beautiful name that she will forever treasure as the late memories of her daughter.. To then find out you've named your child a variation of that name that is one letter different... I don't know about you.. But my heart would break.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 21:37

It’s not just the insensitivity of naming your child after her still born baby, but there will always be that connotation in your mind. I honestly am surprised you’d even consider it.

Even if you end the friendship immediately, which if you don’t she will, and anyone else who knows what you’ve done will also probably be appalled, as witnessed by the majority of responses on this thread, you’d always know that link.

Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 21:38

@saraclara

a friend of mine lost a baby quite late on in pregnancy a few years ago, I believe, and named her Carys

The "I believe.." bit in there made me wonder. Did you not know her then? She doesn't sound like a close friend if you're really not sure on the details.

I seem to be on the minority but I don't see the problem here. Take my name. There's Sara and there's Sarah. I think of them as two different names. Same with Carys and Cerys.

If this was a close family thing, say this was your sister, then I'd say don't. But otherwise I really don't think that lost babies names (and similar names) have to be forever off limits to anyone who knows the parents

No, I didn't know her when it happened and we don't know each other well, but I like her and I'm keen not to do anything which might upset her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 21:40

@CharlotteRose90

I overthink this stuff too. Do they get pronounced the same way I’m not sure? Personally if it was me and the friend was a very close friend then If I chose the name I’d be preparing to lose a friend . I wouldn’t get over something like that if it happened to me. Maybe a middle name .

No, they're pronounced differently, one is Karr-iss and the other is Kerr-iss.

OP posts:

Followtheyellowsicktoad · 18/05/2021 21:41

I know a child with my daughter’s name, she died within days of birth, I love seeing this child and love hearing the name. The mother and I didn’t know each other at the time though.

However. We’re all different, could you ask your friend?

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 21:46

No, they're pronounced differently, one is Karr-iss and the other is Kerr-iss

Cmon op it’s marginal.

I think if you do it, you need to be prepared to loose her as a friend, and many of your joint friends too, personally I’d be upset for her and find the insensitivity unacceptable.

Aprilwasverywet · 18/05/2021 21:58

When I first moved my new ndn had lost a dd a while ago to SIDS. Same name as my dd. Felt really rubbish...

Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 21:58

@Bluntness100

No, they're pronounced differently, one is Karr-iss and the other is Kerr-iss

Cmon op it’s marginal.

I think if you do it, you need to be prepared to loose her as a friend, and many of your joint friends too, personally I’d be upset for her and find the insensitivity unacceptable.

Yes, they are very similar, and that's why I was asking for the opinions of others.

Out of interest, would you also feel the same about other similar names - ones with the same origin / meaning, but with a slightly different spelling or pronunciation? E.g. -

Sophie / Sophia
Julie / Julia
Ella / Elly
Lily / Lila
Violet / Viola
Sarah / Sara

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 22:02

Why would those names be any different, op? Particularly Sarah/Sara...

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 22:06

Yes of course op.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 22:06

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why would those names be any different, op? Particularly Sarah/Sara...

Yes I’m confused as to the question. Of course it’s the same.

foodiefil · 18/05/2021 22:07

Unless you had always wanted to name your child Cerys. Had a family member called Cerys and could explain all of this to your friend beforehand then I'd find another name.

Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 22:14

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why would those names be any different, op? Particularly Sarah/Sara...

Because those names are much more widely used. I wondered whether it was the more unusual nature of the names which made it particularly insensitive, or whether the same would also be true of a very popular name, such as Sophie / Sophia.

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 22:16

Oh, I see. I'd have to say no, the principle remains exactly the same.

newtolineofduty · 18/05/2021 22:16

Agree it'd be insensitive xx

Original poster

Giraffedance · 18/05/2021 22:18

Thanks again for your comments all. I think we can all agree that it would be insensitive, so the search continues... :)

OP posts:

Ostagazuzulum · 18/05/2021 22:20

I think it might be a little insensitive. What about caru? Welsh, pronounced Carrie snd means love?

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 22:21

@Giraffedance

Thanks again for your comments all. I think we can all agree that it would be insensitive, so the search continues... :)

That's good 😊. I'm sure you'll find something fabulous

lljkk · 18/05/2021 22:26

I also don't really feel like I know her well enough to broach it with her.

Sounds like you hardly know her, it's just acquaintance . She isn't going to reflect much on your choices when you are simple acquaintances. There isn't a vital friendship.

Merchymor · 18/05/2021 22:30

Cerys is actually a surprisingly popular name in England in my experience. My neighbour's daughter was a
Cerys, no Welsh connection and I've heard of a few others round here.

PP suggested Caru, I'm being really pedantic here but it means 'to love', not love. That would be Cariad and neither are really a 'proper' name. Angharad is similar and more traditional, but harder to say and spell if you're not Welsh of course.

Tillygetsit · 18/05/2021 22:36

My friend asked if she could use the middle name as a first name for a baby we lost.
I was actually very touched. However, her dh very sensibly thought their baby should have his own name which with more thought I totally got. TBH I was also a little bit relieved.

BlueHairGirl · 18/05/2021 22:40

I'm surprised so many people are so strongly against this, you didn't know her at the time, she's not a super close friend and they're different names. It's lovely that you're happy to rule it out because of all the responses but don't let them make you feel guilty for wondering. It's so horrible for someone to lose a child but unfortunately she'll hear the name around and it's a different name

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 18/05/2021 22:45

It is a shame OP, especially if it's one of the few names you and DH can agree on. But I agree you risk losing the friend, as she might find it too difficult hearing (the quite similar and relatively unusual in England) name regularly. You'd have to decide whether the potential loss of the friendship would upset you more than not using the name.

Imo a name like Sophie or Sarah would be slightly different in that they are so popular I bet most people know a couple of them - so your friend would have likely already become accustomed to hearing the name on other people (so not "linked" to her daughter in the same way).

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