Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Baby name & heartbreak/confusion

28 replies

vitajana · 26/04/2020 23:56

I’m pregnant with a girl found out by private scan before my boyfriends mother passed away. When we found out decided her name would be Opal after his mum. His mum has since passed away really horribly back home where his family are from in Nigeria. My boyfriend had a complete breakdown, split up with me was hospitalised it’s been awful. I’ve just been focusing on her and wanting every detail sorted because everything else has been so bad. I’ve been really driving myself mad over her name. I don’t know if it’s the right thing using Opal if as we’re now no longer together it’s not the right thing for me to use that name. But I don’t want to go back on our decision to name her Opal. I’m so confused and lost without him and getting mixed messages from my family/friends. My mum suggested June Opal. June is my nan’s name and originally it was going to be Opal June but I don’t know. Help would be appreciated thank you so much I’m just lost, upset and trying to sort everything before 15th September comes. I know it’s plenty of time but I’m just driving myself mad over analysing thank you

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
vitajana · 26/04/2020 23:56

Thank you

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 27/04/2020 00:01

Has his health improved enough that you could broach the subject with your ex?

TheCraicDealer · 27/04/2020 00:08

I think June Opal is lovely, although you don't say how you feel about June as a name! Using Opal as a middle name still respects the fact that you did previously agree to include his mum in the baby's name, but also reflects the present position; your exP is not around right now when you need support, and may not be a reliable presence in your DC's life. In those circumstances I think you'd be more than reasonable to go for your preferred choice of first name and surname obviously. If things improve between you you can change the baby's name up until they're a year old anyway.

It's quite natural to focus on things that you have control over, like names, when other parts of your life feel so uncertain. Don't feel silly about it- I think most of us can relate to feeling like that at the moment!

Tigertrees · 27/04/2020 00:09

I would just wait. You absolutely don't need a name for your baby this far before they are born. Some people like to meet the baby and decide what they look like. If the baby's dad is no longer part of your life at all, and you were not married, then give her whatever name you want - you are the one using it all the time and the only one who can name the baby. If you get back together by September you could change this - though he may not himself want to be saying his mother's name every time he says his child's name if the memories are raw.
Basically I would wait to see how much involvement he is going to have in your lives.

CalleighDoodle · 27/04/2020 00:12

You dont have to stick to that at all.

Do you like either name? I like both. But do you?

RomaineCalm · 27/04/2020 00:15

I would wait as well. You may feel very differently in September and as a PP said sometimes you need to 'meet' the baby to decide on a name.

If your BF is still in your life in September you could use Opal as a middle name or June. There's nothing to say that you couldn't have two middle names so you could choose a completely different first name that you love with June and Opal as a middle names.

alexdgr8 · 27/04/2020 00:22

yes, i think it might be better to use his mother's name as the middle name, so that it is there, as an honour to her, but not used everyday, which might cause conflicting emotions.
but you don't even have to decide until after the child is born, you can even register the birth and come back later to fill in the name. so there is no rush. try to relax. it will all be ok.

LockedInMadness · 27/04/2020 00:30

I don’t know if it’s the right thing using Opal if as we’re now no longer together it’s not the right thing for me to use that name.

I would use Opal as a middle name because it's still your baby's grandmother even if you're not with her Dad anymore.
If you don't want June as a first name then as pp said, have Opal June as middle names.

It's a long time till September, relaxThanks

Runkle · 27/04/2020 00:52

I think all babies should have their own first name. Use family names as middle names if you really must. Until then, relax.

Original poster
vitajana · 27/04/2020 12:58

Thank you so much for the feedback I think I am just going to relax and not think to deeply into stuff as currently it’s unnecessary. I really want me & him to get back together his family say he that all he talks about is me, his mum & the baby. His family have said that he wants us to get back together but have said he’s not in the right head space so to wait till he’s better. I love him so much it’s horrible. I love both names and I think I agree with you guys that using June Opal is the way forward. She’s going to have a long surname as it’ll be his Nigerian surname which is long and my Italian one which is short but I think it could be a mouthful if she also has two middle names. Thank you for your help 💝

OP posts:
AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 27/04/2020 13:04

Do not give the baby his surname if you are not in a secure relationship. Otherwise everytime you travel abroad you will be asked for proof (birth certificate is usually fine) you are the mother if your surnames are different. Do you always want to take birth certificate when you travel when you could just take a passport? Also be cautious of including his name on birth certificate if you think he may not be around the whole 18years. It's easier to add it on at a later date.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 13:10

Please use your surname for the baby if you’re not married.

TheVanguardSix · 27/04/2020 13:12

Where is he right now, in Nigeria or the UK?

Original poster
vitajana · 27/04/2020 14:19

Would I need to bring birth certificate to travel aboard if it’s both surnames? I was going to do his & mine as a double barrel with me being the last of that makes sense. So it would be his surname - my surname
I just am close to his family and would like to include both surnames for our daughter especially as I still love him. He’s my world. He’s in hospital in London where we’re both from. We were both born in London my family are Irish & Italian his are Nigerian

OP posts:
Original poster
vitajana · 27/04/2020 14:21

So the surname would be
@k!nyem!-c0nt!

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 27/04/2020 14:24

Also be cautious of including his name on birth certificate if you think he may not be around the whole 18years.

Really? I thinks it's sad for a child not to have its father's name on the birth certificate.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 27/04/2020 14:31

Yes you would, plus his written permission or a court order stating you’re allowed to travel abroad with the child.

Original poster
vitajana · 27/04/2020 16:01

I definitely know that I want him to be on the birth certificate we met at school and have been together ever since. He’s my best friend we’ve been in each other pockets since we were 15 our families are close. He had a mental breakdown after his mum died and that’s when he broke off our relationship he wasn’t coping so I don’t want to deny him not having his name on the birth certificate or her not having his surname even if they’ll be issues with travelling in the future. Still I really appreciate your help thank you 💜💜

OP posts:
K1mberlylauren · 27/04/2020 16:32

I believe mix race babies should have exotic names !

Also I’m kind of in the same boat as pregnant and my partner wants to name our son after his dad! I don’t like his dads name! I think you should go for a name that you like xx

K1mberlylauren · 27/04/2020 16:33

Also I don’t believe because someone passed a name you should have to call your baby it.
Take care x

Original poster
vitajana · 27/04/2020 20:53

Thanks K1mberlylauren firstly congrats and I think you should both decide on a name for your son. If you don’t like his dads name don’t use it but could compromise and use as a middle name 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ I actually love simple traditional names I love both Opal & June so really happy with either one being the first name. I think I’m really settled on June Opal though especially after receiving the help from people here. I personally don’t you think you should name a baby differently because their mixed race you should go for names you love rather than exotic or whatever. Thanks for your help though

OP posts:
K1mberlylauren · 27/04/2020 23:33

Thank you x
I do like traditional, but my little girl has an unusual name so I think I need something to go with hers. She’s very exotic looking her name suits her, I gues I’ll wait till I see his little face lol!
I’m sure when you see ur little girl you will know what’s best.
Good luck xx

user3274826 · 27/04/2020 23:41

Opal is a beautiful name! I like June too. Or how about combining them, Juno?

I think you have zero obligation to stick to using Opal as a first name if you prefer another. I also don't think it would be wrong to use it if you prefer it, even if he ends up never being a part of her life, she still has a family connection to her parternal grandmother. I think in this situation, you simply have to go with a name you like the most. No pleasing him or your mum or anyone else, choose the name for you, be that June, or Opal or something entirely different.

Strawberrysweet · 27/04/2020 23:51

I would stop thinking about it and give the father time to regain his health. September is a few months away. Hopefully you are able to discuss this further with him.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 27/04/2020 23:57

You could put his surname as another middle name, so the child has his family name included, but has yours as the official surname. Also, if you want him on the birth certificate then he has to go with you, or sign a statutory declaration of parentage form which you will have to take when you register the baby.