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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

AIBU? Honouring the dead

43 replies

EThreepwood · 05/08/2020 10:47

I am prepared to be absolutely flamed for this, but it might help me get over it. Very hormonal and prone to tears at the moment which isn't like me.

I want to give this baby my Mum's name as a middle name. I would say 99.9% of you love this name (from threads) and there's a male version too although not popular right now.

Thing is now I've mentioned this OH wants his Granddad's middle name double barrelled with my Mum's. It doesn't have a feminine form and its a job description name. (Carter, Parker, etc not nail technician)

I feel it's not the same thing. I know he absolutely loved his Grandad but it's not the same as losing a parent, unless your Grandparents raised you.
This baby will have his family close by consisting of 3 of his grandparents, both loving parents and a sibling. I just have my Dad and sibling 4.5 hours away.

I mean I really loved my family that died but where does the naming end. Is it really fair that we get to have a name each when my Mum died tragically young last year and will never get to see this baby or have any memories with them.

For context:

2000s: My Great Nan and my Grandad pass
2010s: My Grandma
2018: My Uncle (Mum's brother)
2019: My Grandad (Spring), My Mum (Summer), His Grandad (Autumn)

And that's all the death in both families. So what's the end result 7 middle names??!

I guess I'm really missing my Mum so AIBU?

OP posts:

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yesyesdear · 05/08/2020 11:41

I’m sorry but you’re the one carrying the child and giving birth. It’s probably not the most popular view, but I think your choice, for that reason alone (especially on a middle name!) trumps your DH’s choice! And I’m assuming bub is to be given DH’s surname? You both agreed on the first name? If so, he should give you this.

And as it’s the name of your mum, even more so!! He needs to compromise and agree to either a second, separate middle name (less used and not hyphenated), or no middle name other than your mum’s.

I think he needs to be aware of how poignant this will be for you, as your mum won’t have the chance to meet this little bub.

Sorry for the losses you’ve experienced recently.

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 11:43

Is it really fair that we get to have a name each

I really can't see what would be unfair about that. It's perfectly normal to have two middle names.

HarryLimeFoxtrot · 05/08/2020 12:16

I take it that you do not like his grandfather’s name (and especially not for a girl). Does he like your mother’s name? If so, then I do think he is being unreasonable as he’s angling for 2 names he likes at the expense of you only getting 1 name you like.

I also agree that a parent is different to a grandparent. If he wanted to include the name of one of his parents, I think it would be a fair compromise to accept that an additional middle name. Is that a possibility? Could you suggest including his mother’s name as a second middle name?

myworkingtitle · 05/08/2020 12:21

I think using your mum’s name trumps, but eg

Olivia Mary Cook Surname

sounds fine to me.

Me & all of my kids have 2 middle names (first name, second name, family surname, actual surname)

bridgetreilly · 05/08/2020 12:54

I think it's fine to use both on the birth certificate but they should not be hyphenated, that's ridiculous. In practice, the amount of times that middle names are used, let alone both middle names, is absolutely tiny, so it really won't matter.

elfran · 05/08/2020 17:21

I agree with others that it's not a competition re: grief and how close you each were to the people you've lost, and it only seems fair to use both middle names. Surnames as a second middle is so common, I plan to use my surname in this spot for any future DC, so a "surname-style" name in there won't even raise an eyebrow. This takes nothing away from your mother or using her name, OP.

On the other hand, I wonder what the surname is? Assuming it's your husband's (whether or not you've changed yours), that's already a family name from his side, imo. This is why DH and me have a deal; he gets the surname (I haven't changed mine and won't, but our kids sharing his is important to him in a way it isn't to me), and I get the rest of them, within reason/veto.

mummy2myJJ · 05/08/2020 17:32

I totally agree with you that it should just be your mums name, like you say the list of passed relatives goes on and on so where do you draw the line? Hope he agrees xx

bertyb7 · 06/08/2020 20:58

I agree with you too- although not a competition, if I have a daughter I want a middle name to be my late sister's. My husband has lost 3 grandparents but I don't see him needing to get a grandparents name in there. Also, not that I am a total tradition follower but I think it's more common for child names to be their grandparents not their great grand parents. I.e. my middle name is my grans... has that grand parent's name already been passed down? I don't think you are being unreasonable but as others have been saying it can have two middle names if they work (but maybe not double barrelled!)

TildaTurnip · 06/08/2020 23:11

I think just your Mum’s name especially if the grandads name isn’t one you like.

Sorry your mum died, becoming a mum without a mum around is tough

MidnightCitrus · 07/08/2020 07:59

I still don't understand why you can't have 2 middle names.

Its his baby too, and obviously his grandfather was important to him.

ZebraKid71 · 07/08/2020 13:46

Grief is personal so I think stay away from creating a mines worse than yours situation. I'd just go with them both but not hyphenated, my kids both have two middle names, one from my side of the family and one from my husbands.

Im really sorry for your loss.

Pobblebonk · 07/08/2020 22:42

I totally agree with you that it should just be your mums name, like you say the list of passed relatives goes on and on so where do you draw the line?

You can perfectly easily draw the line at the one extra name that the baby's father reasonably wants. I too really can't see what the problem is with having two middle names.

2155User · 07/08/2020 22:46

You cannot decide nor judge how much his grandparents mean to him.

Stop trying to play too trumps.

Either have both or neither.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 07/08/2020 22:52

Multiple middle names, solves everything. My dc both have two each. My df died when I was six months pregnant with dc2. She's now 2 and it hurts everytime I think about it that he never got to meet her but I don't think naming her after him would have helped my grief or that of my mother. Instead her first name honours dh's great aunt who he adored, middle name number 1 honours her great great grandmother and her 2nd middle name is one shared by all females in our family for the past 100 odd years.

resm · 07/08/2020 23:18

If it were me, I’d pick the one middle name to honour my mum. It feels like he’s just jumping on a bandwagon tbh and taking away from it all.

bridgetreilly · 07/08/2020 23:33

How does adding an additional middle name take away from anything?

This is all bonkers.

Morfin · 08/08/2020 07:33

If you were having a boy would he let you use your mums name?

Cactuslove · 08/08/2020 08:15

Me and DP have come to this agreement. We pick the first name together... the baby gets DPs surname rather than mine double barrelled and because of that I get to pick the middle name and have picked them based on my family.

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