AIBU? Honouring the dead

[EThreepwood]

I am prepared to be absolutely flamed for this, but it might help me get over it. Very hormonal and prone to tears at the moment which isn't like me.

I want to give this baby my Mum's name as a middle name. I would say 99.9% of you love this name (from threads) and there's a male version too although not popular right now.

Thing is now I've mentioned this OH wants his Granddad's middle name double barrelled with my Mum's. It doesn't have a feminine form and its a job description name. (Carter, Parker, etc not nail technician)

I feel it's not the same thing. I know he absolutely loved his Grandad but it's not the same as losing a parent, unless your Grandparents raised you.
This baby will have his family close by consisting of 3 of his grandparents, both loving parents and a sibling. I just have my Dad and sibling 4.5 hours away.

I mean I really loved my family that died but where does the naming end. Is it really fair that we get to have a name each when my Mum died tragically young last year and will never get to see this baby or have any memories with them.

For context:

2000s: My Great Nan and my Grandad pass
2010s: My Grandma
2018: My Uncle (Mum's brother)
2019: My Grandad (Spring), My Mum (Summer), His Grandad (Autumn)

And that's all the death in both families. So what's the end result 7 middle names??!

I guess I'm really missing my Mum so AIBU?

Would agreeing the next dc have a name he holds dear?

We gave our youngest son my DH's grandad's name as a middle name. DS was born on the first anniversary of his GGD's death. Our eldest has my dad's middle name as a middle name, and our daughter has names from my family (we both liked the names anyway).

I'd say either veto your DP's suggestion or add it as an extra, not really used, middle name?

The baby's name would be something like Olivia Threepwood.

You want to have Olivia Vivien Threepwood.
He wants Olivia Vivien-Parker Threepwood?

No, because hyphenated names are not good and the combined name isn't nice.

Solution:
Olivia Vivien Parker Threepwood.

Sorry about your mum.

I don't really see the point of middle names, but in your case, I would just use your mum's name.

Olivia Vivien Threepwood.

I just used names as examples.

I would just go with your mams name. It's so soon since you lost her. Hugs x

I can see how others might think it's unfair but I do agree with you. Yours seems a bit more personal (unless his grandad raised him like you say). Are you thinking of having any more DC afterwards? Maybe suggest the next time he can use a family name?
Me and DP had the same issue when giving our DC middle names (all of them also the names of loved and lost relatives). We kind of had to 'rank' which was most personal to use (as in our DD got DP's aunts name as she raised him, the other option was my grandmas name who I obviously loved dearly but she didn't raise me).

You could just give the baby a totally different name (first and middle) and get away from the whole grief naming issue ?

I am sorry about your mum (been there) but seems you may be a little grief clouded here and might help if baby isn’t in the middle of all that?

Agree your mums name only, she was the closest to you

Yep exactly @MikeUniformMike except the names don't match at all and his Granddad's name doesn't have an ~er at the end.. which I think softens everything.
I'm trying to think of something like it... The name is like Cook. One syllable and harsh sounding, great for a boy though.

Thanks everyone but this is the last baby so I can't compromise on the next one having his name. Great suggestion though!

You can have two middle names even if it isn’t feminine

Middle names aren’t really used often

I have a cousin who has two middle names including Rio and and a double barrelled last name

So she has 5 names altogether

What’s the granddads name? I’m sure there is a way to make it girly if you really wanted to

Like Carter could be Catrina

I'd agree just your mum. It's what I did and I absolutely love DD's full name.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you can't insist on using your mums name and then refuse to use his grandads. That's unfair and unreasonable. Sorry hut this child belongs to you both. You don't get to make unreasonable demands any more than he does. Sorry hut if you are going to behave so childishly then you aren't old enough for the responsibility of parenthood.

It’s difficult, it’s not a competition re: who died.
We had name issues with our DD, I wanted the middle name to be my late mother’s but it’s also tradition for my husband to give a child an African middle name chosen by his grandma. End result- our daughter has two middle names, everyone’s happy, hey ho!

Due another daughter she will no doubt have my husbands grandmas name as she died this year- my nephew carries my fathers middle name, my niece doesn’t have a middle name. I think we can get a bit over consumed with who carries what name.

I know that the prevailing opinion is that middle names are rarely used. However, in my profession everyone uses their full name all the time. So I use my middle name on a daily basis, and I know the middle names of all of my colleagues.

Carter and Catrina are not the same.

OP, something like Olivia Vivien Clark Threepwood?

I'd use the 'Other DCs only have one middle name'.
Something like Vivien-Clark is just ridiculous.

I’m sorry about your mum but I think you have to compromise with your OH and have 2 middle names.

it would be so much easier if you would share the names

just give the child 2 middle names, its not a big deal

It's a girl... Therefore it makes sense to have your mum's name. And just that...

If it had been a boy would have made sense to have his granddads name. And equally your grandads.

Unless his grandad bought him up but even then only for boy...

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you can't insist on using your mums name and then refuse to use his grandads. That's unfair and unreasonable. Sorry hut this child belongs to you both. You don't get to make unreasonable demands any more than he does

I agree. We used two middle names for both our kids, one from each side... I actually pretty dislike one middle name but meant so much to my OH I smiled and went with it

My mum died a couple of years before I had my first baby. She has my Mum's name as a middle name. There's no way I'd have wanted to share the middle name with my DH's grandparent name. There's a huge difference between a mum and a grandparent. It meant absolutely everything to me to use my dm's name. I love talking to my dd about how she has such a special name as it was nana's, who would have loved her so much etc.

I'm quite surprised that people are saying you should use both. Perhaps they haven't lost a parent before becoming a parent themselves. To me it's a way of including my mum and it's the only way really. Yes that's the same for a grandparent, but the relationship is entirely different.

You don’t hyphenate a middle name, that’s just ridiculous. You can have two middle names.

Tell your OH that he can choose either the middle name or the surname. If he wants to choose the middle name then you give the baby your surname.

There's a huge difference between a mum and a grandparent.

In lots of cultures there isn’t

I get where you're coming from, but creating a hierarchy of grief isn't going to help anyone. We've used middle names for our children which honour relatives. I don't particularly like the names, but felt that was of less importance than recognizing the importance to DH of being able to use them. If I were you I'd use both names as middle names, but don't hyphenate them.

@seven201 I am one of those that said use both. I lost my dad 18 months before having my first child. It upsets me greatly that he’ll never meet my sons.
I still think it should be a compromise when naming a child and both parents should agree on the names chosen.

No help as we have all still living, and all parental names are horrific in our family.
We did however give DS the same middle name as my stepdad, because he’s amazing.

In your situation I would stick with just my DMs name.