Baby's Surname

[curstyalley]

DP and I have postponed our wedding from first May and then September this year due to COVID.

We now feel we're just going to wait a few years to get married until it's less stress, and have now brought forward our plans to TTC.

However, one of the (many) reasons I was keen to get married before having a baby, was that I felt strongly that I wanted to have the same surname as any children I have - so I said early on in the relationship, if he wanted any kids he had with me to have his name, he better marry me first 😂 And to be fair to him he's obviously tried to do this a couple of times now(!) but the end result is we're still unmarried.

DP suggested (I think to make me feel better,) giving baby my last name initially, and then changing both mine and baby's to his in a few years time, after our marriage.

I was never hugely keen on my name changing anyway, but would have done it to match any DC.

Now I'm thinking - maybe it's ok for our baby to have my last name, which I can also keep, even after marriage? And DP has his last name, which he keeps, and shares with his DD from previous relationship, who lives with us half the week.

So we could be the "Wilson-Matthews Household", two of us with surname Wilson and two with surname Matthews?

Am I being unreasonable / insane to consider this option? Does it matter that his two kids would have have different surnames? I'm keen the 4 of us are a unit, and the DC develop a strong bond - but I do have a strong attachment to my name.

Not sure whether this is best in baby names, AIBU, or relationships!!

Just double barrel the surname with yours first. I wish I had with my DP but gave them his surname, we are still not married 🤷‍♀️

They got his surname as he wasn't happy with his surname being last in a double barrel 😂 but as his surname is a name it had to be last as it would of sounded like middle name ( especially bad for DD) so for example ours could of been
Oliver Patterson-Mark.
He wanted Oliver Mark- Patterson which I think didn't flow correctly so we just went with Oliver Mark ( not our actual names!)!

Double barrel it if you want or there’s nothing stopping you changing your name now you deed poll if that’s what you want, you don’t have to be married. Or as you said give the baby your name.

My kids were given their dad’s surname despite us not being married. They sounded ridiculous together. I was confident that one day we would get married, which we did. I also didn’t want the hassle of changing their name later on. I wanted their name to be their name, not change it after a few years and all official paperwork be in another name. Now we all have the same surname as we did get married. I didn’t find it a problem having a different name when they were young. They are my kids no matter what surname they have.

It’s just personal preference. Do what you feel happy with. The baby won’t really care when it’s young. Little kids just accept that’s their name. Mine knew that I had a different name. It was just a fact to them. A year on, they’ve forgotten I ever had a different name.

Not insane at all- you'll find lots of women here who made similar decisions. And many kids grow up with a different surname than their mum and live to tell about it (🙋🏻‍♀️) so it shouldn't be any different with the dad's.

I didn't change my name on marriage and my DH and I haven't decided what to do re: kids' surnames yet. One option we've considered is to just give this kid one, and our next (if we have another) the other. And those kids would share both parents!

I honestly think people can overthink this and any combination of names within a family is legit.

YANBU your solution sounds very fair.

Keep your name and give baby your name. After all you’re carrying it!

Perfectly normal. You don't have to change your name when you get married, and your child should have your name.

However, you could get married very quickly and cheaply when it's next possible, and have the party when that's possible? You still don't need to change your name, but at least you'd be married which seems to be what you want.

Personally I don't see the point of getting married if you don't all have the same family name - you'll still look like an unmarried family on paper 🤷‍♀️

Why is it fair for him to have a different name to you two but not you to have a different name to your child and it's father?

I had DD1 very early into our relationship. I was only 19 at the time and didn’t really know better. We gave her her dad’s surname. We did get married when DD was nearly 5 and now we all have the same surname. I’m one of the lucky ones where the promise of marriage actually came through.

Someone I know has been with her partner for 6 or so years. No proposal (she really wants to be married) and they had a baby last year. He keeps saying he will ask her at some point and for now she can just change her name to match his and their DD’s. That rings alarm bells to me because if he wanted to marry her, surely he’d have asked by now. I can understand maybe not being married yet because you’re saving up for the wedding you want but I would be wary of his suggestion to just name change.

My point is that giving your baby his surname is risky when you’re not married and it’s not your name too. Especially as you’re not all willing to let your name go. I suggest giving the child your name and then DP changing his to fit with you or keeping his own or double-barrelling both names.

When I got married I never changed my last name ! Baby has both our last names hyphenated. It’s not that uncommon and was the best option for us .

Personally, I'd get legally married now and just put off the big party for a while.

Makes everything a lot easier in terms of surnames and forms lol.

I don't think it really matters tbh.

Once you have given your baby a name, everyone will get used to it. And if you marry, you don't need to change anyone's name unless you really want to!

The only reason I struggle with hyphenated names is, what happens when your hyphenated child grows up and wants to marry another hyphenated child? Do they go with 4 names? Which 2 do they drop?

FWIW, I have 2 children and don’t have the same name as either of them- they both have their dad’s surnames. I was married to ex and am not married to no2s dad. I figured if I couldn’t have the same name as both, I may as well not have the same name as either.

I used to think it was important but I now realise the quality of the relationship is more important than appearing to be a family on paper to the casual observer.

In your situation, I would give baby your surname then see how you feel when you do get married.

I was in the same situation (wedding postponed from May, baby born in October). I was always planning to take my partner's surname once married so I changed it anyway by deed poll. It'll be one less thing to do when we finally do get married.

@Irre247 my husband has a double barrelled surname. It's a very old one and he's the fifth generation with it.

I took his name when we married and both our kids have this same double barrelled name.

It did mean we couldn't double barrel our surnames but I wasn't too fussed about that.

If you have had children before marriage, and then married the baby's father, do you know that you have to re-register the baby's birth post-marriage? It is a legal requirement.

The baby/child gets a new birth certificate and becomes "legitimate". I know this seems old-fashioned, but it should be done for legal reasons.

@Irre247 Read up on the Spanish and surnames ! Everyone has double barrelled surnames. It’s interesting!

Be traditional

Babies have their mother's surname

You can change it if/when you change yours

If your end goal is that you and baby both have his surname just change yours now.

Get married with a quick ceremony and have a wedding later.

Double barrel/2 surnames not doubled/your name as a second middle name

Deedpoll your name to his now, get married later.

Thanks for the replies all!

We really can't double barrel our names, as it would be ridiculous - think O'Flannigan-O'Connelly! And I don't want to deed poll change mine prior to us getting married.

I was 50/50 about changing mine on marriage in the first place, but swaying me was sharing a name with future DC. Seen a few comments on these boards lately though with nice reminders that actually the tradition is that kids take their mother's name - it's just typically the mother would already have dad's name, as they'd already be married and she'd have changed hers to his.

@ivfbeenbusy - I'm not really interested in looking like a married couple, more actually being a married couple. (And if you check out the relationships section on here, plenty of folk will tell you why that can be important legally, never mind for other more romantic reasons.) We're both keen to get married and share that commitment, I've just always been a bit less excited about losing my name as part of that, and there's no way he'd change his. I'm not suggesting it's 'fair' for either of us to have different names from DC - but in a home of essentially 4 of us, (DP, his daughter from previous who has his surname already, me and potentially new baby,) wondered if a compromise would be 2 of us with each surname, making a 50/50 split of the 4 of us. To me that seems more "team" than 3 with his name and just me with mine.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I wouldn't ask DP to change or hyphenate - as I know he wouldn't - not least as he already has a DD from previous relationship who has his name, and she's (rightly!) definitely not going to change her name to mine! I don't doubt he does want to marry me - we have been engaged a few years and had the date set twice for this year, so we would be married already were it not for covid circumstances. I just feel priorities (both his and mine) may well change post children, so we might not actually get married for a number of years now, and I wouldn't want a separate name indefinitely. Especially in a house of DP+2 kids, where potentially it becomes Christmas cards to and from "The O'Flannigans (and curstyalley)" 🙈

Your idea not only sounds reasonable, it sounds much fairer to me. Go for it!

"Sharing" out who has names in the household is pretty ridiculous To me sorry - you are either a family unit or you are not. Yes there are legal protections to getting married if you are the lower earner (not in my case) but I suppose it depends on your definition of family - I think it's odd to announce Mr x and Mrs y Instead of Mr & Mrs x. It's not "fair" for DH to feel he isn't part of your family by excluding him from Having the same name

"Now I'm thinking - maybe it's ok for our baby to have my last name, which I can also keep, even after marriage?"
Glad you've seen the light!

"So we could be the "Wilson-Matthews Household", two of us with surname Wilson and two with surname Matthews?"
Yep

"Am I being unreasonable / insane to consider this option?"
Nope

"Does it matter that his two kids would have have different surnames?"
Nope

You could give baby his surname as a middle name if the two of you want it in there somewhere.

But you are definitely not unreasonable to keep your surname and give baby your own surname. Makes total sense.

@ivfbeenbusy - I'm pretty sure the only place we'd ever be "announced" is at our wedding, where we could just as easily be announced as the bride and groom 🤷🏻‍♀️

My definition of family is pretty clear - which is why I have a strong feeling of ownership towards my own name in the first place. In terms of marriage, to me it's about far far more than everyone having the same name. I did mention legal protections as one of the important factors - I'm also by far the higher earner, for the record, since that's somehow important to that conversation. Protection for him is as important as protection for me, we're a team.

I completely disagree about there being no point to getting married if you don't then share a family name, and I don't think that women who don't change their name are less unified in marriage than those who do. This seems to be much more about whether I should change my name on marriage to what our baby's name should be though.

I don't think any options are "fair", which is why I'm trying to come up with a compromise. DH is of course free to change his name, as am I, in order for us all to have the same. Neither of us are particularly keen on changing our names. We are not married yet and are unlikely to be before birth of DC, due to circumstances beyond our control... so we won't all have the same name as DC, at least in the first instance, anyway.

@AnotherEmma - Thanks for this - hadn't thought of including one name as a middle name, that's a good option!