Baby's Surname

[curstyalley]

DP and I have postponed our wedding from first May and then September this year due to COVID.

We now feel we're just going to wait a few years to get married until it's less stress, and have now brought forward our plans to TTC.

However, one of the (many) reasons I was keen to get married before having a baby, was that I felt strongly that I wanted to have the same surname as any children I have - so I said early on in the relationship, if he wanted any kids he had with me to have his name, he better marry me first 😂 And to be fair to him he's obviously tried to do this a couple of times now(!) but the end result is we're still unmarried.

DP suggested (I think to make me feel better,) giving baby my last name initially, and then changing both mine and baby's to his in a few years time, after our marriage.

I was never hugely keen on my name changing anyway, but would have done it to match any DC.

Now I'm thinking - maybe it's ok for our baby to have my last name, which I can also keep, even after marriage? And DP has his last name, which he keeps, and shares with his DD from previous relationship, who lives with us half the week.

So we could be the "Wilson-Matthews Household", two of us with surname Wilson and two with surname Matthews?

Am I being unreasonable / insane to consider this option? Does it matter that his two kids would have have different surnames? I'm keen the 4 of us are a unit, and the DC develop a strong bond - but I do have a strong attachment to my name.

Not sure whether this is best in baby names, AIBU, or relationships!!

As the child of unmarried parents, I would be careful giving the new baby your name whilst your DP's first child has his name.

As your child grows older this could create underlying resentment and he/she may secretly view half sister as being Dad's favourite.

Sorry to sound harsh but it should be about what's best for the child and not you. As a pp suggested, why not just have a simple marriage ceremony first and then a vow renewal/large celebration once all these covid restrictions are finally over?

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I wouldn't ask DP to change or hyphenate - as I know he wouldn't - not least as he already has a DD from previous relationship who has his name, and she's (rightly!) definitely not going to change her name to mine! I don't doubt he does want to marry me - we have been engaged a few years and had the date set twice for this year, so we would be married already were it not for covid circumstances. I just feel priorities (both his and mine) may well change post children, so we might not actually get married for a number of years now, and I wouldn't want a separate name indefinitely. Especially in a house of DP+2 kids, where potentially it becomes Christmas cards to and from "The O'Flannigans (and curstyalley)" 🙈

Unless you change your name to his, one of you will have a different surname to your children. Why does it have to be you?

My earlier post wasn’t to imply he doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sure he does but I would still wait until you are married before giving any baby his surname, especially as you say your priorities may change.

For what it’s worth, we refer to our family as the ‘X/Y clan’ even though my name is the same as DH’s.

@Rafflesway - You don't sound harsh at all, it's definitely about what's best for DC. I did always assume I'd grudgingly take DP's name so we could all be the same. It's just the more I think about it, the more I think - why?

DP's sister has 2 kids, one to her ex and one to her current DP. Both her kids have their dad's names, so half siblings living together and not sharing a surname - to which no one batted an eyelid. This is very common in DP's family, many unmarried couples with half-sibling children with different surnames, all completely seen as the norm. I just feel it's viewed slightly differently for me because I'd be choosing not to give DC their dad's name.

I would bear in mind that if your child has your surname now, it is extremely easy to change it to his later (unlikely he will say no and you will need his permission) BUT if for any reason at all you later want to change your child's surname to yours or double barrell later, he may not consent and then you won't be able to do it.

I definitely wouldn't change your name by deed poll now so that you all have the same surname!

If/when you get married (maybe you decide to stay unmarried but with a cohabitation agreement to protect both of you and your children) it is so easy to change your name. Present marriage cert and voila. If you want to change back to maiden name after you are married - need deed poll which frankly is a faff. You also need letter of consent from spouse!

Also remember that you can use any name you like socially. Legally, yes, passport name is used but plenty of people then day to day use another name.

YANBU

I think where both children have different fathers and each have their own father's name is slightly different though.

I am not saying what you are considering would lead to issues down the line. It may not, but it could do.

I don't wish to project because of my personal experience - I grew up feeling dreadfully second best to my half siblings and have been NC with any of my family for 30 years - but it is certainly worthy of consideration.

@Rafflesway - I'm really sorry for your experience :( Are you older than your half siblings, or younger? Are they "full siblings" with you the only child to share both your parents? I think there are a number of combinations where this can be really difficult, and a different name probably wouldn't help :(

I'm definitely going to give some more thought to this - it's just interesting to me the way society views half siblings with different names due to different fathers, compared to different mothers, I guess?

DP's daughter is the only child so far of both her parents. She's beyond excited at the idea of a baby sibling at the moment, but my worry is more that she feels left out of our family, if her father is living with me and new DC full time, and she is splitting her time between here and her DM's. I thought perhaps her sharing her fathers name, while new DC and I have mine, potentially redress that a little. I guess there are a number of ways to interpret it. Maybe it's better for us all to share DSD's name.

Sorry if this has already been said but how old is DSD? If she’s not very old, she’ll likely not even question the different surnames. My DD never questioned that my surname was different to hers for the first nearly 5 years of her life. It was just my name.

Hi Curtsyalley. I was the eldest by a minimum of 5 years.

In all honesty there was a combination of reasons leading to the breakdown in relations with my family but certainly a "Name situation" played a part.

Please don't get too bogged down with my posts. I just feel for your younger child it is definitely a point to be considered as what starts as a subtle thought in a child's mind - especially if and when others try and brush it off as silliness or similar - can easily lead to deep insecurity and suspicion. I think your point regarding making your dsd feel special is a good one but I still feel it would be much better for you all to have the same surname in your situation.

Oh and in my family we were half siblings and only they had the same two parents.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing She's 12, so would notice / it would be a conversation - though I'm not convinced it would be a huge deal.

She has actually mentioned us all taking my name before, when talking about her dad and I getting married 😂🙈 As she loves my side of the family, and we do a lot of social things together. (Obviously we'd not entertain this, as I'm sure her mother would rightly go berserk, and DP raised an eyebrow as well lol.)

But she is very used to different surnames within families - she obviously has always had a different surname to her mother, and she has 2 aunts who both have half-sibling kids with different surnames. She is very up to date with the idea of blended families as the norm.

I'm sure if we suggested it was to keep the house 50/50, at least before we get married, she'd accept that quite easily. She already talks about us being outnumbered in the male / female sense and having to rebalance the house so we're even!

@Rafflesway Thanks very much for sharing your insight, it's definitely really helpful for me. And I'm sorry again for your experience. Worth some more thought for me i think, and some discussion with DP too.

Personally, I would never have my child having a different surname to me. For a lot of reasons. I was married when I had my children, but if I wasn’t they would have had my surname.

You sound like a great step mum. Your DSD clearly loves you and your consideration of her is lovely. For these reasons, I’m sure she wouldn’t be too worried about surnames matching. Her feeling included or your DC feeling part of the family is all about how you treat them not what name they have.

Good luck curtsyalley whatever you decide.

You do sound a very considerate step mum.

Double barrel with your surname first.

Yes, unreasonable and insane. Go to Broadmoor immediately, don't pass Go don't collect $200.

That’s perfectly sensible!

I am married, have not changed my name, and children we have will have my last name.
I was born with my name and I’ll die with my name and my DH knew that from the get go. I just can’t imagine one day waking up and being called something else. It’s fine if other people want to make the choice to change their names but why it’s seen as your duty I have no idea.
Why are men’s names held to a higher regard than women’s? There is no obligation to change your name on marriage and increasingly in society with blended families, half’s and steps there’s no such thing as a ‘family’ name.

You could always use one name as a middle name if double barrelled doesn’t work. Then just use whichever name suits for their surname as they grow up and your family evolves.

This is a bit of a tricky one for me. I completely agree that there is nothing wrong with your plan on paper and nothing wrong with the child having your name. However I do agree with some of the previous comment about how it might make the younger child feel.

I have a very similar set up to you, DP and I plan on marrying in the near future and have one DD together, he also has a son who has his surname. I was also about 50/50 about whether I wanted DD and I to have his name (and like you I wanted to have the same name as her). I have to admit this consideration was a big factor that swayed me towards us all having the same name. I didn't want DD to be upset by SS having her dad's name, but not her. But actually in my case this concern was increased by the fact that SS is a bit younger than your SD and the sort of person who would definitely see things that way and say such things to DD. I can very easily imagine him regularly saying things like "I'm daddy's family because we have the same surname, and you're aSofa's family because you have her surname". He may grow out of it but at the moment he is very cut and dry about these things and I didn't want that for my daughter. But I think if I hadn't been 50/50 about it anyway and actually really wanted to keep mine, it would be a risk I'd have had to take, prepared to give reassurance to my DD

You could merge your surnames eg. O'Flanelly

You could make a patronymic/matronymic surname - eg. if his first name is Matthew, baby becomes Matthews, or eg. if your name is Sarah, baby becomes Sarahson, Sarahsdotter/daughter, Sarahs/Saers.

Invent a new surname, from the place you live/lived, have visited, two nature names put together eg. Oakdale, Aldbridge etc.

Give the baby a first name from the other ones surname, eg. Matthew Wilson.

Thanks @Rafflesway and @BeingATwatItsABingThing :) Really appreciate your comments and input!

@aSofaNearYou - I totally get what you mean and where you're coming from. I think in our circumstances though, to be honest I'd be more worried about that the other way round for my younger DC, if we did give her DP's name rather than mine? We live in very close proximity to a lot of my extended family... all with my surname. All the kids have my surname too, as I have brothers and uncles with kids and likely more to come, more ages with my DC. Lots of social events and gatherings etc. So I wouldn't want DC to feel 'the odd one out' of her cousins etc. Of course by the time DC is old enough to partake in these events and have an awareness of her cousins etc, DSD is unlikely to be attending, as I'm sure she'll be 'too cool' late teens / early 20s! So DC will most likely be the only one with a different name by that time.

We live a bit further from DP's family, and they tend not to have big group gatherings as much - and as mentioned previously, most of the kids all have different surnames from even their own siblings, etc. I think DSD's comment previously about perhaps taking my name was a reflection of feeling a part of our family gatherings here, where my family name is so prevalent - she colloquially refers to my parents as her 'other' grandma and grandpa! So I'm actually more worried about the impact on DSD than DC, of giving DC my name.

I do think though DSD would understand at the moment, and also with DSD being a bit older, she wouldn't throw surname in baby's face... particularly as by the time DC would be old enough to understand this, DSD is likely to be in her late teens / early 20s anyway and hopefully beyond this!

I don't think any options are "fair", which is why I'm trying to come up with a compromise.

But your first thought is fair. His DD shares his surname, your DD shares yours. Why should he have your joint DD take his name when he already has a daughter to carry on his name, and you're expected to change your name so that he gets BOTH with his name and none with yours?!

Neither of you wants to change your name. There are two family daughters. This one - your name. It's fair.