My name's been robbed... By accident!

[MetalheadMel]

So this is possibly a bit daft but just need to share as I think my husband will leave me if I bring it up again!!! Our DS was born 3.5 years ago and we had a few name contenders before ultimately settling on one after much disagreement. I really do like this name but couldn't quite shake the feeling it was possibly the 'wrong' one. Anyway, to console me my husband said we could name a potential ds2 this other name so shut up about it. Anyway we are now pregnant again which is great... But one of my close mates has just named her baby the name I wanted...eeek!! She had no idea I liked this name so if wasn't 'taken' from me but ever since have just felt really upset. I can't even bring myself to say the name of her baby with her, which is just awful because I'm so so happy for her but I just feel green with envy. Am I being super daft? Has this happened to anyone? More importantly, how did you find peace with it?? X

I think it's a perfectly normal feeling OP - but what you do depends how attached you are to this name.

If you really really want to call your child it, you should go ahead anyway. I would have been upset if one of my close friends had used either of my kids names but I love them so much I would 100% still have used them. These children quite likely won't even know each other in the future and if they do and have the same name, so what? No way would I have wanted to spend my whole life calling my child a "second rate" name just because another child happened to have the one I liked! There's no need to be a martyr.

If you are prepared to give this name up then I guess you aren't that bothered about it anyway really... in which case I would say that your feelings will pass, and I would just allow yourself to feel sad about it and not stress. No need to force yourself to feel differently to how you do. It will pass naturally. If it doesn't, just use the name.

You’re not being silly and you’re handling it sensibly, not flying off the handle with your friend or anything! It’s natural to be disappointed and it’s perfectly ok to not want to name him the same as your friends son (also ok if you did want to use the name anyway), especially if it’s an unusual name.

I think whatever name you pick for your DS will very quickly become his name and you won’t be able to imagine calling him anything else. You’ll love the name because it’s his name.

I know you're saying you won't use the name anymore but I personally don't understand why not. How unusual and rare is the name? Is it in the top 100 for example?
I honestly think your friend won't mind and may even be flattered
I have a small friendship group too and it wouldn't bother me. Your child will have their own life, their own group of friends, their own nicknames.
You've loved this name for so long now, I can't understand why you wouldn't use it (with the only caveat being that if it's a super super rare name, let's say like "Gary" where there's only 2 born a year, then yes maybe that is a bit unusable. If on the other hand the name is in the top 200 then it would be a no brainer for me to still use it. They'll meet other people with their name. That's life)

@MetalheadMel

I do know how you feel OP and it's a shame but there are plenty more names out there. We always wanted the name Henry for a boy but SIL and BIL got there first so we can't use it. They hadn't a clue we liked that name so it was just a coincidence. Maybe use the name you wanted as a middle name so you still get to use it?

I think the issue might actually be that you regret being talked out of using a name you loved by your husband. Compromise is important but surely it is irksome that he refused the first time but then conceded that you could name your next child that name.

I don't think you're being silly at all.

"No one owns a name" is the stock Mumsnet response, but there's no way I could name my child the same name as a close friend's baby. It would look like I was copying them.

Both my DC have fairly unusual names. My DD's name I had in mind as a name for a future DD before I ever even got together with DP. (Lucky he liked the name too!). But if a friend had used it. no way would I have done.

I would say, allow yourself to feel grief about the name, then try to let it go. There are other names out there and it will be possible to find one you like for him.

Do you have a middle name picked out, or would it work as a middle name maybe?

I completely get where you’re coming from, I’d be the same!
My cousin is due to have a baby boy just before Im due to also have a boy and as neither of us are sharing names there’s a (albeit small) chance she could use our top contender. If she does we’d definitely use another name, it just wouldn’t feel right to me as they’re so close together.
Did your baby have a middle name sorted too? Maybe instead of being Bob Alexander for example he could now be Alexander Bob?
Have a mope then get back onto a name hunt! 🙂

We had this with my Ds a few weeks before birth my husbands friend called their son Finn which was our top runner name. I think part hormones etc then made me quite sad about it.

We also didn't want to then be Finn 2 so completely scrapped it and found another name which suited our son (we waited til he was born to see which name he suited).

I now couldn't imagine him being a different name it suits him to the tee. My advice would be to move on but also see what baby suits (we ended up with a shortlist of 3).

Don’t be so previous OP will the kids even be in the same class, year group etc. Even so it really doesn’t matter one jot you are being precious.

Agree with @Devilesko

‘Nobody owns a name so it can't be taken or robbed confused
Call your child whatever you like, they won't be the only one with the name, even if it's unusual.’

I think it's a blessing. Now you can think about your new arrival and not your previous 'regret'. He deserves his own name and you and your partner should have fun starting afresh. Laugh at the old name, laugh at yourself, think of it like a job you narrowly missed out on and then realised it was a lucky escape.

I wouldn’t use the name. Plenty of people may not give a shit, but there are plenty who would. It’s only a name, and nobody owns a name, but a name isn’t worth potentially causing some ill feeling between friends. As the name is just one you like, rather than a family name that has special meaning, I think you should find another name. After your son is born and named, he will become the name that you give him, and you will look at him when he is 3 and think “he is such a Bill! How could I ever have thought that he might be a Bob!”

Does it always happen that a child "becomes their name" and you can't imagine them as anything else? Not true in my experience anyway.
My child is at school now and I still feel their name doesn't suit them and OP's DS is 3.5 and she feels the name is "wrong". @Whatthebloodyell

Op- If you've had your heart set on a name for so many years I can't imagine not using it, especially when you've had name regret with first child.

Appreciate this is all subjective though. Just giving my own thoughts

If it mattered that much to me then I wouldn’t let anyone take it from me and I’d use it anyway.

@MetalheadMel I had this happen and I completely get why you feel that way, I knew it was a little silly (wasn't even pregnant at the time haha!) but at the same time I was gutted. That was just the name I had always envisioned my child having.
I also wouldn't use that name now though, because of course I know my child's name won't be unique but I don't want there to be two of them in my friendship group!

Anyway, long story short - I got over it. Found other names that I love, and to me that name now belongs to her child. Sure you will do the same too, just focus on finding something else.

I understand where you're coming from. I would be disappointed too. Sorry that you feel that way. There are a few names that I love at the moment and would definitely call my children them in the future. And the thing is you visualise your children as this name, so if it came to not being able to use it I would feel the same as you. I understand people say you can use it anyway, but I'm in agreement with you that I think it would be a bit uncool. In saying all this, taste can change. Maybe have a think of some other names with the same vibe to them, working out what it is you loved about the name. There may be another you can learn to love too. And at the end of the day, even if it isn't your number one choice, you will end up loving the name you choose because it's your child's and they bring life to it. So even if it's difficult at the beginning, I think in time you will be able to look back and giggle about it. Your friend may have some name ideas too, you obviously have the same taste. Good luck, and sorry it happened to you, at least the name is being used and although by your friend, you will have someone close with a name you love, that's kind of nice. 🙂

The absolute best way to get over this would be to post the name! I guarantee you there'll be a percentage of people who will absolutely pull it to pieces and you'll also get loads of suggestions for other names - I bet you'd end up with a name you prefer to the LostBob2!