Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to agree on a name without committing murder?

43 replies

Boyorgirl3 · 21/01/2021 15:35

It has became very clear that my DP and I do not like the same names, I have rhymed off about 50 girls names some I love, some I like, others I think could grow on me, anyway my DP has basically said no to all of them exect two, Anya and Clara, he didn't actually sound that enthusiastic about those either to be honest, these names I like but don't love. I asked him for some suggestions, he reluctantly looked at the ONS list for 5 minutes and said he likes Robyn and Thea, I do not like these names at all. He's spent more time thinking of silly names and finds himself amusing. To put it politely he is starting to pi** me off. Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you come to an agreement?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

daisypond · 21/01/2021 15:41

Have you got a while to go before the baby arrives? If it’s too soon, he might not be engaged in thinking about names yet.

Edenember · 21/01/2021 15:44

Frustrating. He can’t expect power of veto while not contributing much himself. Ask him to sit and write a proper list With a decent number of options to optimise chances of getting one you both agree on, give it proper attention, you write yours, cross reference and see if there are any matches or compromises to be made.

Original poster

Boyorgirl3 · 21/01/2021 15:45

I'm half way there so got a bit of time yet. X

OP posts:

FluffyEggsontoast · 21/01/2021 15:48

I love Anya and Clara!

NameChange30 · 21/01/2021 15:50

Oh well, since you call him DP and not DH, he can't register the birth without you, so if he continues being a twat about the name, you can just go and register whatever name you like.

Hope you're giving baby your own surname.

Original poster

Boyorgirl3 · 21/01/2021 15:53

I did ask him a while ago to make a list and he said, 'you just make a list and I'll tell you if I like them or not' I explained i really wanted his contribution but he still didn't bother. Im willing to comprise if it means we both like the name and have agreed. But im starting to think if he doesn't contribute then ill just pick the name I love regardless if he likes it or not.

OP posts:

grey12 · 21/01/2021 15:54

we take ages chosing names!!

My advice would be for you both to know both your "rules". One of my rules is no names that exist in the family. Other is that if one says "no" it's no!

Then go through a list. You can find on online. And go through every single one to make a smaller list that you both like!

grey12 · 21/01/2021 15:56

Oh dear! I didn't see your last post that's not very nice of him

You can then make a list of all the names you like

LemonBreeland · 21/01/2021 15:56

Given his attitude I would tell him that unless he properly participates in choosing, then you will choose the name and he can put up with it.

WannabeMathematician · 21/01/2021 16:01

Baby name tinder? That’s what my husband and I called the baby name - find it together app. Super easy and low key as you can swipe yes or no on names when ever you get 5 minutes to get a short list you both like.

Then you have a place to discuss from.

DPotter · 21/01/2021 16:05

I didn't get any sense out of my DP until DD was born. Had my heart set on Freya, but she didn't look like a Freya. We agreed a name in about 5 minutes.

Don't fret about it now. Think about the names you like.

More important to decide - whose surname will you give her ? DD has mine and that was agreed by us both very early on.

omg35 · 21/01/2021 16:08

My partner was just like this OP- hated all my names- but the last few weeks now I'm almost full term he's taking it more seriously and suggested one of my top 5 as if it were his idea so there's hope! I think men find it harder to visualise an actual human who needs a name til later on

Outdoorsywithgin · 21/01/2021 16:11

DH and I both wrote lists of names and then swapped and crossed out vetoes (and goodness he vetoed my choice of Cicero. Bloody hormones!)
We were both teachers so had a "no children we'd taught and had bad associations with" rule. That made it tough!
It's a shame he won't engage with the process, but you have plenty of time. And if you are still no closer when baby arrives, you call them whatever you like!

Original poster

Boyorgirl3 · 21/01/2021 16:15

Thankyou, it might be because we still have a bit of time as he has said many time 'we have plenty of time to pick a name'. But if he doesn't contribute by the time im around 8 months then the baby will get my favourite name and he can suck it up.

OP posts:

hotcrosswhat · 21/01/2021 16:16

DH and I had the same problem, more than once I snapped "well we have to call him something!!"

The first name we have decided on for our baby boy is the only boy's name we agree on, so hopefully it suits him when he's born (middle names we're sticking with my family naming tradition, otherwise that would have been two names to think of, or no middle name at all haha)

AliceMcK · 21/01/2021 16:30

Personally never had this problem, I knew what I was calling a girl, DH never had any say, luckily he liked it haha. The rest were really easy too. DH only vetoed 1 name. All the names we have meaning to us. DD1 names after both our grandmothers, DD2 a name my grandmother always loved and I always loved too, her middle name is Gaelic for both our mothers first name, and DD3 we had a name my dad always wanted to call a little girl but my mother never let him, it’s a name we both liked though not as a first, I suggested I liked 2 names that went well with it, he liked them too so we went with the one that flowed the best. We promised my dad he could have the name he always wanted, either male or female version, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time I found out I was pregnant so it was sort of in his memory. Her other middle name is related to something that happened while I was pregnant.

Stop asking him, pick your favourite names and casually start referring to the baby by these names over the next few weeks and see what you like and if he comments on them. If he says he dosnt like any say tough unless you come up with anything better these are my choices get use to them.

partyatthepalace · 21/01/2021 20:01

I think there are quite a few men who just don’t care all that much, as long as they don’t hate it.

I’d just make a list and stick it on the fridge and by the time you are due have a short list of 3-5. And pick when you see her. Clara is nice!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2021 20:24

Whose last name will the baby have?

FlyingByTheSeatof · 21/01/2021 20:31

I went along with my DH crazy ideas for names but when it came down to it I said no way are we calling our DC ..... I'm pushing this baby out so it has be something I really like.

We decided on a suitable name in the next 5 minutes which is as it turns out is perfect.

speakout · 21/01/2021 20:34

He doesn't sound interested right now- I would leave it.

funnyoldonion · 21/01/2021 20:40

What is your favourite? Just go with that! My DH ruined my favourite baby name by saying he was going off it just before the birth, so we went with his choice and I've struggled with it for a lot of years now!

MercyBodle · 22/01/2021 00:10

I think there's a power imbalance in his favour in the idea that you make the list and he gets to veto them. I would change the rhetoric to something like 'I'll make a list of names I would consider. Please feel free to suggest some to add to it - which I certainly will if I like them enough. This is the list we are working with.' That's fair because he can come up with something to add to the list and you will consider it if you like it too.

I compromised too much by letting him veto everything I loved with my first children. With the last one I had a name I loved. I told him I was happy to consider anything he could suggest that I also liked, and I genuinely was. He did not suggest one name. After baby was born, the one name I loved was still sitting there. By day 3 I said, 'if you can't come up with something else to consider, then it looks like this is the name'. And so he was named with my 'default' name. My son's name is perfect in my eyes, and I'm so happy that with one of my children I took my power back. My DH is perfectly happy with the name and has had no problems - but it is one that he would never have agreed to when we had discussed it during pregnancy. So I just stopped discussing it but kept my list of one. I think he just couldn't imagine a child with a quite traditional name, but once he was here, it was fine.

This will sound manipulative maybe, but I feel I was forced into agreeing to names that, in hindsight, I didn't really want with the first ones.

Oliphanto · 22/01/2021 00:46

I don’t really understand why you’d choose to name someone you haven’t seen yet - I know people do but ... just wait til baby is here and it will all fall into place.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2021 01:22

@Oliphanto

I don’t really understand why you’d choose to name someone you haven’t seen yet - I know people do but ... just wait til baby is here and it will all fall into place.

Every baby would be called Churchill.

FeedMeSantiago · 22/01/2021 10:32

It's not for him to just veto names you suggest and not suggest any himself. I would leave it for a while and then he can make a list of at least 10 names. If he doesn't contribute any ideas then pick your favourite name and call baby that.

He may improve as you get closer to the birth and it all becomes more 'real' to him. If not and he then chooses not to engage he has no grounds for complaint when you pick a name. Your baby deserves a name which has been given carefully chosen, not one someone has spotted after grudgingly spending only 5 mins looking at the ONS name lists.

Flip

1 2