Adding my maiden name to baby’s name?

[munchymoo]

I’ve just had our beautiful DD who is 2 weeks old and as yet unnamed! Have DS1 5 years old and DS2 18 months.

I changed my maiden name on marriage to my husband’s surname in a fit of romance (!!) and in all honesty have always regretted it - have been honest with him about this. The reasons are multiple - I feel like I’ve lost my identity in ways, I love my maiden name and do not like my married name (it’s not a great surname!), I’m the last one of child bearing age in our family and there are no males to carry on the name so my surname will die out now in our direct line, and I also now feel since having a daughter that I don’t want her to comply with the patriarchal system if she doesn’t want to (but in no way am I disrespecting those who do, it’s just becoming an issue for me that’s all).

We’ve discussed double barrelling and we all 5 of us become new name - let’s say Smith-Jones for example. Or do I just revert to maiden name so I’m Smith and husband and kids are all Jones. Or do I double barrel on my own?

I want my maiden name back but I don’t love the idea of my children having a different name to me.

If you double barrel - what is difference between heiphenating or not? I’m really confused. So Smith-Jones is different to Smith Jones - in the latter example the surname is basically Jones and Smith is a middle name??

If I gave my daughter my maiden name as a middle name, would it be weirdly that my sons don’t have it? They both have my father’s names as their middle names as he died years ago and wanted to honour him in their names.

If I change their names by Deedpoll - adding in my maiden name - will that be a nightmare for them for ever more having to produce lots of documents etc?

Sorry so many questions! I’m in a tizzy. Can’t work out how to name my daughter when all these ideas are going round my head. Any help gratefully received!

X

Common in Scotland apparently to give children the maiden name of the mother, not weird at all. DH has his mother’s maiden name -oddly not his older brother. FIL had his mother’s maiden name as his middle name. I think it’s a nice way to keep the name in the family

I have my mother’s maiden name as a middle name, as do my siblings. My mother is from a family of girls and the name was going to die out otherwise. I took my husband’s surname when I got married (would have actually liked to keep my surname on reflection!) so my OWN maiden name is now ‘gone’ from my name, but gutting.

I think if you want your maiden name change it back. You will need to agree something that works with your husband for the children (mine do not have my maiden name as middle names). Maybe double barrelled is an option if you both feel strongly about it - if it is not hyphenated the first name will be a middle name not a surname.

DH and I double barrelled our names. So we became a a Smith-Jones family

My partners surname is double barrelled and the children have taken this surname. It really annoys me that they have their paternal grandparents surnames and mine has been wiped out.
My son has my middle name which is also my dads middle name. I hope will carry on that tradition

I didn't change my name when I married, but when my daughter was born, we all went double-barreled, and so share a surname. It seems much more equal to me. Yes, changing it will be a bit of a faff, but just make a list and do it systematically - once it's done, you never have to think about it again.

I changed my Dd's name to double barreled when we separated. I wouldn't give your maiden name as a middle name in your circumstances in case you want it as a proper surname (or part of one) in future.

I would double barrel it so you all match if that’s important to you. I wouldn’t want a different surname to my children personally, although I know lots who happily do.

I wanted to take my husband’s surname when we got married. Our surnames would not work together. But we gave both our children (DD and DS) my maiden name as a middle name. So they’ve got 2 middle names each, the second being my maiden name. I didn’t want our family name to die out just yet.

Give it as a middle name. Not weird at all.

But is it weird to use as middle name for just DD, and not for DS1 and DS2? Or should I add it to their names too?

I’m just not sure whether adding a name by deedpoll would make their lives difficult having a birth certificate that is different to their names?

I don't see how it would. I just keep the deed poll certificate with the birth certificate. It's no problem to give them both at the same time.

First - it's not your maiden name, it's your name. The name you were born with, same as any brother you might have.

Second - I would double barrel the names if having two surnames is not legally an option where you are. I'm assuming UK, does anyone here actually know the legalities of this? I've never looked into it.

I myself have two surnames, but that's the norm where I come from. I have both my parent's first surnames and I, in turn, will give one of mine to my children and so on and so forth. No middle names, so I am Sarah (name) Smith (surname 1) Jones (surname 2). Commonly known as Sarah Smith. On UK documents I tend to hyphenate, otherwise they call me Sarah Jones and assume Smith is a middle name.

I think the key in the UK is to double barrel because 90% of people just can't understand multiple surnames are a thing.

If you change to a double surname at this stage in your boys’ lives then all future certificates, memberships etc will be in the new name. They need only show deed poll with birth cert very occasionally — just attach docs together. Change names in one fell swoop as will be easier and probably cheaper.

I kept my name and added my husband's, but didn't hyphenate and generally just drop his name. So my passport says I am Me Smith Jones but I just use Me Smith as I did before I was married. My children are Child Smith Jones and know they can keep or drop whichever they want in future. DH just has his name and hasn't added mine, we all think he is foolish 🙂

Why not be Jones, your husband be Smith, and your kids be Smith-Jones? You can hyphen or not hyphen, it doesn’t really matter. If you don’t put a hyphen, they are still both surnames. (The non-hyphenated ones come across more posh, IMO).

I have a DB and my baby is going to have her own DB- one of my surnames, and also my partner’s surname. People seem to think this is wildly complicated. It really isn’t- Spanish people have managed with this system for generations!

@TownTalkJewels

Why not be Jones, your husband be Smith, and your kids be Smith-Jones? You can hyphen or not hyphen, it doesn’t really matter. If you don’t put a hyphen, they are still both surnames. (The non-hyphenated ones come across more posh, IMO).

I have a DB and my baby is going to have her own DB- one of my surnames, and also my partner’s surname. People seem to think this is wildly complicated. It really isn’t- Spanish people have managed with this system for generations!

My DD is Jones-Smith. She came out of my body, my name goes first.

Btw as new baby is under a year you can change her birth certificate or if you haven’t yet rushed off to register her just give her the double barrelled name. Parents are not obliged to give their children any particular surname so you can change your own surname later. Some American, think it might have been Joan Baez and her husband gave their son a totally random surname they chose for him.
So 1) register baby with 2 names, 2) get deed poll for sons and yourself.
3) once around banks etc to let them see the docs and you’re sorted

I would, if it sounds ok, double-barrel all the surnames. INCLUDING your DH!

Then it's more truly equal, and you'd all have the same name.

If not, you could go back to your original surname and your DD have that too?

I did this. Both my sons have my maiden name but not double barrelled. I use my maiden name for social media too.

Thanks all for responses! So had a chat with DH this eve and he’s not keen on double barrelling or changing to my name but understands that I am struggling with a loss of my own identity. He has suggested I go back to using my name in all areas but keep my “official” name as my married name on my passport to make things easier eg when travelling with the kids.

I’m not sure about this as whilst day to day I would go back to using my name, officially I’d still be his name. Which feels a bit like the persistence of the patriarchal system to me!! (Sits and thinks...)

Question - I’m not sure I want a different name to my children, and I don’t entirely like our names double barrelled, so if I was go to with using both names ie first name Smith (maiden) Jones (married) would I still officially be known as first name Jones? Or would I have 2 surnames?

And if I put my maiden name as my daughter’s (and poss my sons’) middle name so they’d be for example Sarah Louise Smith Jones, wouldn’t they basically just be Sarah Jones and thus my maiden name would barely be mentioned or significant in their day to day lives?

@AllBellyandBoobs how do you find this works for you, as what you’ve done seems to be what I’m considering doing? X

It's not really all about him though is it? Why are you suddenly compromising because he's not up for it?

My friend has 4 dc. Only the oldest ds has her maiden name as a middle name. He isn't the oldest dc.

I know someone who has mother maiden name as a middle name, not all their family has this.
I also know someone who has mother maiden name as first name.

I gave my kids my maiden name as a middle name thinking it was a good compromise, but the reality is that no one ever uses it. Double barrelled would have been better.

I have kept my surname and DP kept his, kids both have two middle names, one is my surname and other is his. They both know their names are made from both of ours just like their bodies are and they like it.

When they chant their names they do the full lot.

I'm a little sad his is the surname, but I have two brothers with 7 children between them, and DP is the only one of his siblings having children (others too old now) so it felt OK to give the world a couple of mini Smiths along with all the mini Joneses which my brothers sired.

We're not actually married, will be next year, he's keen for us all, including him, to move to middle name Jones and surname Smith, but I'm not sure, I think I'd rather we stay as we are.

I wouldn't double barrel because our names are too similar and sound stupid together, plus it takes the double barrel choice away from my children which feels unfair.

Yet another one where our traditions are detrimental to women whereas other countries manage it perfectly sensibly.

I was on the Miss/Ms/Mrs plane weight argument yesterday and appalled how many British women don't seem to mind about this. Each to their own I guess very grudgingly